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In addition to fear or anger,
feelings of failure can also
cause kids to leave home. Some
children run away because it’s
easier to live on their own than
to live in a critical home. I
remember being 15 years old and
living in a hallway in the Bronx
in winter. I didn’t miss home at
all because I felt like such a
failure there. Sadly, kids with
behavior management problems or
learning disabilities often get
tired of the feeling that they
just can’t get it right; it’s
easier for them to run than to
fix the problem. Often, they
don’t know that what they’re
facing can be dealt with using
other strategies.
In my opinion, the main reason
why kids run away is because
they don’t have good
problem-solving skills. Running
away is an “either/or” kind of
solution; it’s a product of
black-and-white thinking. Kids
run away because they don’t want
to face something, and that
includes emotions they don’t
want to deal with. The
adolescent who runs away has run
out of problem-solving skills.
And leaving home—along with
everything that is overwhelming
them—seems to solve their
immediate problems.
Episodic vs. Chronic
Running Away
I think it’s very important to
distinguish between kids who run
away episodically, and those who
are chronic runners. The reasons
behind the actions are quite
different, and it’s crucial to
know what they are.
-
Episodic Running Away:
When your child runs away
after something has
happened, it can be viewed
as episodic running away.
It’s not a consistent
pattern, and your child is
not using it as a
problem-solving strategy all
the time. It's also not
something they use to gain
power. Rather, they might be
trying to avoid some
consequence, humiliation or
embarrassment. I’ve known
kids to leave home because
they were caught cheating in
school or because they
became pregnant and were
afraid of their parents’
disapproval.
-
Chronic Running Away:
Kids who consistently use
running away to gain power
in the family have a chronic
problem. Realize that
chronic running away is just
another form of power
struggle, manipulation, or
acting out; it's just very
high risk acting out. They
may threaten their parents
by saying, “If you make me
do that, I'll run away.”
They know parents worry; for
many, it’s one of their
greatest fears. Some parents
may engage in bargaining and
over-negotiating with their
kids over this when they
shouldn't because they're
afraid. But you need to
understand that kids who
threaten to run away are
using it for power. This not
only gives them power over
themselves, but power over
their parents and their
families as well. When a
parent gives in to this
threat, their child starts
using it to train them. For
example, a parent in this
situation will learn to stop
sending their child to their
room if he or she threatens
to run away each time it
happens. I want to be clear
here: kids who chronically
threaten to run away are not
running away to solve one
problem. They're running
away because that is their
main problem-solving skill.
They’re trying to avoid any
type of accountability.
Are there Warning Signs?
Unfortunately, there are no real
hard-and-fast signs that
indicate your child is about to
run away. Certainly, you can
look for secretive behavior, the
hoarding of money, and things of
value disappearing around the
house. If you ever notice this
happening, don’t turn a blind
eye: trust your gut. You
probably already know that
something is up, whether it’s
substance abuse or your child’s
desire to leave home.
A Step-by-Step Way to
Teach Your Kids that Running
Away Won’t Solve Their Problems
-
Teach
Problem-Solving Skills
The most important thing you
can do is teach your
children problem solving
skills. Ask them, “What can
you do differently about
this problem? What are some
ways we can deal with this
problem?” Always approach
something as a problem that
needs to be solved, and
reward your child when they
are able to do it
successfully. Be sure to say
things like, “I liked the
way you solved that problem,
Josh. The teacher was upset,
but you went up and
apologized. That took guts.
And now she has a better
opinion of you. I’m really
proud of you.” As much as
possible, praise your child
when he does something
positive.
-
Create an Atmosphere of
Acceptance
Unconditional love is an
idea that is used a lot in
parenting, but different
people mean different things
by it. Some people say
“unconditional love” but
what they mean is
“co-dependency.” When I say
unconditional love, I mean
“I can't love you any less
if you do poorly and I won't
love you love anymore if you
do well. If you get an A I
won't love you any more. If
you get a D I won't love you
any less. I love you.” I
think it's important for
parents to have that kind of
atmosphere in their house
and to reinforce it with
their kids. It's also good
for parents to say, “It's
okay to make mistakes around
here.” Make it clear to your
child that “the way we
handle mistakes in our home
is by facing up to them and
dealing with them.”
-
Check
in with Your Child
All parents should have a
system where they check in
with their kids frequently.
Just stop and ask, “How's it
going? Anything you want
help with?” You can say this
two or three times in one
day; go by their room and
knock on the door. That way
you're constantly giving
your child hypodermic
interest and affection.
