PassionFile

Perhaps Men and Women Aren't That Different After-all?

Wed, 16 May 2012 02:22:00 GMT

Science, sociology, religion and every other area of study will tell you all about the physiological and mental differences between men and women. it seems almost ridiculous to refute these facts, yet one author insists that the erstwhile differences are just a diversion.

Agustin Fuentes may seem to be a little bit of a radical. His theories may be considered heretical or simply inflammatory for promotional purposes. Yet if you consider some of his arguments, they make some sense, if only on paper only. A major contention that he makes is that our problem as a race, is the focus on what differences we have, as opposed to the similarities. Yet, those differences are in fact what causes so many of the conflicts that ensue between the two genders. However, the vast majority of our traits are equal, which would make sense since we are part of the same species. So do our similarities require a re-thinking or should we be content in our knowledge that our differences are substantial enough to continue studying?

Of gender and environmental influence

The author makes light of some of the true differences in genders, such as men having genitals and women lactating and being able to give birth. These obvious and substantial differences are made to be less important than the fact that our "wiring" is developed and influenced by our environment and culture, rather than the physical differences that we exhibit. Certainly, our societies instill certain male and female oriented attributes and some parents have even taken to raising their children in gender neutral ways to try proving the point. Yet, the wiring that Mr. Fuentes belittles is far more than simply what our parents, friends, the media and other influences try to impart to us. Physiology is indeed a powerful thing. Humans have 11 systems that are each tweaked to influence our roles in maintaining the existence of our species. The male level of testosterone is far higher and the estrogen levels of females is clearly substantially greater and each has a significant affect on the "wiring".

It isn't the differences, rather it is about one not being better than the other

While the author flippantly states; "There is no biological or evolutionary mandate that only women really care for babies and show emotions, or that males are the best at economics and politics and prefer beers and skirt-chasing to domestic bliss." All this is true, but the realities of male physicality, focus on specific tasks and a womans greater level of empathy and ability to think with more complexity while doing more tasks are real differences that cannot be debated away. These differences aren't better or worse, which is the real argument here and not whether we are more similar than we think.

History has shown that people who get mired in similar thinking eventually succumb to stagnation, or worse, in the society that they are part of. By adding alternative processes and unique perspectives, women add the necessary ingredients to support more diversity, which some pundits attribute our longer periods of successful global evolution in areas of hunger management, lowered levels of conflict, increased survival and many other positive developments. In essence, being different, physiologically (because of the chemistry of our bodies) makes these improvements in humanity possible. By relegating women to the home and non-participatory roles as was typical in ancient history and paternalistic, or religiously orthodox countries, humanity remained a backward, angry and conflicted species. Were men and women better off when worship of women in early modern mans history was the rule as opposed to the suggestion? The differences would suggest that this was true, regardless of the obvious similarities.

Female worship celebrated humanity, the differences were accepted

The contention that our societies fool us into believing in the differences between sexes is certainly true in a few instances. However, the uniqueness in each gender is probably what caused such a backlash millenia ago where men, who were stronger, more militant and intent on "conquering" seized an opportunity to effectively persuade, cajole and eventually enslave women with threats and actions that were anathema to women (and many men, such as rape) and in doing this changed the direction of our race and history.

While I may agree that there is a "ton of individual diversity within societies and sexes in regards to how sex and gender play out in behavior and personality", the facts about our physiology, biology (hormones) and other realities can't be theorized away by simply saying "we are born with a biological sex, but acquire gender". Frankly, that statement is poppycock in it's attempt to massage the definition of gender. Regardless of the culture or society we now live in, most recognize that we are part of the same human race and have so many more similarities than differences. Yet it is those differences that should be celebrated as well as managed for the attributes and influences on our society, instead of suggesting that from birth, we are one gender/sex and it is society that influences the differences that are perceived by Mr. Fuentes as being negative.

Are Guys Grosser Than Women? by Lorne Caplan

Mon, 14 May 2012 23:12:00 GMT

After doing a survey for our company, it became abundantly clear that there are so many issues women have with men and vice verse.

What we learned from our surveys was that there were specific issues that did drive women crazy and we put a top 10 list of issues, including a bonus crazy-making habit that men have. Our top 10 list of habits that drive men crazy is following too, but after canvasing my five daughters, their friends and all of the mothers as well, I was urged to include a summary of the reality we're all faced with.

Women are grosser than men

There is a solid case for why women are grosser than men. Sure, men can be crass (hooting and hollering at every women with any semblance of sex-appeal or not), but women have a mean streak and an ability to remember every detail and use it against both men and women. These personality traits, largely developed through the unique hormone structures we both have, influence each one of our specific guy vs. gal habits. Let's start with women's bathrooms. For the better part of my life, I was sure the 'ol pee on the toilet seat/floor issue was pretty gross, but after seeing mean girls (the movie and girls in reality) and hearing the details of what happens during a woman's period and the pads, tampons and other absorbent accoutrements, I was swayed and a little grossed-out myself.

I also watch the hair spray process, along with the make-up, nail polish frenzy of teenagers (not all, I realize that, but the majority) and little of any surface is not defaced by the various colors of the rainbow.

One issue that I've had to personally deal with is the inability of women to use small amounts of toilet paper. This generous patting of the personal area, often leads to clogging of the toilet pipes which I then have to snake or plunge. I assure you, it is no pleasant task.

The shower is no better. I have extracted hair clumps the size of large rats with a variety of other "stuff" trapped in those clumps with the ladies refusing to snake the drains, not to mention put a stainer over the drain to catch the errant hair.

Womens bodily functions are no better than a mans

Beyond the usual complaints about a mans flatulence, belching and general poor hygiene and manners, I was sad to find that there was a myth that all girls and ladies were sweet smelling balls of light feathers, smooth skin and pink cotton. In fact, women can and often do exactly the same thing as men or boys, belching, farting and spitting on the sidewalk with regularity. It appears that this behavior is less about gender than it is about upbringing and etiquette. Unfortunately, our popular culture doesn't so much as frown upon these activities as they prop them up as a sort of counter-culture and independence.

Eating garlic does the same damage to men with poor tolerance as it does to women. However one area that women must suffer through at a far higher percentage than men is when they get constipated and not only during and after child-birth. The unfortunate reality of a woman's digestive tract, makes constipation along with the bloating and gas a very real bi-product of being a woman and as men, we have to deal with it more often than not.

Since we are dealing with issues of the body, women often complain about a mans body odor. He may be a laborer or his testosterone may be working over-time. Unfortunately for the ladies, their contention that they don't sweat doesn't apply anymore, as they certainly do, especially when entering and throughout menopause (I know that's not fair). We can also discuss how the constipation adds to the bad breath that stress, a woman's period and other factors contribute. With the significant drop in smoking, it can't be used as an excuse to blame men as the only culprits of bad breath. Sure sounds lovely doesn't it?

Now women have the capacity to be very charming and elegant when they are alone with a man, but I've heard when they are with their female friends, the dynamic often changes. This was supported by our research where is seems women often initiate similar bodily function games that might even include vaginal fart contests. As a reasonably naive fellow, I was stunned to have heard about this because it changed my perception about that all to important sanctuary, that being the reproductive area of a woman.

