Is recording your husbands phone calls too much cynicism?
Our culture is filled with stories of predatory women prying away husbands, leaving their unsuspecting wives, broken and depressed. Some wives get revenge by burning their husbands clothes, smashing their cars, or showing-up at a clandestine rendezvous with a knife or gun to end the lives of their cheating husbands and their mistresses.
It all sounds a little hard-core and excessive, but matters of the heart evoke strong feelings, especially in those that have invested so much in a relationship, whether married, in a long-term partnership or other extended relationship. It is also far easier to blame "the other woman" than to look at the relationship that you are in. So how and why do so many people say that their husbands, boyfriends or male partners are stolen away? Is it a cop-out, self-denial or fact?
Insecurities, low self-esteem and other personality deficiencies contribute
We asked the question as to who would blame the other woman for taking their partner, husband or boyfriend and while women strive to be strong, independent and well rounded in North America, this simple excuse still reins supreme when a man strays. The truth about such a comment is indeed related to the individual who more than likely loses the relationship. The vast majority of men don't simply cheat out of some ancient need or impulse. Rather they likely would have already been in a relationship that was in decline. As to who's fault that was, it is irrelevant, since any relationship requires communication, a common effort and interest in supporting and building it.
Ultimately, the man who strays, cheats and leaves was already weak in principal or interest in the relationship. It is unfortunate that the demise of the marriage or relationship happens in such a heart-wrenching way, but the lack of work on relationships that we are already in is the prime reason for this infidelity and betrayal. It is shocking to me that so many people are surprised when a man strays for a short period or forever. Nobody seems to reflect on their own part in the demise of their relationship and this is certainly no excuse for the affronts made by the men in the relationship.
It hurts. It's an insult and it isn't an excuse, but...
I'll be the first to recognize that a difficult marriage or relationship is no reason or crutch to cheat. Relationships are complex. They can be euphoric or painfully sorrow-filled, but the effort to love and be loved is often considered worth the cost. When, on the other hand, we consider the consequences of cheating, straying and leaving a relationship, we actually don't look to the interim partner as the impetus that has created the ultimate insult on a relationship. Yet, when discussing the actual betrayal, the consequences aren't even considered in the barrage of blaming, hate filled diatribe and venom that is ultimately being spewed at the offending husband or boyfriends mistress. Yet, the dialogue should be between the couple, rather than the women that have a man in common. That is where the problem began and that is where it should be finished.
Unfortunately, emotions cloud our judgement, or lack thereof when discussing such a sensitive issue as well as when we are engaged in the activity. There are few issues that make us behave in such a poor way and often nobody thinks about the consequences. Rather it is the immediate desire to punish, free ourselves or a perceived weight or some other excuse that men tell themselves, rather than revisiting the reason why we were with our wives and girlfriends in the first place. While it may hurt, the man who does indeed try to discuss deficiencies, needs, wants or desires in a marriage or relationship, this man should be celebrated. Yet so many who try are put-off, ignored, belittled or otherwise have been insulted which in turn pushes the away and toward not-thinking or worse. It is a two way street and both partners are likely to blame. There is no equality in hurt, but there is also no reason to look outside of a relationship to blame someone for damaging or destroying their relationship. If it was on solid footing, there wouldn't be any reason to be paranoid about your husbands potential infidelity and there certainly won't be any woman to blame.