|
The gossip quickly turned nasty.
Students saw their names linked with acts clouding their
reputations. There was frustration, tears and overall despair
for the students who were unfortunate enough to be targeted on
the web site. It was a new use of cyberspace: Internet
bullying.
Teasing,
bullying, rudeness or whatever you choose to call it has
reached frightening levels. Children and adolescents are
becoming increasingly disrespectful to each other. The joking
they engage in is often mean-spirited and cruel. Parents and
teachers are either unaware, choose to ignore it or worse yet,
join in.
“Ha, ha,
she’s so fat.” “Ha, ha, he is such a dork” “Ha, ha, his
dad’s a jerk.” “Ha, ha, their car is a pile of junk.” “Ha,
ha, he’s so dumb he’s in all the easy classes.” “Ha, ha, did
you see what she had on today?” The most common and hurtful
“ha, ha’s”, however, are those that refer to sex: “Ha, ha
he’s so gay,” or “ha, ha she’s such a hooker.”
TOP
At the
time of the incident newspaper accounts about the boys who
committed the murders at Columbine High School in the Denver
said they were ridiculed relentlessly by fellow classmates.
The same thing is concluded about the fifteen-year-old
freshman that gunned down fellow students in the San Diego
area in 2001. A pattern here must be examined.
TOP
While
nothing justifies picking up a gun and killing people at
random, if we would objectively try to understand what
teenagers face at school and with their peers we might be able
to offer solutions to stop these senseless killings.
Adolescence has never been a placid
stage of life. It is characterized by raging hormones, a
drive for independence and pressure to succeed. Today, the
raging hormone fires are fanned and kept burning by music and
videos so sexually explicit that many adults cringe when they
actually hear the words. Independence is hardly questioned
and the pressure to succeed includes being able to excel
athletically, academically and socially. In fact, the
expectations to succeed in these areas have become more
important than the expectation to develop as a responsible
human being.
If we,
the adults, would allow ourselves an honest trip down
memory lane, we would certainly remember some very rough
moments in junior high and high school. Few of us were spared
the sting of rejection from a peer group, a sport or a club.
TOP
Read the
headlines and you will believe that today's the high school
atmosphere is so much more charged with competition that it is
sometimes overwhelming. Competitively the contrary is true. Parents in
several states are suing school districts if their children
are held back or failed. By doing this they are teaching
children that if you don't like something, bully your way
through it to get your way. In other states like
Florida, school districts are giving children A's for
receiving less than 40% correct on a standard academics test.
Instead of teaching our children to work towards goals, we
teach them that if they don't like the review or grade, sue
and you'll get your way. Unfortunately when these children
enter the workforce, they will find that competition is very
really and they haven't been prepared.
Is today harder for teens? In some ways
it is since they now deal with on campus security, more
impediments to their freedom and the threat of terrorism and
gangs. In some ways it is the same. Read the
headlines and concerns in parenting magazines and news media
from 1978-1984. On the core issues, little has changed. The exact same
issues: bullying, drugs, gangs, teen pregnancy, alcohol, sex, peer pressure, graphic
music (at that time AC/DC, Van Halen and the Sex Pistols) all
existed and influenced the teens of that period. In 1980
you had to wear San Francisco Riding Gear Jeans and Famolares
to be cool. The next year it was Calvin Klein and Nike. Go
back to 1958 and Elvis was responsible for teen rebellion and
every kid needed a red windbreaker like James Dean. The
parents of the 80's and 50's are saying the same thing as the
parents today. The pressures for today's children are
the same ones we dealt with as teens...with two exceptions.
TOP
What is different today? Two things. The
first difference is the family unit and morality. In
1980, though divorce was common most children still lived with
their original parents. Both parents worked, similar to
today. It is these children born during the sixties and
seventies that are now raising today's generation.
In 2000 the bi-nuclear family, (multiple
parents, multiple children) became the primary family unit in
the United States. With divorce, remarriage and a life focused
upon the parent's comfort and needs comes a devaluation of
foundation, principles, safety and the negation of the value
of forgiveness. Children today are primarily raised
without the one constant they could count on, family.
This teaches them that nothing is permanent, and nothing can
be counted on.
TOP
The second is societal promotion of the
devaluation of human life. In the most extreme example we have
the Middle East. Bullying is a symptom of low
self-esteem and lack of empathy for others. It can only exists
if one child believes he/she is better than others.