Popping the myth about women's hygiene and habits

I don't mean to blow a hole into the myth of genteel ladies in parasols and petticoats, but that reality passed well over a century ago. The same is true for gentlemen and their good services to women, even if they were patronizing and paternal in their demeanor towards women. I reminded myself that many women lament the fact that men aren't as apt to open a door, pull a chair back or other well mannered action. Unfortunately, women in our society are also to blame for this diminished attention to detail because women have gained a great deal more freedom, economic power and confidence, which in turn has flipped the old style of inter-relationship between the genders in North America.

Can men be babies when they are sick? Sure. Can they act like little boys? Yes. Can they blow snot rockets if they choose? Yup! That however seems more likely a bi-product of the culture that they are in, their upbringing and interest in the women they are with. Men who don't clean up their beard shavings are gross, but you can't pin their spitting on the mirror after brushing because women are just as guilty as men when it comes to the residue in the sink after brushing, not to mention shaving their legs and underarms and leaving the fur behind.

Snoring used to be the exclusive territory of men and while more men do snore, it is unfortunately not the exclusive provenance of men anymore. With allergies, fatigue, obesity and other contributing factors, women of the 21st century snore just as loudly as men.

False things are pretty gross too

Men may also forget to clip their toenails, but women have a habit of clipping them everywhere and leaving them everywhere. They use foot scrubbers and leave the skin in conspicuously visible places. This includes finger nails, cuticle skin and shavings from their chipped nail polish, or false nails.

Speaking of "false", I've been noticing false hair pieces that fall out stemming from the recent rush to get hair extensions. We need not even begin to talk about the entire category of waxing (anywhere) along with the ingrown hairs, popping acne pustules and the various anti-aging treatments that build up most women's supplies of skincare, haircare and the side-effect of spills, cleaned-up or not.Shall we even mention the desire to alleviate cellulite and it's appearance. Is it gross? Our society seems to think so whether it is or not and that is almost the exclusive territory of women.

Do men deal with these false appendages as well? In general, no. They certainly try to save their hair in some instances, but overall, there is little shopping or fake nails, hair and the skincare creams and products that are purchased primarily by women (to the tune of 85% to 15%). These things contribute to the overall grossness of women vs. men, but ultimately it is about personal hygiene and it isn't only men who have a problem with this. Cleaning-up hair balls, dust-bunnies (which often turn into dust monsters), spills, food left-overs and the list goes on, aren't the exclusive issue of men.

Plenty of news outlets have tried to cover this issue while forgetting about the realities of our daily lies. Men or women may get grossed out by one another (I won't even get into nocturnal activities and where that leaves some more squeamish people running for the doors) and it isn't Askmen.com or Fox News who can figure it our except for providing sound-bites to build traffic. These news magazines have suggested leaving clothes on the ground, empty food containers and dishes and other minor offenses are things women find irritating, but in no way do they meet the gross-out factor that women seem to have over men. Can boys be more gross than girls? It seems that they can, what with dissecting frogs, throwing insects or worse, but it seems that as women mature, so to does their ability to gross out their competition. In fact, a university of Colorado study in 2008 found that women had more hand bacteria than men. So now that science has proven it, every humorist on the planet is following the lead with captions like "we knew women were yuckier than men!". Not my headline...

Savory Sex-Life: Using food to spice up your intimacy by Lorne Caplan

Sat, 12 May 2012 03:56:00 GMT

You don't have to watch the provocative HBO series “Real Sex” to learn how to add the right kinds of spices and foods to your diet. You can also be more in tune with reality and not like Chris Matthews of CNBC, who said it's “weird” when husbands cook dinner.

A commentator said about Mr. Matthews out of touch comment, that it seemed like it was 1952 again and he would be right! We don't have to remind anyone that only over the last 15 years have culinary schools (and with the rise of reality television and food programming) raised the number of women chef's to almost parity with men. So how someone can male a comment about men being out of touch with the kitchen, is beyond me. However, if you were to consider that men are at a great disadvantage when preparing for romance, intimacy and passion, then you could understand where an older minded person like Mr. Matthews is coming from. This is likely why so many people still expect that men either don't know how to cook, or don't want to cook for themselves or their families, when it couldn't be further from the truth.

This perception is unfortunately, not so far from the truth since our divorce rate suggests that the lack of participation in the kitchen is a daily blow to our relationships. The ignorance about food in general, despite many husbands being viewers of the Food Network and it's many copy-cats, is still shocking and Chris Matthews is the standout example of why our relationships in this country are under so much stress and threat. Suffice it for me to say that I wouldn't want to be married to Chris Matthews who I assume takes this archaic attitude into (maybe not only) the bedroom as well.

I gave his wife Kathleen some sage advice along the lines that everyone has the right to be happy in the kitchen as well as with intimacy, whether it is exclusively in the bedroom or all around the house. The dichotomy between making-love (if you are in love) and enjoying food to spice up your life are so closely matched that one cannot go without the other. If you don't enjoy food, then it is likely that you won't enjoy sex. They have similar and intertwined activating senses in smell, taste, touch, sight and feel. All of our senses get going when we are either about to eat or have sex. Our mind goes into overdrive and our hormones start being excreted at higher levels to generate even more excitement. Do you see the self-fulfilling prophecy? The more we enjoy what we are eating, the more our senses are heightened. The more we anticipate and get involved in intimacy, the more we ourselves get excited. It's a wonderful and circuitous process and we should all take advantage of it because as humans, we can!

"Ask a Grown Man" Series: Celebrities Answering "Girly" Questions

Thu, 10 May 2012 21:45:00 GMT

Whenever you get a bunch of humorous celebrities together, you expect to get more than just a couple of chuckles. Why do we expect to hear something insightful and deep from these people? Perhaps because they are actors and can deliver a more direct and raw sense of what our popular culture suffers from.

It isn't just Paul Rudd, but more hunky actors like Jon Hamm of Mad men fame that also delivers advice to young teens for the online magazine "Rookie". It seems that these men are chosen not just for one of the more admired attributes of of men, that of being funny, but also for being honest and smart. Mr. Hamm's recent addition to the "Ask a Grown Man" video series saw him dispense advice and counsel for teenagers that are dating. His version of the videolog has been seen over 200,000 times to date.

These celebrities aren't therapists. They aren't perfect. They often make serious mistakes when it comes to relationships, but they are human and seem to be able to capture the attention of non-actors and certainly their fans. It isn't sage advice, but everyday common advice that you might get from your dad or close guy friend. Questions about style, whether you should never fart in front of your boyfriend or other earth-shattering issues are addressed with a tongue in cheek attitude. Comments like "use your best judgement", or "seek the expertise of someone who is more qualified" are in many of the videologs, but overall, the exercise is a thoughtful and useful one that we hope provides some subtle nudging for young women who are overwhelmed by the emotions and feelings that they are going through in their young lives.

We all remember how difficult if was going through middle school and high school. It wasn't easy, even if you were the most popular and most beautiful. Bullying which has come to the forefront in our society over the last decade as well as sexuality and other important issues are constantly being brought-up as issues our young women are supposed to be expert on and considering in their daily lives. We know, however, that the many other issues of puberty and teenage life, take precedence for the vast majority of young women and an initiative like the "Ask Grown Men" series is a good option to deliver stable, thoughtful and supportive advice in a short clip of answering five questions per celebrity.

