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He keeps talking about going back to
school...I am well on my way in a professional career and he
hasn't gotten his feet off the ground. When we met I was only 21
with no job and living at home with my parents. Now, at 29 I
have a successful career and have just recently returned to
school to complete my degree. I often feel very lonely and
recently have been going out on the weekends with my
girlfriends. Recently, I met an attractive man who has been
asking me to question my happiness in my current relationship. I
am not sure if I am in love anymore. I don't know if I am happy
and wonder if I have settled for something that is comfortable.
How do I know if I am happy....How do I know if I could be
happier? I am very confused. Because I have invested so much
time in this relationship, I don't want to make a rash decision
without really trying to get to the root of my feelings.
TOP
Elaine (F) 29
Tacoma, WA.
Dear Elaine,
I commend and respect your value in asking hard questions before
leaving a relationship of 7 years. Your story however is not
uncommon . Research tells us that the marriages which occur
before the age of 28 are at very high risk for divorce. Why?
people do a lot of changing and growing from 18-28. You appear
to have grown professionally and personally. As often happens,
it seems that your boyfriend's growth has not kept pace with
yours. In addition, the opposite schedule life that seemed to
work well for you at the beginning is no longer manageable.
Start by asking yourself some hard questions:
TOP
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What kind of life do I want to have a year
or 3years, from now?
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Does this man fit with that life?
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What really works in this relationship?
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What doesn't work?
Sometimes people make columns on a piece of
paper to easily illuminate how the relationship is working for
them.
Once you have done your work, approach your boyfriend and ask
him how the relationship is working for him. Don't be surprised
or angry if he thinks it's just fine. Calmly and clearly let him
know what you'd like that you're not getting. Give him time to
think about it and give you a response.
TOP
In terms of your happiness, you can do
a similar exercise with a list of
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"I know I'm happy when…",
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and "I believe I'd be much happier if.."
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How am I
benefiting from this relationship?
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How is he benefiting?
Be realistic about what is possible with this
man or any man.
Accept that it may take some time to sort what is next in your
life. Be courageous, face the hard truths and your course of
action will become clear. --Judy Whaling
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