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COPING WITH SINGLE-HOOD AS A WOMAN IN YOUR THIRTIES


Think about the men you dated in your 20's versus the men you date in your 30's.
Aren't you glad now you didn't get married back then?!
by Laura Dawn Lewis

There is something about the number 30 that strikes fear into any woman hoping to get married and have children.  When woman first dreams of prince charming, she’s somewhere around seven and by the time she reaches eighteen, her image of perfection is so well tuned, even Michelangelo’s David pales in comparison.
 

It is during those bell weather years of 18 to 30 where she defines herself, takes her chances, makes mistakes and refines David, starting over with clay this time rather than marble.  Clay after all can be molded easily, allowing for alterations as reality redefines fantasy and fantasy fades into oblivion.

A person’s twenties are about definition and getting Mr. Right to notice you while you prove to the world you can take care of yourself.  At the beginning, though society allows you vote, you cannot drink and getting into forbidden places through ingenuity becomes sport.  TOP

Your twenties are about test driving your emotions, test driving men and defining self. The adjectives used to define Mr. Right at 20 generally include smart, tall, fun, handsome, ambitious, great car and awesome in bed.  At twenty, a year is a very long time and for most women, the person she is at 20 is drastically different the woman she becomes by 30.

By thirty, Mr. Right grows up, puts on a few pounds and has better things to do with his time than drink beer, work out and live just for the moment. Now a woman you realize substance exceeds aesthetics and a guy with six-pack abs usually spends too much time in the gym and too little time involved in the world around him. 
 

The new adjectives now reflect your own maturity and  include more concrete ideals such as integrity, a passion for living, principles, goal-oriented, considerate and loving.   By thirty, you realize it’s not whether he wants you, it’s whether you want him. At thirty you sometimes forget what year it is because time now goes by so fast.

The Eligible Women Shortage
Of course no amount of maturity stops the panic.  If you're still single you begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you.  Why is it so many women who are not attractive, smart or funny seem to have no problem finding Mr. Right?  Don't men like women with brains, looks, a sense of humor and well honed maternal instincts?  If so, where are they! 

In truth, your Mr. Right is probably thinking the same thing about you.  Where are you?  It's hard to believe, but there is actually a shortage of healthy, mentally-sound, non-addicted, heterosexual thirty-something females looking to get married. Once you reach 35, male or female, only 50% of the dating pool is healthy.  Healthy means no addictions, mental diseases or other impediments to a successful relationship.

If you're 29ish-38ish single woman, The Wall Street Journal did an article on the women shortage December 7th, 2001. They reported many men waited until their late thirties and early forties to marry, wanting first to get their careers off the ground and become financially stable.  These men are in the late stage baby boomer generation, (38-47), a very large generation.  The women they date between 2 and 10 years younger?  These women are part of Generation X, an itty bitty generation by comparison. Basically, single, childless thirty-something women, for the first time in history have three eligible straight bachelors a piece looking to marry.  Unfortunately the article neglected to mention where to find them.

In 2000, Good Morning America did a segment on the ideal time to get married.  It seems for women to be age 32, which is also the year she hits her sexual peak.  The philosophy behind this stated that at 32, a woman has finally come into her own, confident in who she is and makes choices based upon fact rather than fantasy.

At 32 she is still open to new ideas, but steadfast enough that she is not easily fooled or manipulated.  The segment went on to explain that after 35 it is very difficult for a man or woman to marry because by that point, both are so set in their ways, compromise, an essential element to successful cohabitation is difficult to achieve.

Does that mean at 35 a woman is over the hill?  And if you're in this age group, how do you cope and open yourself to love?


WORTH THE WAIT

JUNE 13, 2005: On December 27, 2000 I met my future husband.  I was 34.  He was 45.  On December 27, 2004, he proposed.  I finally said yes.  We'll be married in early 2006. He is more than I ever thought I'd find. 

We've traveled the world together; we work on each other's businesses and charities together and we share a common faith which is central and key to our lives.  Between the two of us, we speak seven languages. I'll be 39 next week. I still get carded regularly and hit on by men under twenty-five. In fact my fiancé scolded me for wearing a ponytail about four weeks ago for his fiftieth birthday at a casual restaurant, stating, "I don't want people to think I'm with a teenager!  I'm fifty for heaven's sake.  Put your hair down."  