BJ Novak answered questions about why boys act cocky around chicks. He is plain and frank and calls guys like this as either nervous, or "dicks". You don't need a psychotherapist to tell you that. Mr. Novak is not a cool guy and can easily be seen as a dorky high school kid. He is also asked about sending kisses back and forth via texts. He simply says, move on from the three month delay toward more direct communication. Counting the number of kisses, how many "o"'s are included in "x"'s. The questions suggest someone is over compensating for their weaknesses. The bottom line is communication, which he doesn't suggest that his questioner should do. He also says as I guy who has been told "I don't like you in that way", don't be too up front. If he asks you out. Just be honest and say no if he asks you out. If he can't be friends with you over time, then he won't. Just be nice. Although, I wouldn't agree with Mr. Novak. Being straight-froward, honest and considerate is the best strategy. Another girl is concerned that her looks are average and that she won't be someone that any guys will be interested in. Here Mr. Novak brings up that "looks" are more about the entire package. Your likes and dislikes, your personal interests and he uses the word "confidence" that is truly the most important aspect of how a person looks and confidence is the most attractive attribute that anyone has. If that special guy looks only at blond, blue eyed, large breasted girls, don't focus on him if you aren't that person. "You're gonna be great, Kelsy" is his parting comment, which is after-all honest, positive and straightforward.

These questions come from all over the world and the interesting thing is that the questions come from all over the world. For instance, Mr. Rudd is asked why boys are so fascinated by breasts? He simply says it may be that men don't have them. Or that they provide sustenance for us or that they are simply fun to look at. Not prescient responses, but in-line with the population he's talking to. Moving from that question filled with landmines, he follows-up with the question "when boys become men". All you have to do is add all of your punchlines here and Mr. Rudd skips that question after skating a little-bit. Some girls ask about matching underwear, or should they change the way they dress to satisfy a boy and short of smirking and saying, "uh, no" the responses are affirming, but honest here too.

Ultimately the advice is that real people are messy and that the teen years are intense this from Damian Kulash. His comment that the best people make the worst mistakes, like falling in love with a fantasy (a rocker). Girls needing to develop a thicker skin but speak out about guys being cool, and obnoxious to girls. They need to learn, but it'll be difficult not to heart their feelings. They may roll their eyes, but too bad.

Hannibal Buress, a supposed comedian and television writer unfortunately shows the girls listening to the feature that boys and men are just big babies when he plays with the special effects features. Was he a bad choice and did anyone even listen to this big ego? I hope not! Real questions like "how do you get a guy to like you?", or "how can I stop acting crazy?" were belittled and made fun of. A true professional, especially one in comedy, can add levity and humor without making fun of the audience and a fool out of himself. Every answer he gave was "just try to walk up to him and said something... ". Mr. Buress, stick to your "do it" and don't try to counsel anyone, not to mention teenage girls!. "We all die one day and it won't matter in the long run" is another bit of sage advice from this block-head. This is the danger when listening to grown men trying to sound intelligent and thoughtful, especially when Buress suggested one questioner should start doing crack to stop a guy from doing drugs and drinking. I just had to shake my head and ask who screens out the "grown men" that dispense opinions on this series.

How Important is it to Have a Soulmate?

Thu, 10 May 2012 02:13:00 GMT

We hear it all the time. Women searching for their soul-mates. Men hoping to find a soul-mate in their relationship. What does it mean and is it realistic or even important?

Some definitions suggest it is an immediate connection (Urban Dictionary) while others recognize that just the suggestion that it may be a soul that is involved (whether you believe in that or not) requires far more time and development than eye contact or a quick hello. Describing it as having a deep affinity for someone along with intimacy, sex, spirituality or compatibility seems to miss the essence of what both men and women feel it to be.

You don't need to be religious to believe in a soul-mate

Many world religions consider that there is indeed a form of connection between certain people. Certainly in Indian culture, Karma and Shakra are two themes that suggest there is more at work than simply chance meetings and the development of something special. Often times we are led to believe that the alchemy of each person when mixed together produces something special and deep and that is what some call having a soul-mate relationship. In the Jewish religion, it is often said that a person was "Beshert" or destined to be with their match. In that case you have to have some faith and religious observance, even though in many cases it is often just a cultural expression, which is true for other religions.

Despite a religious and faith connotation, others consider that it is just chance and that there is no role in it being per-ordained. Each person may not even have anything in common. They may differ politically, religiously and in many other respects. In fact, this kind of hopeful thinking is often also called infatuation or falling in lust. It is often very easy to misstate or mus-identify an emotional feeling or desperate desire to have that elusive soul-mate as your partner.

Needless to say, there are plenty of organizations that will exploit this desire and belief by telling potential members (paying up to $40 a month in fees) that "God has your match!" or some other sales trademark, because folks, that is exactly what it is. You don't need to use the internet if God has a specific match for you and you should certainly ask who's making money on that pitch? No doubt, the emotions tied to dating, romance, passion and intimacy are fraught with naivete and the potential for being taken advantage of.

Characteristics of a soul-mate

In a variety of surveys, it was determined that atheists as well as observant people believe in a soul-mate with various interpretations. Ultimately, it isn't some unknown or unseeing power that is in control of obtaining a soul-mate. It first starts with letting it happen. As with any relationship, when it is forced, or interpreted as something that it isn't, it won't be a true well supported relationship. A base that is solid and that can withstand controversy and consequences (that weaker relationships based on faulty or non-fundamental relationship characteristics) will come out stronger and more supportive. That is a key quality of any strong relationship, in that it can withstand difficulties. So why am I talking about qualities and the ability to overcome difficult situations or issues like financial, sexual, family, child, environmental or other issues? Precisely because that is what being a soul-mate is all about.

Rather than fighting with each-other about these typical relationship issues, being a soul-mate allows people to trust in their partner. It gives each person a certain insight into what they can do or can't and that is what builds a solid foundation and strength that instills confidence, which is both attractive and an essential element in overcoming adversity that others start to bicker about and descend into relationship madness. Is there a secret recipe, or a sign that someone can read from someone else that will suggest that person is the soul-mate? Frankly, these signs are no different than those characteristics that make-up an ideal candidate for a husband, wife or partner.

There is no secret to finding a soul-mate

Our North American culture is always looking for a quick easy solution. If we are looking to stay young, we expect a pill to solve all of our aging needs. If we are looking for love, we look to some expert to give us a quick and easy formula. It never works like that and is often about being rational and sensible, which are two characteristics that we rarely can exhibit when dealing with matters of the heart.

The problem is both a mental and a physical one that interrupts any ability to be rational. Our hormones start to come into play and we begin to crave the feel good hormones that lust, love, romance and all related emotions of intimacy and relationships promote. It's a difficult dance that we play when dealing with our emotions and the subsequent change in our hormones. Therein lies any clue in how we find a soul-mate.

The essential reality is that we can't, as humans, interpret very many feelings that we may have when initially meeting someone. The novelty, anticipation and uniqueness of any new meeting, precludes us from our ability to think rationally. We may jump to the conclusion that some or all of these feelings are in fact those that someone feels when they are with a soul-mate. We'd be wrong. We have to let some time pass before we can put a label on our partner. We have to be patient and consider the deeper emotional connections and things that we have in common with that person. We need to recognize that it is the things that we have in common with that person that will build the foundation and extra-sensory perception (ESP) that is often called soul-mate.

