You’d Better Like “I-Messages” (Or Else!)

by Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., Contributor

 

We all surely know that “I-messages” are the proper way to get our thoughts and needs across to our loved ones.  Still, sometimes they don’t seem to work.  That is, no matter how we phrase what we want, our mate won’t give it to us.  If we keep trying, he might even get annoyed.  Is he just being obstreperous or are we doing it wrong or what? 

It’s actually possible to feel pummeled by even the most innocently intended I-message. Doing it correctly isn’t obvious. You need to get behind the words to see what your I-message is actually saying.

“I think you’re a slob” might follow the letter of the law, but not its spirit. The idea behind limiting yourself to so-called I-messages is to focus on how your partner’s actions are affecting you, how you feel hurt, irritated, or saddened by what the other person did or does. It can feel risky, but at least one of you has to be the first to take the chance of disclosing aspects of yourself that are deeply personal.  Eventually, such disclosures will bond you and get the two of you over many an upsetting interlude.

When I tell my husband, “I don’t like it when you leave your dirty clothes all over the house,” what I’m expressing is that the way I see his behavior isn’t the same as the way he sees it.  I’m not saying it’s wrong for him to be more casual than I am.  I’m just saying I don’t like it.  If I’m feeling patient, I’ll add something about why a particular behavior bugs me, such as, “I’m feeling especially overwhelmed with tasks today, and the disorder in our bedroom just adds to my sense of being out of control.”

While you can suffer negative feelings when your partner behaves a certain way, you’re not saying he’s responsible for those feelings. And you don’t have to feel less close to your partner just because you wish he’d behave differently.  

One explanation for why your mate may hear a “you” message underneath the clearest of your I-statements is that he constructs the world differently than you do. If so, he might feel blamed, defensive, or guilty when you don’t intend to sound accusatory. During our most contentious times, no matter how I phrased my dissatisfactions, my husband nevertheless whatever I said as placing blame.

I eventually learned that my I-messages were incomplete. What was missing was a description of what I wanted or needed from my partner.  So that you wouldn’t say, “You work too much,” but rather, “It seems as though you’ve been getting home late much more often than you used to, and I miss eating dinner with you. Is it possible for you to come home earlier some days like you used to?”  That’s direct, clear, and less likely to inspire defensiveness.

Another option is to express what you feel like doing instead of doing it: “I just want to weep when you say that to me because it raises my anxiety level so much.”  By expressing soft emotions like hurt and fear, your partner may respond with caring and concern. It feels like you’re leaving yourself vulnerable when you express loneliness or hurt or disappointment in a gentle way. Try it though, and you’ll usually be met with a gentle compassionate response in return.

To ensure that you and your mate develop that total sense of safety, certain words can’t be allowed, even when they’re I-messages. Threats to leave or saying you don’t love the other person are among the most damaging and hurtful words, and they are very hard to take back later, no matter how much you apologize.