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In addition to the large age
difference, she was a born-again, and he hadn't been religious at
all. Luckily, she was the cool kind who lives her religion
instead of talking about it. They had become good friends
first and eventually got married. By every account, they're
extremely happy.
That couple is a fine example
of what Sol Gordon, Ph.D., and Elaine Fantle Shimberg discuss
in their new book,
Another Chance for Love: Finding a Partner
Later in Life (Adams Media, 2004). I've been reading and
enjoying Sol Gordon's books for many years now, and this is another
one that combines inspiration with practical, sane guidance.
Finding and sustaining love is always a challenge, and the older you
get, you more you can become dispirited over your chances of ever
finding a suitable partner. Another Chance for Love takes
the unusual stance that it's actually friendship that is the
answer. Seeking out, valuing, and deepening friendships with
reasonably suitable individuals may lead you to a long-term, deep,
and abiding love that will make your earlier quest for fireworks
seem shallow.
Gordon, a psychologist and sex
educator, and Shimberg, an accomplished author, discuss values,
trust, communication, humor, and passion (not just for sex, but for
life) – among the aspects of a good friend. Relaxing into the
safety and flow of an authentic friendship, they explain, is more
likely to lead to something richer than if you begin every official
"date" with unreal expectations. The authors would probably
consider the couple I mentioned above as love between two "otherwise
perfect persons." An OPP is someone who is your ideal except for
perhaps one thing, say she smokes and you hate the smell of smoke.
You can always ask her not to smoke in your presence to give the
relationship a chance to develop, suggest the authors.
Their section called
"Predictors of Love Disaster" warns against basing your relationship
on myths (myths the book spends much time debunking). Other red
lights: thinking you'll go crazy without the person, frequent and
uncontrollable outbursts of anger, your partner has a major
addiction and won't get help, your partner is mean, overloads credit
cards, hasn't grown up, or can't express emotion or show
sensitivity. Chapters on living together or apart, and on
alternative lifestyles round out this fine book.
2nd
Marriage Weddings
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So you've found the almost-perfect
partner and you're beginning to plan the wedding. Unless
you're running off to City Hall, you'll find lots of help in
Julie Weingarden Dubin's How to Plan an Elegant Second
Wedding: Achieving the Wedding You Want with Grace and Style
(Prima, 2003). Dubin's tome offers sane and sensible advice
for those planning to celebrate their second (or later)
nuptials. She covers the usual stuff, like choosing time
and place, creating guest lists, the ceremony, clothes,
music, and so on. |
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If someone else planned your
shindig the first time around and you're on your own now, this basic
material could save a lot of last-minute hair-pulling (your own and
who knows who else's). Dubin talks about getting over your guilt,
such as over whether you "deserve" another big wedding and whether
you'll be competing with your younger self in your friends' eyes.
(The guilt-prone can come up with numerous scenarios to inspire
guilt.) She also helps you figure out who pays for what this time,
and how to include your kids in the big day.
Grace and style – it's all about having a
healthy attitude that takes you from making friends to falling in
love to cementing the commitment. These books can help.
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