An essential component is when you really know what your partner is thinking

Do we really have ESP when we are in a relationship with our soul-mate? Well, no, not really. What we know is that it is a perception and familiarity with that person that only time together and paying attention to details will create. It doesn't happen out of the blue. The ability to know what your partner is thinking is an extraordinary ability. It happens when you call your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend just when they are going to call you. It is a perfect gift that you buy for your partner. I mean a recognition that it is perfect, something they really, really need or want. Television shows have been created around "The Mentalist" or around characters like "House" that know intuitively how and why people are thinking, their histories and how they act. Not dissimilar from ESP, a soul-mate thinks just like these characters about you. It seems supernatural. You get a call when you were thinking about them. You bring home food, just what they wanted. The list goes on, but that is what a true soul-mate is and they are your best friend.

Is a soul-mate your best friend too?

Some elements beyond ESP are also present in any relationship that are considered to have soul-mates. One key is the ability to be best friends. That doesn't mean that you do everything with each other, all the time. It doesn't mean you agree with everything the other person believes in, says does or thinks. A best friend is someone who understands you. Enjoy s some of the same things that you do, but also gives you your space when you need it. You may argue. You may even fight with each other. Emotions are good things, especially when you make-up with each other. I don't mean irrational, frothing at the mouth emotions. I mean passion. Commitment and engagement.

When you combine the comfort, familiarity and anticipation with that element of friendship, comradery and ease, the term soul-mate makes more sense. Nothing religious. It may feel ethereal but it is nothing directed by some unknown power, just a unique combination of personal characteristics with time, familiarity and a genuine like of that other person. Oh and let's not forget about that hormone altering thing called sexual desire. The chemistry that we feel for that person in all those other areas are also necessary in that department as well.

The 99 percent Want Romance Too! by Lorne Caplan

Mon, 07 May 2012 20:10:00 GMT

You don't have to spend thousands to enjoy a romantic excursion

I always find it fascinating how the vast majority of romantic lists, whether they are for travel, dining, gifts or intimacy on any level, always seem to expect that the reader or viewer is loaded with money.

Yahoo! Travel recently published a list that included secluded and tucked away places like in Machu Picchu or The Gower Peninsula in Wales, United Kingdom or Stanley Safari Lodge, Victoria Falls Zambia.

While some of the selections were more local like Cape Breton Island in Nova Scotia, Canada, the vast majority of these romance lists or best of romance lists seem always to include spots that the vast majority of people can only dream of visiting, not to mention afford. That is why I constantly pound the table about local romantic landmarks, locations, restaurants and other spots that the 99% of people in the United States and other countries can and should take advantage of.

A little effort and fore-thought can make all the difference

While we know that romance that turns to love and a relationship can be very expensive, it can and should also be reasonable with just a little bit of thought. You can take a 30 minute trip into a wooded area or nature preserve close to any major metropolitan city without the thousands of dollars of cost and hassles involved with flying. I'm not suggesting that nobody should to to Machu Picchu for a romantic vacation, but is it really "romantic" to prepare for the flight with packing, making arrangements, then getting to the airport with the inevitable issues of cost for bags, delays, weather, possible inoculations (especially for Africa and other remote locations), arriving after hours on a stale aired plane, getting a transfer to the hotel, getting comfortable in the hotel, perhaps taking a nap from jet-lag... shall I go on? Romantic, no? Perhaps an exciting excursion costing over $10,000 for a week, absolutely!

So now that we can back away from the reality of a romantic vacation to Zambia, I would suggest that within each local, anyone can find the very same things that lists such as these, especially those remote spa lists like from sites like About.com touting The Mandarin Oriental in New York city as romantic also seem to miss the mark because the cost factor seems to be the only initial factor being considered. Why does it always seem that we are feeding into the gold-digger mentality, when the more politically correct and sensible among us also suggest that we instill proper morals and attitudes about money into our children, co-workers and others within our circles of influence? We can certainly aspire to spend thousands on a couple of days for romance, but I like to think that you can get similar or better experiences, with some costing not a penny!

You should consider if they expect you to spend a fortune on anything romantic

Giving gifts and making an effort to limit your spending is often considered cheap and embarrassing. Yet, when you can buy the same ring or other jewelry for 1/4 the cost of the retail version with just a little extra effort, who should be embarrassed? You for paying the exorbitant retail price, or the retailers, manufacturer or some poor sucker that actually pays the sticker price for something that isn't so rare, unique or extraordinary to warrant such a mark-up or price? You know the answer and that is why you should explore a series of options in your general area to make that date, evening or getaway memorable, romantic and cost-effective. If you have a spouse, girlfriend or partner that loves you and wants to be with you and appreciates your effort and thought, then cost shouldn't be an issue. For that 1% where showing everyone where you went and how much you spent is important, then I feel sorry for you to feel you are in that position, including all the celebrities that feel the need to flaunt their wealth in front of the tabloids for the general population to consume (that would be you Ms. Kardashian).

Last minute gifts and travel always cost more

Of course, I can't completely help those people (I'm speaking to you men who procrastinate, especially on dates like Mother's Day) who are so wrapped-up in their daily life that they wait until the last minute to deal with these issues. I myself was frequently guilty of this "last minute Marvin" habit that I had and was often unable to do or get the thing I wanted for the women in my life. Nobody to blame but myself. So yes, some planning should go into your effort as well, but even those who wait until the last minute don't have to break the bank to be a hero at any occasion or special event toward your partner. You should consider the following short-cuts to making a romantic escape successful at a fraction of the price of what sites like Travel and Leisure would suggest like Ecole de Cuisine Alain Ducasse in Paris! Really?!

10 things to consider before you make a romantic get-away plan

1) Establish your budget for the escape

2) How much time will the two of you have to be with each other without interruption from work, kids and other responsibilities. If you can't get a week out of it, just two days will do the trick and nobody is that busy, or important to not have two days to establish a reconnection, or just build on that relationship.

3) Make a quick list of likes and dislikes that your partner has, like cold weather, language, urban vs. rural and a myriad of other details that you may wish to include. Some folks even find a quiet stroll in a beautifully adorned cemetery romantic, so do your homework!

4) Can you get there by car, bike or walk? It's always a good idea to consider one of the major costs of getting there and dispensing with that right away (a picnic in the park and a bike ride can be very romantic).

5) Will food be involved? If it is a quick meal, I suggest making it yourself in your kitchen or in a kitchen that a friend or family member will lend you so that you can make the big splash you want. You'd be surprised at how happy people will be to lend you there kitchen and dining room to make a romantic impression on your partner or spouse.

6) Accoutrements which would include flowers, gifts, personal creations for under $20, should be provided at or during the romantic getaway, just to show that you really did put a great deal of thought into it. You'll be grinning from ear-to ear at his/her satisfaction.

7) If fancy attire is something that can bring on the mood for you and your special someone and you don't often dress-up, then make the effort. If it isn't something that is important to you, then plan accordingly.

8) Consider environmental factors, even if the special date or event is way out (like hurricane season in the Caribbean) you should consider if rain will dampen the outdoor picnic that you are considering.

9) Make the arrangements necessary to be as focused on your spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend or partner as possible. That means as few distractions as possible. Part of what makes and trip romantic, is the attention and focus you place on that special someone without pulling-out your phone to text or otherwise steal away to deal with lawyers, money matters or other irritation that those who are less monied might have. Even bill-collectors will back-off for a couple of days if you tell them you are making an effort to spend some time to save your marriage. If they don't, you can officially get them to leave you alone by making a call to their supervisor about how they attempted to screw up your romantic get-away, no matter how frugal. That is an absolute no-no!

