PassionFile

Have I failed to reach my relationship potential?

It’s been over 10 years since I wrote my first article about being single in my thirties. Since that time, I’ve been married and divorced and have yet to have any children. Some would say that I have failed in my relationship potential and others would simply brush it off as part of my life’s quest or road that will lead me to self-enrichment and fulfillment that is different for every woman.

When I first wrote about being single and in my thirties, I was hopeful and excited about my professional career. While I wasn’t very much concerned about my “fertility clock” it was in the back of my mind. Was it a true concern of mine, or simple part of my feminine endocrine system forcing specific needs on me, I can’t say for sure, but a decade has quickly passed. Now, I find that a marriage that was four years in the making was wrong for me and my now ex-husband, despite my desire to make it work. I am wiser and older and just a little bitter.

A women in her forties has far more prerequisites whether we admit it or not

How could I not be? The promise of a budding career, with a man that I was in love with. It, along with million of others relationships, didn’t last. It was over quickly and since then, I’ve been flirting with relationships, but have mostly been disappointed, perhaps because my own expectations have become so much more specific, with a longer instead of shorter list of prerequisites for any partner or relationship.
It seems that we ladies in our forties get more ingrained in our requirements and at the same time, we’re less compromising and secure in our own careers, circle of friends and relatives. It isn’t that we get “dried up” although our hormones definitely drop off and our libidos fall off too. We just don’t have the patience for games and guys who are still wearing diapers. Show me an intelligent, funny and successful man and I won’t be that interested in his hair, if he has any, or his family.
Some say that I might be bitter, but it isn’t that I’ve missed anything, since I’ve had a full life, with plenty of excitement that includes personal intimacy and relationships that just haven’t become lifelong partners. Our society seems to treat us like we are damaged in some way, yet there are a variety of choices that people make, to have children or not, to have many children or not to get married. Were they conscious, perhaps not, but the outcome has brought me to this place. I generally don’t think about what I’ve missed, rather I think about how fortunate I’ve been to have had the experiences up until this point.
So now, why should I let my single hood get me down and infect all the goodness in my life? I shouldn’t and don’t feel like I have to “cope” with my personal life because I enjoy it. I have nieces and friends with children and even spend some time with them , although I must admit, I’m happy when I’m leaving the children with their parents and returning to my own glass of wine, movies and shopping.

Single in your forties means something is wrong with you, or does it?

When I decided to revisit my single hood and share it with readers, the first comment that everyone makes is about being single. I always used to shut the conversation down because it made me feel inadequate and less of a person. Our society seems to think that being in a relationship is normal and being single is not, especially if you are in your forties. That is changing slowly as more women have entered the workforce and professional women have become common as opposed to when I was in my twenties. I have definitely benefited from that change in our society. Yet, when I travel to less urbanized areas, that stigma still exists, so I tend to make those trips with less regularity.
Do I focus on my appearance, flirt and make an effort to attract a partner? I doubt that I do to any large extent because I have kept myself so busy with work and like anything that I am missing in my life, I only pay attention to what’s missing, a man in my case, when I have little to do. Y’know, downtime, but it happens with some regularity now that the majority of my friends have been married (twice in many cases) and my parents have given up on having grandchildren from me.
It may actually run in my family. I have a number of cousins that are also single and in their forties.  All women, although one who just turned 50 got married this past summer and was in relationships on and off for years. I checked to see if that was something genetic and there was nothing conclusive, but I’ll bet there is something to being single in my family.
Am I coping? I’d say I’m doing far better than that. Would I like to have a partner? Sure, but I’m not sure how I’d handle the sharing, communication and loss of some individuality. Could I be a Cougar, absolutely, but I also know that my need for intelligence combined with personal space wouldn’t allow for some young-buck to win my heart and become my husband. I’ve become very practical too, which isn’t a form of giving-into being alone. I don’t believe that I will be and I know that by being an active, happy person, I will have an opportunity to find a partner and be in a relationship. I don’t know when it will happen and I don’t focus on it because there is so much in life to be involved with that I can’t and likely never will become a stereotypical man hunter. It just isn’t in my nature, or my families. I hope the same for anyone in their forties because there is so much life left to live, with or without a partner.