Bullying negates the value of an individual by insisting that
individual has less right to be and that the person bullying
is somehow more entitled to life.
Society blurs or negate the basic
teachings of parents. Society now tells parents and
children of all
faiths that their morality and foundations are wrong because
special interests want their lives, causes or actions to be
accepted and endorsed. In Texas the week of August 19th,
2002 two teens have been forbidden to attend their church
because the church teaches homosexuality is a sin. The
girls tried to divorce their mother and become emancipated
minors. Several years ago the mother decided to begin a
lesbian relationship. The girls found this abhorrent and
did not want to be subjected to it. The court's solution: The
mother has to stop engaging in a lesbian relationship in front
of her children and the children must agree to stop going to
church.
Children are told by society that
adhering to any faith and its guidelines whether it be Muslim,
Christian, Jewish or any other formal foundation, they are
wrong. Following the faith based guidelines to right and
wrong in Bible, the Qur'an or Talmud offends special interests
and these special interests now ridicule children in public
for their beliefs. When a child stands up for his or her
beliefs, he or she is chastised. Shows like Jerry Springer,
Big Brother poke fun at
everything and everyone. Children's morality is now
created by radio and television talk show hosts. Jokes
about the President and the Pope are fair game on late night
talk shows. No one is spared the biting criticism masked as a
joke. Radio spews forth so much hate and distaste for anyone
in the line of fire of the host of the show that it makes your
head spin. When and how did all of this become acceptable?
When did we become so mean?
We all
share a responsibility in what is happening on our school
campuses. Parents, teachers, administrators, those in
government, the media, even our churches and of course
students themselves. A complicated problem requires more than
glib comments. As parents we can only guide our own children
and help them to understand the mire being forced upon them.
TOP
We need
to teach our children from the time they are very young that
caring for each other is far more important than competing
with each other. This is part of a healthy self-esteem. We
need to teach them that to be different is not to be weird or
stupid, it is to be exceptional. Maybe we need to teach less
history and math and more tolerance. History and math
are the responsibility of our schools. Tolerance,
morality and humanity are the responsibility of parents.
As parents we need to worry more about our children's
humanity, values and morality. If these are strong and
reinforced, if our children's experiences are built upon a
solid foundation of facts, questions, positive reinforcement,
our children will not become victims of each other or
society's ills.
What can parents do?
Anti-bully Action Plan
1) Teach your children both the
foundations of your morality and values but also discuss
behaviors you see that do not conform to it with them.
Ask how they feel about it. Help them learn to stand up
for themselves and separate manipulation from truth.
TOP
2) Know what they are watching and
listening to. If you do not like it, explain why and ask
for your child's opinion.
TOP
3) If your child is bullied, work with
them effectively diffuse further attacks. Children that
bully have low self-esteem. Show your child how to use
this to his or her advantage. Teach them smart
come-backs and practice these. Most bullies will bend if
the child shows their attacks have no effect. Teach your
children they can turn and leave without giving the bully the
attention he or she craves.
TOP
4) Encourage self-defense classes like
karate and tai kwon do. A child who is confident in
his/her ability to protect himself will be less likely to be
intimidated.
TOP
5) In school, athletics take precedence
and popularity is often bestowed based upon looks and athletic
ability. In the real world brains, talent and innovation
are the qualities adults respect. If your child is not
athletic, begin exposing your young artist or scientist to
successful men and women with the same talents. Show him
or her the exciting opportunities that exist with his/her
talents. Give him/her a role model with the same
qualities to aspire to.
TOP
6) Be a parent, not a friend.
Children have friends and you will have an entire adult
lifetime to be your child's friend. Right now he/she
needs a parent, which means you won't be "cool". Fifteen
years from now, your child will appreciate your hard line,
even if now they hate it.
TOP
7) Don't forget to tell your child every
day that you love them and are proud of who he or she is
becoming. A strong sense of self and knowing he/she is
loved is the best protection against bullying you can provide.
TOP
Tip for parents not living with their
children: Borrow a trick military couples use to
keep in touch. Give your child an alpha numeric pager
and send him/her a message every night before he/she goes to
bed or during the day if you are thinking of him or her.
This allows you to virtually tuck in your child each night and
send little reminders that you do love him/her even if you
can't be there.
TOP
END
|
