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Before two partners can open up the channels of
communication, a foundation of honest, sensitive discussion
must be created. The essence of that foundation is
understanding and agreement -- an true understanding of each
partner's needs and an agreement to work at satisfying those
needs. The reason is simple. All the advice in the world
will not help a relationship unless both partners are
willing to empathize and compromise.
I'd suggest that you first focus clearly on what you want to
say to your partner. My suggestion is that you try to
clarify the two key points just mentioned -- understanding
and agreement. Don't use the old standards, "we never seem
to talk anymore," or "why are you growing so distant?"
These will only put up defensive barriers in his mind.
Instead, set out to make clear to him what you feel is at
the root of your problem and your suggested solution.
Having clarified and focused your thoughts, be sure you've
got his full attention -- without those distractions you
mentioned. Pick a quiet time when he's not busy and you
know he doesn't have a lot on his mind. When you feel the
time is right, start by saying something like:
"I'd like to talk with you about something important to our
relationship. I've been waiting for a time when we can both
focus and give it our full attention. Is now a good time?"
If he says "yes," so far so good. If he says "no," push for
a specific time and make the point again that you feel it's
very important to the relationship.
When you do talk, the next step is to be crystal clear,
sensitive and level headed. In other words, you must
penetrate his person communication barriers without seeming
aggressive or one-sided. You can do this by avoiding
emotion and vague ideas that he might misinterpret. Be
specific and focused by saying something like:
"I'm getting more and more frustrated because I don't feel
we're communicating. In my mind, we need two things.
First, we need to clearly understand both of our feelings on
this, and second we need to make an agreement between us to
work on improving things. Understanding and agreement. Can
we do that?"
If the answer is positive, you're in the home stretch. If
it's negative, there may be deeper problems in your
relationship. If a partner is not willing to be sensitive
to your feelings, share his own feelings and agree to
improve the situation, often times this signals deeper
troubles. In that case, I'd suggest a professional
counselor.
Hopefully he will agree and at that point you should, again,
be very clear. Look him directly in the eyes and say
something like:
"The truth is the less we talk openly, the more I feel very
uneasy and disconnected from you. I don't have that
comfortable feeling I used to have that we were clear and
sensitive to each other 's feelings -- that we were on the
same wavelength. I love you very much and having that
secure connection is a deep part of what I need as a
partner. Without it I feel kind of out there and lost from
you. Do you see?"
Hopefully you gotten through to him and he will then
understand that this issue is a major problem for you. He
should also realize that communication is an important
ingredient in your relationship. If he does agree that he
understands, next go for the agreement to work on it. You
might try something like:
"I think if we both agree to work on it, we'll be fine. I'm
positive it just takes a commitment to compromise and be
sensitive to each other's feelings, but we have to agree to
commit. And remember, I don't mean I want all your time.
You need your own space and so do I. What I think we should
do is just agree that we'll both stay conscious of how
important it is to keep talking and make sure that we work
at it. Okay."
Again, if you get a "yes," you're doing fine. If you get a
"no", and in fact at this point in any case, what you'll
want to do is listen carefully, openly and objectively to
his point of view. If he has issues and this makes him
decide to bring them out in the open, you've got to remain
level headed, and willing to do just like you've asked him
to do. It take two sides and that has to remain upper most
in your minds, even if he tells you things you don't
particularly want to hear.
Once you've got any issues out in the open and worked
through them, you need a rational and workable agreement to
compromise and make the changes necessary. This is
something you can work on together. It
should be a plan to: speak regularly about how you're
feeling, remain open to constructive criticism, empathize
with the other partner and actively work to satisfy each
other.
Remember, again, that it takes both sides to make it work
and it takes
effort. If you create a foundation of open and sensitive
communication,
you've got half the battle won.
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