10) Health issues should also be considered. You don't want that to get in the way of a romantic get-away, no matter how close to home it is. Pills, inhalers, allergies and other considerations should be taken when planning the trip. The fewer the potential pit-falls, the better and more relaxed you both will be.

Planning a romantic trip, vacation or get-away is itself very romantic

While there may be many other details to consider before taking off to that special romantic destination, whether by foot, by car, train or other transportation, the fewer intrusions the better off and more successful you'll be. By considering the 10 categories I listed above, you will have established an immediate calm with significant preparation, even if you barely did anything. This is one of the things that both men and women (women especially) appreciate and when someone shows that they are in control and confident it is very sexy and that is definitely how you want to start your excursion, whether you have money, or not!

Remember The Excitement of Your First Kiss by Lorne Caplan

Sat, 05 May 2012 03:48:00 GMT

Young love brings our own relationship back into perspective

I didn't know what to do. How to react, so I just sat in the car with my eyes wide open like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. I may be a dad of five girls, but this was the first time I was privy to a milestone so important that I was just a fixture that nobody even noticed.

This was my first example of what a young teen "hook-up" really meant. My 18 year old daughter has already moved beyond her first kiss, to my chagrin, but the 14 year old was just moving through that period. No, it wasn't my 14 year old girl that had her first kiss while I was sitting in the car waiting to take her back home at 10:30PM at night. It was her friend. I was already flustered because the planned pick-up was moved a few blocks away and this dad has limited patience for not knowing where my daughters are. That very quickly faded when my daughter and her friend were running up to the car as if they were being chased by a vampire. Screaming and yelling, they spoke in-between pants for breath. I caught them yelling about their other friend, who was also being picked-up. Apparently, it was her first kiss.

Now, this was not a time for a lecture on STD's or how boys don't care about girls feelings or anything else. I was privy to one of my daughters friends life defining moments. I heard my wife's voice in my head... it was saying "SHUT-UP!" This was my daughter Jessica's moment, despite my daughter and her other friends shrieking and carrying on as if they had won millions of dollars. My mind was racing for the right things to say, or how I should respond. I simply said nothing and said thank you to my wife in my head. I was definitely an outsider despite driving the car. When the girls started texting their other friends of this monumental occasion, I said congratulations sincerely and Jessica said thank you.

Clarifications are in order. I also didn't know that "hooking-up" at 14 meant kissing a boy and at 18, I knew damn well what it meant. I was trying very hard to remember when I had my first kiss, how it felt and what I did, but I knew it wasn't the same reaction as the girls now sitting, huffing and puffing in my car, shrieking, high fiving, despite my telling them to keep it down because the boy likely will hear the celebration. He had heard it before when the two girls ran to my car, rolled down the window whooping it up.

Young boys are all dorks, it's their male role models that translate the cool to them

I did remember that most boys of this age and the teenage years generally celebrated with a cool machismo, no matter how dorky they were. They often blew things out of proportion and didn't know how to keep their young mouths closed long enough to actually start a decent relationship with the girl they kissed. This young man, (no, I didn't meet him and I didn't ask Jessica how he "was". the others girls asked that question before Jessica even got into the car) apparently was suave enough to ask Jessica if it was her first "time" and she said yes. His response, to his credit; "I'm honored", so I guess he read at least part of the book or he's got some cool in him. I did remember that young boys weren't at all born with cool and had to develop it, mostly seeded by their fathers and other adult male role models.

Law of Attraction: Scam or Living a Guru's life by Lorne Caplan

Fri, 04 May 2012 03:00:00 GMT

The story of James Ray, a motivational speaker, where people have gotten hurt and killed, most recently three in a sweat lodge, still sees people following the law of attraction.

People endlessly search for something. The notion is that you believe enough and stay with a program, any program, you'll reach the epiphany that you wanted. Self-help leaders typically preach

Pet-names and Terms of Endearment: Funny, Sweet and Sexy by Lorne Caplan

Fri, 04 May 2012 23:28:00 GMT

You may be compared to poo, but it's said with love!

When your wife compares you to feces, just smile and say I love you. Yup, that's what she calls me. Doodie. Or Doodoo, or better yet, Poopie. No reason to get angry. Instead get happy since these pet-names are said with love and affection.

Yes, the names that people use to bring themselves closer to their partner range from human excrement to a variety of television characters special terms like "Schmoopy" from Seinfeld. Actually, in episode 116 of that show, Seinfeld makes many references to stupid terms of endearment with his stand in girlfriend Susan. It is one of many popular culture examples of how ingrained these created terms have become. Long-gone are the days when couples exclusively referred to each-other as "dear", "honey", "darling" or some other tame term. As with most things, our relationships became more international (influenced by other cultures) and modern if you like. So while the nuclear family of the 50's and 60's would be reflected in the television shows of the day, it would take another generation or more for some of the more aggressive terms from The Lucy Show and The Honeymooners to be morphed into what we have today, a wide and varied selection of made-up terms that bring us closer, or identify our partners to us.

It isn't always a complement and yet, relationships put-up with insults everyday

While most couples are lucky with their wink and a nod to their partner, some find out later that the terms aren't exactly sentimental and meant to draw each other closer. While they should reflect our love or affection for that person, often, it masks a deep seated irritation and some people are very good at masking their true feelings. The comment should match the facial expressions and tone. Humans are quite good at picking-up subtleties in speech, for the most part. However, when one partner is in love and the other isn't, we can be blinded and it is very difficult to recognize the difference when we are caught in this synthetic feeling. It's synthetic, because our hormones make them that way. We can't think straight because we are filled with happy hormones, which also affects our ability to hear what someone is saying, no matter how back-handed the comments might be like "yeah, snookie" or some other reference to a less than appealing character or celebrity.

The evolution of these terms has been sedate since Ancient Greece

It is claimed that the word "honey" was used as a term of endearment as far back as in ancient Greece and while literature and other recorded history has referenced intimacy between couples, the weight of religion on what romance existed for the better part of modern human history precludes the diversity of names, tones and inferences that people use to either calm, cajole or entice their partner by using a name that might help them meet their needs.

As relationships and the caustic nature of divorce has spread in North America, the media has increased the influence of using these pet-names, whether melodically, in passing, as a form of communication or other less touching and relationship building forms. It has been suggested that our rushed and harried lifestyle now doesn't benefit from what used to be considered loving and sensitive attempts to support a relationship. Everyone from feminists in the 1970's and later to more orthodox institutions have suggested that these often quick references to our partners and spouses have even been invaded by the devil and are undermining the very fabric of unions.

Without getting carried away, calling your partner or someone you're dating "pumpkin" is certainly not evoking the name and desire to attract the devil or worse... the government! There are so many variations today of what people call eachother besides vegetables and fruit. Each language and culture has their own basic set of these terms and the French, for example are very well know for calling those they feel affectionate for as "my little piggy". it sounds better in French, trust me!

Don't let the naysayers and romance killers get in the way of these fun, flirtatious traditions that have ballooned in the latter part of the 20th century. Play with the words and laugh about the things that you are called, whether it is poo or not. Just keep in mind that the words used are likely to reflect the stage and condition of your relationship. So if my wife called me "big shitter", my ears would pick-up the difference immediately to "Doodie" and I might want to slow the conversation down and have a shat about that particular reference. Oh and if you don't like being called "Doodie", just let her know, since I'm sure she wouldn't want to be called "Pooper", at least not in public!