I'm almost forty and I don't feel a day over twenty-five.  And I know, I would have never met a man this incredible...an inventor with over 50 marketed products, an entrepreneur, a philanthropist, a lover and an incredible Christian if I hadn't waited, learned and grown into someone he would love.  Past girlfriends of his, (major intimidation factor) were Country music royalty, one of Hollywood's current leading ladies and a playmate of the year. Yet I'm the one, an inch and a half taller, with twenty extra pounds and a few aspiring wrinkles, he asked to marry him. 

If you're afraid your clock is ticking, stop worrying.  Have fun.  Get passionate about something and HE will find you.  And then you'll thank God you waited.

Laura Dawn Lewis
CEO, Couples Company
and 30 something Bride to Be.

Anonymous commented on 01-Nov-2011 03:47 AM3 out of 5 stars
This was a nice article but I am single,childless and over 35 but I refuse to date men with kids. A friend asked me at my age what do I think I'm going to get. The same person told me that she would never have a child over age 35 because the risk is way
too high. I hear this all the time and feel that I have no future. Another friend told me that being over 35 means I have a zero percent chance. I feel like I am expired because women who have kids after age 35 are considered high risk. I just feel like I
have no future because I didn't meet the standard like my friends did.
susan commented on 08-Nov-2011 02:07 PM3 out of 5 stars
ccAnonymous, don't be so hard on yourself. I wouldn't want to date a man with kids either for the most part but try not to close your mind off completely to it, there are good guys out there that might have a kid, everyone has a different scenario. maybe
the mother passed away or something, never say never. I did date one guy with kids & didn't like it. But if I had to again I would give it another chance. He didn't want a serious relationship with me or anyone else because of his kids and I think wanted the
mother of them back. He didn't want anymore kids. That was his scenario. So I told him to get a vasectomy if he didn't want any more kids because some woman you date in the future that wants your child will eventually get it if you are not vigilant yourself.
Those were my breaking up words to him but not on bad terms he agreed and I heard later he did get a vasectomy. By the way having kids in the future was not the reason why I dated him. This relationship was casual and not going anywhere. I do not have kids,
I am married. Don't fall into what "society" tells you what the "standard is" are your friends truly happy? Do you even want kids? I can tell you a majority of mine are single parents and are not happy and struggle through life because of their past decision
and had kids way too young or more than they can handle & not prepared or emotionally & financially. I am 43 now and I still do not have kids but I would like one now because for one thing,I am an only child but I like my freedom but we are financially & emotionally
stable now. But being an only child is not a good reason, I know that. I am aware that pregnancy over 40 is high risk, not 35. I am healthy and take good care of myself so I am willing to take the risk if we even take the risk. If it doesn't happen I will
adopt. If that doesn't work oh well, I will enjoy the rest of my life with my husband who can also move on if it doesn't work out. We did not marry to have kids like it seems most people do. It was more important first for us to be with someone we are compatible
with. That was our common interest at first. we both love hot rods so we eventually built one together and go to car shows and are part of the car circuit and have made many friends, that is our interest also. There are more but you get my point I'm sure.
You are still young, what are your interests/hobbies? Maybe join clubs, groups for those interests. Its good to have things in common but also meeting someone with different interests you might like to try keeps things going too. People's interests change,
people change as you may already know. Relax.....you gotta keep an open mind.
susan commented on 08-Nov-2011 02:17 PM3 out of 5 stars
Anonymous, don't be so hard on yourself. I wouldn't want to date a man with kids either for the most part but try not to close your mind off completely to it, there are good guys out there that might have a kid, everyone has a different scenario. maybe
the mother passed away or something, never say never. I did date one guy with kids & didn't like it. But if I had to again I would give it another chance. He didn't want a serious relationship with me or anyone else because of his kids and I think wanted the
mother of them back. He didn't want anymore kids. That was his scenario. So I told him to get a vasectomy if he didn't want any more kids because some woman you date in the future that wants your child will eventually get it if you are not vigilant yourself.
Those were my breaking up words to him but not on bad terms he agreed and I heard later he did get a vasectomy. By the way having kids in the future was not the reason why I dated him. This relationship was casual and not going anywhere. I do not have kids,
I am married. Don't fall into what "society" tells you what the "standard is" are your friends truly happy? Do you even want kids? I can tell you a majority of mine are single parents and are not happy and struggle through life because of their past decision
and had kids way too young or more than they can handle & not prepared or emotionally & financially. I am 43 now and I still do not have kids but I would like one now because for one thing,I am an only child but I like my freedom but we are financially & emotionally
