Has finally
admitted to having a 'wall' of fear towards me and is not
willing to risk being rejected. We are both in very good
physical condition. I have been very generous towards him
sexually. Many, many
times allowing him his needs to be met, while not having mine
met. After the first 6 months I asked why he exhibited this
behavior towards me. He confessed to it, said he was sorry and
would try to change. After a year and a half, I again asked,
this time it was the catalyst that broke up our relationship.
His parting words to me were "Goodbye -----, I’m sorry, I'm
not the man you want me to be."
Dear Is He For Real:
You didn't mention how old you both are; this would help.
However, it sounds like you are best to be rid of him. He is
using you and has no concern about your pleasure. He is
cheap, he is selfish with both his money, his time and
himself (which is why he doesn't initiate). He has problems
that only a therapist can help him with. But he is so cheap
that he probably wouldn't spend the money for a therapist.
Start to take care of your own needs.
TOP
Best of Love, Dr. Joan
Addendum from Laura Dawn Lewis:
Dear Is He For Real:
Like many letters we receive, the
issue isn't what you originally asked. It's in the
body of your letter and has little to do with
sexual
dysfunction.
His lack of initiation is a symptom of the real issue. I
suspect you know this or you would not have included the
details.
TOP
You might want to
consider whether your boyfriend is being honest with you
about who and what he is. The
men I know of means never say how much money they have or
refer to themselves as millionaires. It's considered
in bad taste to discuss or display wealth ostentatiously.
Those who speak of means are generally wannabes.
The behaviors men of means do exhibit
are quite different than your boyfriend's, especially
during the courting stages. Most wealthy men are reserved until
they get to know you, (usually 2-3 months). They have
to be to protect their wealth. Most will also run a
background check on you before they allow the relationship
to get too serious. What does provide clues to a person's
wealth is his mannerisms. He'll know his way around a wine list, he
seems very at ease in upscale areas. Where as you may
purchase a mid-priced item, he will only consider the best. When browsing at
stores he'll mention details that only a sophisticated
shopper will know. His home may not be elaborately
decorated, (most bachelors are not decorators) but everything will be quality. His clothes
the same thing. Most importantly he will never discuss
money, his wealth or his assets as a subject. He will give you glimpses into his wealth a few little
pieces at a time. Men of means can be frugal (hesitant
to spend money) but rarely are they cheap. They tend to buy
quality when they finally purchase and value their time over
anything else. This
difference in preference, (his liking bargain basement and
your wanting at least JC Penny) indicates an incompatibility in
Aesthetic Intimacy and
Intellectual Intimacy. This is not a good indication of
a healthy long-term relationship.
TOP
Giving gifts is an act of
Sexual Intimacy and the lack of it is a very telling
indication of a relationship that does not exist, (Another
incompatibility). It is
a crucial part of courtship, though it is not the cost of the gift but the
fact it is given that is important. Your boyfriend's non-participation
in this is a strong sign of a man who does not love, care or
cherish you, (No
Emotional Intimacy).
Gift giving is not a money thing. For
example my favorite gift cost just $1.65. It was a
Starbucks Espresso Brownie and my boyfriend at the time
drove to six different Starbucks one evening to find
it. I was home with the flu. Another favorite
gift was $4.35. My boyfriend knew I don't like onions so he
went to six stores trying to find salsa without onions.
He couldn't find any without but he did find one with onions
as the second to the last ingredient. Though he's given me
countless roses, a complete computer system, very expensive
jewelry, a trip and numerous other gifts, that jar of salsa
means the most because I know his time is his most valuable
asset.
Gift
giving ties into the basic human instinct of conquest.
Men give gifts to show how they adore you, that they can
take care of you and as a symbol of appreciation. On a
basic instinct level, women choose a man based upon his
ability to protect, cherish and care for her. From
what you've said he doesn't seem to do any of these things. By not
giving you gifts, cards and trinkets he's telling you he
doesn't care about you. That hurts, I know. By
giving you used items, (and there is no problem with this if
it is all a man can afford), especially since he purports to
be a man of means, he's telling you what he believes you are
worth. You deserve much better than that. Courtship is
about selling yourself to the other person by impressing
then and showing your best side. If this is his best
side, think about what marriage will be like.
TOP
Based upon your letter he is sponging
off you and my suspicion is he is not what he says he is.
The behavior you describe is more symptomatic of a
con-artist than a millionaire. Even if that is not the
case, based upon your information his behavior is clearly
narcissistic. This means you will never be number one
with him. His life is about his needs, comfort and
pleasures only. If he is conning you, you
don't want to go down this road. Get out while you
can. He'll bleed you dry and you'll wake up one day in
your fifties wondering what happened.
Hang in there and have the courage to
make to day the first day of the rest of your romantic life.
Read the
4
Stages of Grief and ask yourself the questions in the
Denial segment. You deserve someone who loves you, not
someone who is using you; but to get there you must first be
honest with yourself about what you have. From what
you've said, you don't have a relationship, you have a
convenience...for him. You're missing every aspect of
Intimacy except
Physical. You need to decide if you're willing to
settle for superficial or if you want someone who loves you
and who will allow you to love him. If this is
what you want, the only option you have is to force him to
leave and shut the door on him forever.
Good Luck!
Laura Dawn Lewis