Do Couples Regret Having Children and Should Childless Couples Be Scorned or Celebrated? by Lorne Caplan

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:58:00 GMT

Why do we have children when we fall in love?

Why do we have children? Often, it is purely for selfish reasons. It may be the desire to continue the family name and for some people, to try to positively change a bland or failing marriage. In many cases, the desire to have a family is part of the initial appeal of getting married. There are a minority, the number is put at roughly 15% of couples, that don't want children and it is also suggested that it is often the men in the relationship that are the ones to make it clear they don't want children.

In our society, it is expected that a young married couple would follow their nuptials with an announcement that they are about to have a child, just as family and friends expect to hear when an engaged couple are going to get married. There is no time to waste, it seems, yet those who don't want kids are considered for some reason, abnormal. As if to suggest, wanting to live your life with your partner without the responsibility of children, isn't quite right.

If you are more pious and devout, you'll likely have far more children

The developed world has a child birth rate of just over two per couple which doesn't consider the new age households which in the last quarter century now has over 30% of children living in a single mother family. These numbers are always changing, but while the number of single women having children in North America seems to be dropping after the most recent census, those in more orthodox families are making up for the difference with families having more than four children on average.

Another category of married child seeking parents are those that for some reason can't have children and seek out the help of fertility clinics going through months if not years of sometimes brutal medical procedures including mental and physical hardship. That would preclude a strong desire to have children to the point that some people are perfectly willing to give-up their bodies, not to mention their relationships with their significant other. Is this then, our maternal and paternal drive that is dictating such an irrational behavior for our own survival? Or is it in fact perfectly logical to sacrifice our own minds and bodies for the ability to procreate?

This discussion has been ongoing since modern humans have recognized the value of having children. Meaning, that children can be put to work and help provide for the family in a variety of ways, in the form of trade, dowry, building ones own farmland or some other mercenary endeavor. We as modern humans, shouldn't take for granted that the nuclear family that developed post WWII is anything but unusual for the last five millennium and should instead understand that the control and power of religion often dictated family life including having children.

We aren't so constrained in most countries nowadays, although family planning is still a hot button even in this country. Yet beyond lamenting the fact that you can't have kids, or women finding babies cute (yes some men too), despite the pooh smell,the fact that "sleeping like a baby" is a misnomer because babies don't sleep, one would think this issue of having children should be a very personal one and not open for interpretation by the wider society.

Approximately 50% of children question their parents decision to have them.

It seems, rather, that we as potential father's and mother's do as much family planning as we do marriage planning and if we consider that over 50% of relationships fail after marriage, the number shouldn't surprise that over 50% of children also feel that their parents failed as well. Are these offspring (which we were at one time as well) ungrateful, selfish and narcissistic? Some indeed are in this celebrity driven, new age parenting environment where children are taking their parents to court for liberation (just look at the Geneva convention on child rights and you will be overwhelmed by the volumes of doctrine allocated for this one topic), but others are simply stating the fact. Parents are not equipped in this modern era, to deal with the time, money and emotional commitment children should have, whether we have money or not.

Beyond the numerous contentious areas of discussion I have touched on above, the simple question remains; Why are people maligned for not wanting to have children? It would appear that in part, it is because they are not part of the mainstream. In addition, those who make the tough choices are also looked upon with a certain amount of envy and jealousy as others see their single lives quickly disintegrate into mommy dates, daddy park visits, throw-up, arguments on how to raise the child, school choices, conflict with siblings and friends, in-law fights and the list can go on for pages. Without children, the focus remains on the relationship at hand. Between two adults. You can travel when you like, build wealth and dispense it as you wish on each other or yourself, spend time with family and friends and even enjoy your nieces and nephews. It seems like such a benign and non-sacrificing existence. Yet these, some would say selfish, people are the ones who are looked at suspiciously, when in fact, those with children are the ones who could be labelled with the same brush as childless couples.

The potential joys of parenting balanced against the joys of your partner

We won't discuss the potential joys of parenting that I myself felt when falling in love with my daughters from 3-6 years of age. They were so yummy and cute. Despite the fact that they could grow up and hate you or don't call, continue to demand any number of things no matter how idiotic they may seem, it becomes a matter of faith, which in turn is like religious faith. We have faith in the institution of parenting. Faith that the children will turn out alright, happy, well adjusted and able to socialize. We hope they will love us and understand that we aren't perfect among so many other hopes. While my childless friends build their businesses, enjoy the company of their spouses and partners without even a lick of guilt or pressure which they have overcome during the first couple of decades of marriage. They may harbor some feelings and emotions which is quite normal, but while I felt the need to question their decisions when I was a newly-wed, after 15 years of parenting in a dysfunctional divorced situation and hearing from and seeing hundreds of similar situations with anger and animosity so prevalent with the children and between the parents and the children, I'm now ready to admit that not having children is a viable option. Not for everyone, but if an analysis is done regarding cost of having children, happiness of the couple considering conceiving them and the greater social ills of our culture, well then, I have to say, I respect their decision now more than ever.

Top 10 Dating Deal-breakers by Lorne Caplan

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 21:51:00 GMT

Dating deal-breakers stop a relationship cold: Are they consistent or individual?

Some people are concerned with relationship deal-breakers, but that would assume you have already dated and accepted some of the flaws however serious at least for the time being. With a divorce rate that is over 50% and a level of unhappiness with over 50% of those couples still together, it would appear that people don't listen to their own personal needs and wants when considering whether to spend significant time with one person.

We also tend to malign those people who may be well into their middle ages and continue to have a long list of requirements for any partner or potential spouse. Certainly some of the shallow and more mundane issues like; " I don't like the way they style their hair" are absolutely missing the point. In this list, you'll notice that not one issue deals with appearance and that is from the benefit of thousands of clients and individual surveys that have gone way beyond simple stuff, considering instead the attributes that make for a healthy, supportive relationship from the get go. That doesn't mean to say you can't consider certain "looks" as a deal-breaker, it just means that a certain maturity and sensibility has crept into your life. Which is always a good thing if you keep your humor (if you had any to begin with), creativity and imagination, which most grown-ups lose on their way to becoming angry, cranky, cynical older people. Consider this list and add your own deal-breakers as we add to the annual 100 deal-breakers for dating.

Dating Deal-Breakers

1) Poor dental hygiene. Bad breath, bad teeth. Just think Englishmen in the 19th century (and 20th too! Just a joke after-all!).

2) Body odor. Scent is a key to any relationship and if I don't like their smell and worse, can't stand it, there won't be a relationship.

3) Homeless person sense of style. I've been involved in one way or another in fashion and if a person can't take rudimentary care of themselves to be presentable, then I won't be interested in building anything with them.

4) If they curse continually, it shows me they have no consideration for anyone else. Not interested in hanging out with a roughneck like that

5) People with very, very strong opinions about religion, politics or imposing their morality on me. Everyone is free to their own opinion, but please don't try to proselytize me into your corner. I enjoy discussions, but not when they are unmoving and imposing like most extreme organizations.

6) When women or men are more interested in caring about their pets than humans. To me that sounds like they are out of touch and I don't want to be number two to a animal.

