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Excerpt
from The 6 Secrets
of a Lasting Relationship
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"Our sex life is dead," said Jason.
He had been
sitting quietly, barely concealing his impatience, as his wife explained why they had come
to my office for marital counseling. Wendy, a marketing executive at a film studio, had
given me the facts: married six years, two kids, insanely busy lives. She insisted on
therapy because she and Jason had been fighting, and the fights were getting frequent and
ugly. "He's hostile toward me," she said. "He won't communicate. He doesn't
even try to understand me." As Wendy continued, Jason rolled his eyes at what he
later called "women's magazine psychobabble." Then he blurted out his
bottom-line concern: no sex.
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The
6 Pillars of Lasting Love =
How to Create a Solid Foundation
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"To love for the sake
of being loved is human, but to love for the sake of loving is angelic"
.-Alphonse de Lamartine
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Wendy was
obviously annoyed by her husband's remark. "We have a ten-month-old son and a
three-year-old daughter, and busy careers on top of it," she said. "You'd think
he could delay gratification just a little."
Jason's
frustration was palpable. "Delay? You think our chemistry is on hold or something?
It's gone!" He turned to me and said, through gritted teeth, "I know that having
kids changes things. But this really sucks. We used to be a very hot couple."
Looking at them,
there was no reason they shouldn't still be hot. They were in their mid-thirties,
attractive and clearly passionate, just not toward each other at the moment.
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The discussion
quickly deteriorated into tit-for-tat sniping and finger-pointing, with neither spouse
listening to the other. Jason, who did not want to be there in the first place, looked
like he might bolt for the door if he heard the words "communication" or
"feelings" one more time. To get his attention, I had to bring the discussion
back to his reality, and I had to do it in his language, avoiding the
"touchy-feely" terms that turned him off. He was a no-nonsense guy who had
clawed his way up from the streets by single-handedly building a large employment agency.
"It sounds like you have a strong sex drive," I said. "If you're not
getting enough sex with Wendy, you're either cheating or jerking off."
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1: The 6 Pillars of a Lasting Love--How to
CREATE a Solid Foundation |
Chapter 2: Chemistry--Everything you Wanted to Ask
About Sex but Were Afraid to Know |
Chapter 3: Respect--Find Out What it Means to You |
Chapter 4: Enjoyment--Eat Drink and Be Merry |
Chapter 5: Acceptance--You're Okay, I'm Okay |
Chapter 6: Trust--Believing and Being Believed |
Chapter 7: Empathy--Walking a Mile in Your Partner's
Shoes |
Chapter 8: How to Stay in Love--Keeping the 6 Secrets |
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As I'd hoped,
Jason was shocked into paying attention again. He gaped at me, trying to figure out what
to say. Wendy was also shocked. She looked at her husband with fear in her eyes, wondering
why he hadn't contradicted my statement. It was inconceivable to her that a grown man
would be masturbating like a teenager. Could he be having an affair?
Jason extended his
right hand. Pointing to it with his left hand, he said, "Meet my mistress."
He had been
masturbating to porn sites on the Internet. The shame that he felt at admitting this
secret was surpassed only by the relief of finally getting it out in the open.
The monkey that
Jason had thrown off his back now turned into a huge gorilla that filled the room. I
sensed that they were both thinking, "Okay, Doc, you got us into this mess, now get
us out."
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