You’re saying, “I'm
interested in you, I care.”
This is a skill that parents
can build; it doesn't always
come naturally. I understand
that parents who have worked
all day come home and
they're tired. My wife and I
were both social workers and
when we came home, the last
thing we wanted to do was
talk some more. But we
trained ourselves to do that
so our son would know we
were interested and that we
cared. You never lose when
you show that to a child.
-
Talk
to Your Child if You Think
He’s at Risk of Running
If you think your child is
at risk of running away or
you know that his friends
have done so, you want to
sit down and talk with him.
Always temper your comments
about other kids’ behavior
by what your child might be
thinking. They hear you when
you say, “Oh, that little
hoodlum, if my kid ran away,
he'd never come home.” As a
parent, you need to be
careful about who's
listening. What you really
want to say to your child
is, “If you screw up and run
away, don't hesitate to come
back and we'll talk about
it.” And if your child says,
“Talk about what?” I would
say, “Talk about how to
solve the problem
differently.”
-
Responding to Threats
When your child threatens to
run away, I think you should
respond by saying, “Running
away is not going to solve
your problems. You're going
to have to take
responsibility for this. And
by the way, if you do run
away, you're still going to
have to face this problem
when you come home.” And
then tell them what will
solve their problems: “These
are the family rules and
learning to deal with the
family rules is going to
solve your problems. Not
running away from them.”
I think you can give
warnings, as well. You might
say, “Listen, if you run
away, I can't stop you, but
it's dangerous out there. I
won't be able to protect
you. So not only will you
not solve your problems,
you'll also be putting
yourself at risk. Bad things
happen to kids and that's
the risk you're taking. I
don't think it's worth it,
Jenna.” As I mentioned
before, you can also try to
get them to take a time-out
by saying, “Why don't you
just calm down for five
minutes and then let’s talk
about it.”
Many families I've worked
with wound up dealing with
constant threats by saying,
“Look, if you run, you run.
But these are still our
family rules.” At some
point, they stopped giving
in because they realized it
wasn’t effective or healthy
for their families or their
child.
“I’m Outta Here!” When
Your Child is about to Leave:
3 Things Parents Can
Do in the Moment
Many kids leave home in the heat
of an argument with their
parents or after some major
event. This action is probably
not spontaneous—your child might
have been considering how they
will run away for quite some
time. If you sense your child is
about to leave, here are a few
things you can do or say to stop
them:
-
Try
to Get Them to Calm Down
Try to get your child to
calm down for five minutes.
You can say, “Why don’t you
sit right here in the living
room and take a timeout.
I’ll be back in five
minutes.” I wouldn't tell
your child to go to his
room; have him stay right
there in the living room or
kitchen. It’s not a good
idea to send him to his
bedroom. This is because if
he goes there and gets the
impulse, he's going to climb
out the window.
-
Ask
“What’s Going on?” Not “How
are You Feeling?”
When you talk to your child,
don't ask him how he's
feeling; ask him what's
going on. All kids want to
argue about how they're
feeling—or they want to deny
that they’re feeling
anything at all. Often
parents get stuck there. So
instead of, “Why are you so
upset?” try asking, “What’s
going on? What did you see
that made you want to
leave?”
-
Use
Persuasive Language
A really good question to
ask your child is, “So
what's so bad about this
that you can't handle it?”
After he or she tells you,
you can say, “You've handled
stuff like this before. Kids
your age deal with this all
the time and I know you can
do it. So you screwed up,
it's not the end of the
world. Face what you’ve got
to face and then let's get
on with life.” That kind of
reasoning is called
“persuasive talking.” As a
parent, you're not giving
in, but you're trying to
persuade your child that
they're okay. I used this
approach successfully in my
practice with kids all the
time; I found that many
teens yield to that type of
persuasion.
Remember, kids run away from
problems they can't handle. It’s
in our culture. Adolescents
often see running away as a way
to achieve a sense of power and
independence. They don’t
understand that it's false power
and independence, however,
because they can't take care of
themselves in a legitimate way
on the streets. Still, those
feelings can be very ingrained
for some kids. Personally, I
think the most important thing
for a child to learn is how to
solve his problems differently.
Your child is going to have to
face whatever he's avoiding
eventually, and it's of the
utmost importance that he
understands that critical life
lesson: “Eventually, you’re
going to have to face this.”
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PART II
From the October 2009 issue
of
Empowering Parents a free
online magazine for parents.
Reprinted with permission. |