7) Ah family, especially mothers. I understand friends and relationships being important, but when mommy or daddy are always around and guiding a person who is an adult, let me out of that since I will surely be married to the parents and that isn't what I'm bargaining for.

8) If that person can't relax. Hyper emotional, always moving and having to be out or doing something. I like to relax sometimes, read a book occasionally.

9) Always late and full of excuses, work, friends, shower, slept in, you name it. If I'm not important enough, then I'll never rate in the relationship.

10) If they are very possessive, controlling and look likely to be jealous. If there isn't a hint of trust from the get go, then what can you build your relationship on.

11) Rude, mean, negative or bitchy (asshole/prick for a man) disposition is a real turn off. I hear it on the news all day long anyways.

Dating deal-breakers shouldn't simply be shallow, physical related issues

I tried to give you a top 10, but there were so many others that were considered, without making a person un-dateable. If you've learned that everyone has some beauty about them and most importantly it is the emotional and non-physical aspects that build a relationship, as opposed to lust and sex only, then you're well on your way to beginning a successful relationship search. Physical issues can be considered after the first date goes well. After-all, research says most people can tell if they like someone after only the first 45 seconds or so!

What not To Talk About On Your First Date by Lorne Caplan

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 14:55:00 GMT

Strange sex stories is an understatement

When you have a moment and check out strange sex or any number of other sexuality related shows and you'll see people make the poorest choices when going out on dates.

On the 10 "best" sex stories of 2011, the program happened to have two men that each had a unique situation and couldn't seem to keep their secret in their pants, pun intended. Psychologists and sociologists were recruited to summarize some of the special cases and while most of us inherently know the basic things to not talk about, politics, religion and certainly sex on a first date, these fellows socially inept style just couldn't hide their secrets for one date.

Don't discuss your post traumatic orgasm disorder with your first date

So what is so unusual that you need not discuss it on your first date? The first fellow apparently had a rare condition that caused him to have serious anxiety and stress after having an orgasm. While most physicians don't consider this condition to be real, it does indeed exist and this poor fellow, felt compelled enough to remove his testicles in order to not suffer the emotional trauma that occurred after each intimate success. The program followed him on his first date after his recovery and besides having the personality of a wet bag of sand, he felt compelled to tell his unsuspecting date that he had his testicles removed because of his rare emotional condition. Was this done primarily for the television show? I certainly hope so since I can't for the life of me imagine anyone becoming romantically involved with this poor fellow with or without testicles.

At 13.5 inches, this fellow had little luck in love

The second shocker was how God endowed this less than interesting supposed actor of New York city with the largest recorded penis in the world. Measuring 9 inches flaccid and over 13.5 inches erect, he noted that his daily routine doesn't even consider the manhood that he has. A psychologist came on to discuss that there is in fact a disassociation between the size of a mans penis and his confidence. So bigger isn't always better as we know from our various surveys of women's opinions. Once again, we are faced with a fellow who's personality is as bland as raw turnip, he felt the need to discuss the size of his penis on a blind date. To be fair, the young woman brought it up almost immediately and he seemed a little peeved about the conversation, but he just went with it and while they still talk by email, they haven't gone out on another date. In short, (pun intended) you may have the hardware, but if you don't know how to use it, or even moderately entice someone, then all the hardware in the world won't make a difference.

We can be shocked, stunned or double over in laughter

What is most shocking is the ease with which these fellows and so many others choose to discuss the most ridiculous topics, that may be extremely personal or inappropriate on blind or first dates. It is partly due to their socialization among many other reasons and our hope is that we can all learn from these people's absolute dating failures and succeed in our own efforts. Whether we are shocked, horrified or break down into uncontrolled laughter, the shame of it all is that these men and those like them aren't aware of how their shunted social skills reduce their ability to attract and retain relationships to near zero. These two fellows are just some of the more outlandish examples.

How To Stop Having Groundhogs Day With Your Relationships by Lorne Caplan

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 03:17:00 GMT

Your relationship isn't working? Look at all your past partners first.

I hear it almost every night. My wife has a long-time friend who complains, laments and then cries (sometimes suggesting he'll just kill himself) about the relationship he's been in for almost two years.

That isn't a long time for most people, but for some, it's an eternity. Especially if the person you are living with is verbally abusive (she says things like “you'll never amount to anything”, “you're stupid”, “you don't know how to be a father”) and physically abusive. We often hear about the men being physically abusive to women, but in this case, the girlfriend actually hits him. Despite being larger and more imposing than this girlfriend, the hitting and venom continues and they aren't even married! That was a bad joke to make a point. The basics are clear here. Why he is still with this woman beyond some form of blackmail is beyond me, yet I too was with a woman for many years that was not complimentary although far from being the volatile person that she is. Yet, the dynamics continue.

Are your friends and family asking you if you are insane?

You are insane if you have the same dysfunctional, ineffective, unsatisfying relationships over and over.

The old saying that if you do the same things over and over and expect things to change,is true for relationships just as it is for business or anything else. This expression holds true for relationships as well and in this case, like so many others, the resentment, hostility and dysfunction are substantial. It is not healthy for either partner to be in a relationship like this and when asked why he continues to live with her, he says he “love her”! At each juncture he should say, I have to change this and get out of the cycle. Instead, he convinces himself that things will change. That he loves 80% of all the things about her. Yet, he can't recall the last time she said she loved him. From the outside looking in, it's easy to say WTF! Get out man! Yet when you are in the dynamic, it isn't so easy or recognizable.

We can look everywhere and find examples of similar relationships that just keep repeating the bad over any good that may have once existed. I recently got an email from an old friend who explained how she went back to an abusive relationship after leaving it, hoping for a change, only to spend another year with a man who insulted her, brought her to his family who would never accept her, pointing out all of her flaws, real or imagined and it was only after he threatened her with virtual ex-communication from his family and all of their friends, that she finally said, enough is enough. Her self-esteem had taken a battering and she was clearly unhappy, but for her, she was able to break with the cycle and dynamics. So many people linger on and on, dealing with emotionally traumatizing events that often lead to depression or worse.

It's usually well past the time to change, but it's never to late

So how do you pull yourself away from a relationship like this when you feel you've done everything you can to make it work and you may even love this person? Take a break from your partner and if you feel you've tried to communicate and have failed then forget the guilt. You have every right to be happy, despite some people taking that reality to extreme's. It doesn't give you the right to hurt people in the process. Being an adult does mean that you should have some responsibility and maturity, without losing creativity and imagination. It is as difficult a balance as finding the right relationship and growing within it as well as an individual. Too difficult? Perhaps. In the United States more people fail at it than succeed, so you are certainly in good and familiar company.

Our Fascination With Dating Shows

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 16:44:00 GMT

No generation created an interest in dating, but the Boomers exemplified it

Each day, I receive a list of journalist inquiries and calls for casting for various new shows. Inevitably, I see at least five "new" ideas for dating and relationship shows broadcast to people of all ages. Just last week there was a new casting call for people over the age of 50, which makes sense since the Boomer generation is well over that and is in relationship turmoil.

