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For a relationship to have the right stuff, not only do you
have to have great chemistry but you need to share a lot in
common to make the rest of your time together fulfilling.
You’ll want your separate lives to grow together as they
unfold. No matter how great the sex, lives that grow apart
bury a relationship in all the wrong stuff. Feeling exhausted
and exasperated with your relationship as the importance of
sex dwindles are feelings that signal the end is in sight.
Remember we live separate lives—for a relationship to flourish
our lives must grow together and not apart.
You can
appreciate how amazing it would be to be physically,
spiritually, emotionally, financially, intellectually and
sexually matched. For a relationship to have the right stuff
it should have at least three of those qualities and four
would be even better. All six is nearly impossible.
We’ve
discussed her physical and emotional resumes in past articles.
Let’s turn now to how we can discern her spiritual resume.
First, don’t let the word spiritual put you off. Consider it
synonymous with “inner nature” or “character.” It encompasses:
religion, occupation, accomplishments, addictions/vices, sense
of humor and trust.
The Building Blocks of Character
Religion:
Religious feelings and values may be a source of agreement and
shared satisfaction, or they may present an obstacle you, as a
couple, must successfully maneuver in order to go on. Most of
us formed our basic values as we grew up, and we are either
set or yielding with regard to them. Such values are very
personal, so if you can’t reconcile your differences your
relationship already needs a crutch.
Occupation:
This can be a deal breaker. If one of you is on the road for
weeks at a time, and that’s not comfortable for the partner
who is left behind, you have a prescription for disaster.
Ditto for long commutes. If one career requires a lot of
socializing and the other partner is reclusive, can compromise
be found for the long haul? Can you marry a cop? If you are in
medicine, can you marry a malpractice lawyer? Will your
professional passions create unavoidable difficulty in your
personal life together? If it’s a hard but not impossible
match, you might agree not to talk about what each of you do
for a living, recognizing that your jobs are only one facet of
yourselves.
Accomplishments:
Here in her spiritual resume, we’re talking about personal
accomplishments: is she a good friend? A good mother? Does she
care for and help others? Is she loyal? Can she be discreet?
Does she maintain a decent credit rating (a
character/responsibility issue)? Bad credit or a bankruptcy
can be forgivable in the event of a layoff, illness or divorce
so find out the circumstances first before passing judgment.
If this is a consistent pattern of behavior, you'll want to
know as soon as possible. However if her current poor credit
is due to forces beyond her control, take this into
consideration.
Addictions/Vices:
Most people are aware of the problems that accompany excessive
drinking or use of “recreational” drugs. Addiction comes from
trying to numb a spiritual emptiness rather than heal it.
Don’t volunteer to support her addictions, vices or
compulsions. That’s what you’ll do if you “overlook” her
drinking, drugging, overspending, or gambling because she’s
“so much fun” or “great in bed.” She will soon require you to
enable—to be her encouraging partner in—her addictions.
Should you detect that she is ruled by something other than
her good judgment, leave! It’s a trap and you know it.
Sense
of Humor:
This is a spiritual aspect of every person. We all think we
have good taste and a good sense of humor. But, if you’re
observant, it’s quite obvious people’s self-perceptions are
often inaccurate. Each of you must enjoy—or at least
appreciate—the other’s sense of humor. Only you can decide to
spend the rest of your life with someone whose sense of humor
is incompatible with yours. If she always wants to be
“sincere” when you want to banter and “take it lightly, you’ll
need to decide if she has enough other good qualities for a
trade-off in this area. Proceed with caution.
Trust:
Trust is found in the presence of truth and integrity.
Integrity means you are who you say you are. Both are
essential components of being “real.” What you do reflects
your character—what you do is who you are. Over
time, can you see that she is who she says she is, regardless
of the circumstances? Does she, for example, keep her
commitments to you and others? And if she can’t, is she
willing to renegotiate them? If so, she is probably
trustworthy. Among the many things that will certainly destroy
a relationship, distrust is at the top of the list. If either
partner subverts the other’s trust, the bloom falls off the
rose, perhaps never to bloom again.
When trust is
lost, the relationship deteriorates into a sexual maintenance
partnership that leaves the partners feeling sick and
disappointed. Trust and character go hand-in-hand. Character,
for our purposes, is more than “ethical”—it’s an innate,
uncontrived ability to make good things happen—the ability and
willingness to create. Character is destiny. |
