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So, how does one survive the child-rearing process, sans
partner, with a challenging child?
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Be open to
opportunities for help. There’s an adage that says
‘It takes a village to raise a child.” There’s a lot of truth
in that statement. My son’s school created an ADHD group –
several kids that meet with the counselor for 30 minutes each
week. They work on their social skills, and how to best
interact with others. It’s been helpful on several levels –
Casey has others with the same struggles he has, and has a
conscious reminder to pay attention to how his actions impact
others. At tae kwon do, the master said the most difficult
thing for parents is to allow them to do the discipline. I
relish that aspect. If Casey’s behavior is inappropriate, the
rule is simple – he does pushups. At upper ranks, misbehavior
is carried a step further, and the entire class does pushups.
The pressure to make better choices accelerates learning; no
one likes doing pushups. Allow others to help mold your
child’s behavior.
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Step back.
The biggest lesson for single parents with ADHD kids may be
one of balance. I have difficulty in distinguishing between
when my son is being 11, and learning to assert himself, and
when he’s unnecessarily disrespectful. I’m also horrid at
‘picking my battles.’ For a long while, however, my father
would stay with us for several days once or twice a month,
when he was in town on business. He was stellar at reminding
me “Kelly, don’t sweat this. He’s fine – let him be.” He was
also critical in letting Casey know when he’d crossed a line.
“That’s enough, and now you’ll apologize to your mother.”
Observing others can be very helpful for creating balance, to
keep you off the deep end, and from being the parent who
always says no, or always is criticizing.
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Routine, routine, routine. Set a bed time.
Set a time for homework. If possible, fix a protein rich
breakfast – It gives ADHD kids a head start on focusing.
Provide consequences. If homework isn’t completed by 5pm, the
tv show Casey wants to see at 8pm may be forfeited. If the
week’s reading isn’t done by Thursday evening, the Playstation
will not be played over the weekend. Stick to the
consequences. The ‘routine’ piece of the puzzle doesn’t only
apply to your child, however. Some things will be important
to your child, regardless of whether or not it is to you. My
son has a pair of boxer shorts, the ONLY pair he will wear
under his bright white tae kwon do uniform. It’s easier to
keep them clean on a constant basis than it is to deal with
his self-consciousness over any other alternative. What makes
them tick doesn’t always matter – their feeling confident
does.
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Know your limits. Many is the fight I
just knew I had to win. Sometimes, knowing when to stop and
take a time-out (you, not your child) is the greater part of
valor. Even when you’re used to the incessant prattle, the
inappropriate laughter, the unheard-of noise levels, sometimes
you will have ‘had it up to here.’ Often, it’s better to just
leave the room, and go somewhere quiet, away from your child.
Casey knows that if he hears my bedroom door close – it isn’t
locked, but he’d best knock, as I’ve chosen to not be with him
for now.
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“But Chicks dig violin players, Mom!” If
you have the energy, don’t abstain from encouraging your child
to try any number of activities. Chaos loves chaos, and
keeping up with children’s frenetic pace can be enriching by
keeping them both busy and motivated. When Casey was invited
to join his school’s orchestra one year early (testing out of
fifth grade at the end of fourth grade), he pondered the
clarinet, or the drums. I shuddered at the thought, then took
a deep breath, and suggested violin, due to the reason above.
Maintain your sense of humor. Think of each new activity as
another accomplishment for your little star.
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Make
lists. A coworker once watched me make a list of
things for Casey to get done the next day, and laughed. I
learned he had no children, and nodded sagely. He’ll have a
rude awakening someday. Lists are great for the little things
that might be forgotten in the melee of getting ready in the
morning, or get lost in the shuffle after school. One never
quite knows what time tooth-brushing may occur at our house if
the bus arrives and Casey doesn’t have his shoes on.
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A sense of humor
and a grain of salt.
Sometimes, taking everything too seriously just doesn’t help,
nor does becoming angry. Clear communication, however, can
work wonders, as can reminding your child that you are on his
or her side. During Casey’s worst times at school, we had a
meeting of the minds. I told him that I would stick up for
him, and be his cheerleader, but that he had to give 110% if I
did. For Casey, I would browbeat the PTA, and make the
principal tired of seeing me, but he had to put forth the same
effort. That simple discussion has made a huge difference
more than once.
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What does this all mean? I’m not
suggesting that all rambunctious, chatty, precocious,
energetic, bright children have ADHD. Misdiagnoses have
occurred, and medications prescribed unnecessarily. I was
fortunate to have concerned medical professionals to help me
‘see the light,’ even when I was resistant.
Finally, the more self-reliant that I
encourage Casey to be (by guiding, not instructing or
ordering), the better choices he usually makes. Clearly there
are exceptions – walking, talking and carrying juice are NEVER
a wise choice – but there will always be good and bad days.
My goal is for Casey and I, together, to have more of the
former than the latter. We seem to be getting there.
TAKE the ADD Quiz
Our next adventure will be doing volunteer work together at
our zoo weekly. We’ll see how it goes.
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