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My ex started a new relationship
before we were even finished. They are moving into a new home he
purchased for them, though he refused to do that with me. I’m
resentful that he’s willing to do so much to make his new
relationship work. I couldn’t take his abuse, I gave it all I had,
almost my life. But oh! those good times were SO good. Help! Is
another relationship the cure?
Haunted (F) 36
Victoria, British Columbia
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Dear Haunted:
The brain is a funny organ. Psychologists have found that most of
us tend to remember the good times more readily than the bad ones.
Depressed people, though, ruminate endlessly and pointlessly over
what went wrong in the past as well as what’s wrong in their lives
now. That’s one of the reasons they stay depressed. Sounds like
you’re dealing with a challenging one-two combo: you keep recalling
the good moments from a bad marriage, while you focus uselessly on
what’s imperfect about anyone you date. Plus you still aren’t over
the fact that your husband left you. Sounds like you’re very much
still living in the past – a past that had become mainly rotten, by
all accounts.
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You’ve only actually been divorced for a year, and it sometimes
takes longer than that to fully process something as traumatic as
what you’ve been through. Soon, though, it will really be time to
move on, for your son’s sake at the very least, and I’d try hard to
get over those festering resentments. So what if your ex bought a
house for his new lover? That doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive to her
like he was to you. But if he’s learned his lesson and is finally
being a good partner, then look at the bright side – he’s going to
be a much better model for your son now. You can’t go back and
relive the past differently. The unique dynamic between the two of
you was very very bad, no matter how hard YOU tried. You said so
yourself. I believe you, so why can’t you believe yourself?!
You’re still carrying a lot of baggage. What you’re describing is
obsessive: thinking about those few good times no matter what else
you’re trying to think about. You’re wasting your life imagining a
fantasy that was very intermittent, and what came in-between
shouldn’t happen to a dog. Not even a very bad dog. A skilled
therapist might be able to help you move on and get more ready for a
new relationship.
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