stable now. But being an only child is not a good reason, I know that. I am aware that pregnancy over 40 is high risk, not 35. I am healthy and take good care of myself so I am willing to take the risk if we even take the risk. If it doesn't happen I will
adopt. If that doesn't work oh well, I will enjoy the rest of my life with my husband who can also move on if it doesn't work out. We did not marry to have kids like it seems most people do. It was more important first for us to be with someone we are compatible
with. That was our common interest at first. we both love hot rods so we eventually built one together and go to car shows and are part of the car circuit and have made many friends, that is our interest also. There are more but you get my point I'm sure.
You are still young, what are your interests/hobbies? Maybe join clubs, groups for those interests. Its good to have things in common but also meeting someone with different interests you might like to try keeps things going too. People's interests change,
people change as you may already know. Relax.....you gotta keep an open mind.
piya commented on 10-Nov-2011 05:36 AM3 out of 5 stars
Very interesting and positive attitude...i felt nice after reading and hearing from others. I am 35 and never married..i live in India..most women get married by 25. I get all sorts of "good" advice from so called well meaning people, marry soon, till
u have the chances...and what do u think, u are going to get a price... The fact that i am much higher educated from other women and earn very well, or the fact that i enjoy my hobbies(glass painting) or that i am attractive is meaningless to all..the sole
aim should be to marry and raise children. I am not against any of them and respect the institution of marriage and family. I hope i find someone nice soon...but yeah, being said repeatedly that the chances are getting slim is not interesting. One thing i
noted, there are number of eligible men, we just need to make the choice, maybe make adjustment to certain points, but things surely look very rosy:)
Hannah commented on 05-Dec-2011 09:41 AM5 out of 5 stars
I would like to cite your article in my school paper. May i know the exact date you wrote this article? it would be a great help. thanks! ANSWER: I originally wrote the article in January 2001 when I was 34. I had just met the man that would become my
fiance, though I didn't know it at the time. I did update it in 2011. We never married and we broke up in 2008. After 2 years of not speaking, we reconnected in December 2010 and we continue to work together and remain friends. However we needed 2 years and
8000 miles between us for a couple of years before we could do so. Both of us were quite angry with each other. I went to Saudi Arabia and then England to live for a couple of years before returning to the US after walking out on him. Today I'm 45 and he's
56. We're both still unmarried and we've both had a couple of rebound relationships since. Please feel free to cite it in your school paper. What age has taught me is that the feelings and need for love do not change. Only the hormones. Not quite so much up
and down anymore...and events don't need to be scheduled around monthly issues:) That is a blessing in itself!
Anonymous commented on 09-Dec-2011 05:09 PM1 out of 5 stars
I'm 27 and divorced. No boyfriend, and I'm scared to death I'll end up alone because I refuse to date a guy who is 10 yrs my senior. The highest I'll go is 5 years. Something about older guys really disgust me! What am I gunna do if I don't find anyone
by the time I'm 30? Kill myself??? ANSWER: Try learning to like yourself first. That's the best way to attract someone you will enjoy being around. The fact you use the word 'disgusting' to refer men more than 5 years older than you along with some other references
in your comment tells us that you might want to try creating a life you're happy with first before going out and finding someone to share it with. This isn't Logan's Run. We don't die at 30. You've still likely have 40+ years of life ahead of you and the older
you get, the less significant age difference is. Spend some time on yourself. Learn to like you and you'll attract the kind of man you'll love. Couples Company
Anonymous commented on 14-Dec-2011 02:26 PM3 out of 5 stars
Enjoy your cats!
Anonymous commented on 20-Dec-2011 08:34 PM5 out of 5 stars
Women over 30 who are still single, STOP being insecure about your age. Men don't like insecure women. Men like happy women, women who are fun to be around and how enjoy life. People find love at all ages. You all make it sound like you're doomed if you
don't find someone by the time you're 35. You need to change your attitude otherwise yes, you will end up alone, not because of your age but because of your bad attitude. You also need to be open to dating men who are older than you and men with kids. If you're
not willing to be flexible on this you are likely eliminating an entire group of men who could be perfect for you. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself will do nothing for you. Men can smell insecurity from a mile away. There are plenty of examples of
women over 35 who found love. And for the person who thinks having kids after the age of 35 is too risky, you need to talk to your Dr. before shooting your mouth off. While the risk is higher PLENTY of women over 35 have healthy children. If you feel like
you are losing your looks, then start eating right and get in shape but PLEASE stop with the "poor me, no man will love me because I'm too old" attitude.




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