As the first generation to instill divorce and new forms of relationships into our society, the Boomers are also leading the charge when it comes to programming these dating shows. A recent casting call from a major US network asked to receive candidates who were;

A typical casting call for a dating show isn't as broad and accepting as this one

"... looking for smart, interesting, attractive men who are
looking for love. If any of the following is true for you, you
should contact us: * You are single right now; * You're
ready to find someone to share your life with; * You are in
your 20s , 30s, or 40s; * Maybe your work life is great, you
pretty much have it together (or maybe not); but something is
definitely missing; * You might have a child or children
already; or you might want to start a family soon; or maybe you
don't want children at all; * Maybe you could see getting
married soon, or maybe you don't believe in marriage; * You
might be divorced; * All the above could be true - or not -
but for sure you are a catch and you want to meet a phenomenal
person;

This is one of the broadest descriptions I've read over the years. Usually it is for a specific demographic and age group, but the popularity of these shows, especially those that have succeeded in the past (whether they were raunchy or just humorous) suggests that our appetite as a society will always be willing to watch, read and learn about dating and relationships.

Our disastrous relationships fuels our interest in dating programming

As the divorce rate rose and our difficulty within relationships impacted us with numerous distractions including work, children, emotions and our general outside environment (daily stuff like driving, food, etc...) so too, it seems, has our interest in others dating and success (or not as the casting promotion so clearly states). We as a species, are interested in our own as well as other relationships. Generally comparing our success with others and that is one reason that dating and it's many variations, continues to draw as a top five topic in any format, whether entertainment oriented, product development, self-help and even religious based (just look at the proliferation of religion specific online and offline dating services; Christian Mingle likes to use the line;"Find Gods Match For You!" Anything I guess to find that special someone, no matter how misguided).

Soul-mate, partner, lover, best friend or all of the above

So it seems that the search for the perfect someone to share our life with, cuts across all boundaries and that is most pronounced in this American life with intermarriage on the rise as well as it's acceptance. Being in a committed and supportive relationship is a common theme with both men and women. While men tend to be much more cavalier about it than women, there is still that importance inherent in finding a wife or partner that meets our needs, whatever they may be. These shows try to show, more realistically than ever (as opposed to the scripted shows like The Bachelor), the trials and tribulations of everyday people, even though they are still focusing on handsome or beautiful women, which is often in the eye of the beholder as well. They aren't looking for dating zombies either, those people who go through the motions, but are too stressed and damaged to actually let the prospect of another persons interest lift their mood, spirit and energy level.

Don't let celebrity hosts like Dr. Phil fool you into their relationship un-reality

Until we reach a certain comfort level and satisfaction with our own relationships whether they are committed (marriage or partnership) or not, we will find our selves voyeuristic-ally, or practically assessing our own successes or failures in comparison with those that we are watching on the small screen as well as the big screen. We find ourselves judging their beauty, their intelligence, dress and any manner of other details that we would apply to our own considerations when involved in the dating scene. We watch any number of talk-shows with self-proclaimed relationship experts like Dr. Phil (on a show that I appeared on last year, he famously proclaimed that he just met his wife and they knew that they would be happy. What's so difficult about relationships he suggested? How about being so out of touch with reality Mr. McGraw?) In a way, it is a safe way to date without getting rejected, something of a relationship game show without the downside (which hurts) or the upside, which is like being on a strong drug. So as long as this dynamic exists in our species, the dating shows will keep coming, in all shapes and sizes, just like our own varied make-up. Just don't get too wrapped-up in the outcomes since we all should know that true love and communication (they aren't mutually exclusive) take more time than a few episodes on television to take shape. Just enjoy the ride, while it lasts in your own life and on television.

Young Adults Expressing Their Love and Affection With Tattoos

Fri, 11 May 2012 13:35:00 GMT

The history of tattoos was almost exclusively male dominated

Long before tramp-stamps and barbed wire coiled around peoples biceps, tattoos were personal expressions of fidelity with groups and specific people. In ancient history, they were used to indicate that someone was property, or that they reached a certain level of manhood or puberty or womanhood within a tribe or similar grouping such as in Fijian tribes. In some cultures, tattoos were used to identify criminals and vagrants, particularly in Japan, where tattoos are to this day frowned upon, especially when visible in public.

In the latter part of the 20^th century, tattoos became something of an art form and we've all seen those who've taken it to the extreme. These flesh canvases have influenced millions of teenagers to get tattoos that are “cute”, “describe me” or some other variation of personal expression that undercuts the original reasons that people got tattoos. Of course, the celebrity love affair with tattoos such as with A-listers Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox and others, sets an example for all those young adults and teenagers that it is hip, cool and completely on target.

Celebrities and gang-members alike

Once almost the single domain of men in armed forces, anarchists, gang-members or other unsavory types, now, when you enter most tattoo shops that aren't custom, you'll find bunnies, birds and other friendly illustrations that can be yours... for the rest of your life. The reality of tattoos, beyond the pain, is that they do indeed stay with you for the rest of your life. Those responsible and professional tattoo artists would echo the refrain that one long-time New York City expert made to a young couple looking to get a cute linked tattoo celebrating their relationship. He simply said; "Remember that these tattoos will be permanent, daily reminders of a fleeting emotion or feeling that passed long ago". Other veterans of the industry either get fed up and shut down as in the New York landmark on 23rd street pictured to the right, while others adapt and bring-in their children to keep the tradition of tattooing going on like Big Joe and Sons Tattoo and Piercing in Westchester, NY already in operation over 40 years.

Of course, we are dealing with emotional issues and when considering an actual tattoo, many young people, those below the age of 25 for arguments sake, want to express themselves and speak to their group, whatever that may be. In the UK, there has been a great deal of concern about illegal tattoo shops providing services to children as young as 11 years old, with dirty needles and even online tattoo kits. The great proliferation of tattoo art has gone well beyond television shows like LA Ink, Inkmaster and others that reveal the trials and tribulations of their reality television stars. Rather, it speaks to a desire by the late Generation Y (sometimes called Y-bother) and current Always On (AO) generation to be heard and if not, to express their frustration on their bodies, so that they can see it everyday to remind them and their emotions to breath.

Multiple Magazine and online sites cover every aspect of the tattoo industry

The explosion in illustration art and computer generated art (CG) has also lent credibility to the sub-genre of this specialty that now has developed loyal and passionate followers that you can see from the proliferation of magazine titles that promote and cover the tattoo industry in all of it's different stylings. One obvious standout, is coverage of the industry from a man's point of view as illustrated by ten of the most popular tattoo magazine covers. While only 13% of the female population have tattoos, the number of men isn't that much greater at 15%, but yet the industry still promotes women models for their sex-appeal, while men seem not to be of much interest, at least on the cover of tattoo magazines.

Emotions are a funny thing in that they often lead us to do strange and often regretful things. I've interviewed a number of tattoo artists who've been in the business for as little as one year to over 40 and the majority of them take great pride in what they do and the art that they create. They are another form of hair-stylist, artist and therapist all rolled up into one person, listening to the stories and meaning behind the body-art that is about to grace almost any part of a humans body and they have, believe me, drawn tattoos on some very private places. Yet, they almost all have said that they believe young adults and teens are not ready to make a decision that will be engraved into their skin for their life. The Y's and AO's seem more flippant and dismissive when being educated about the lasting effects of a tattoo on their mind as well as their body and almost always revert to the quip; “if I get bored of it, I'll have it removed!”. This attitude isn't always accepted, since some of the more reputable tattoo artists insist that the young would-be clients come back with an adult, or consider the long-term effects of living with a specific choice. In the United Kingdom you have to be 18 to get a tattoo. In most States in the United States, the age is 18 with some exceptions like Alabama and Hawaii, where any age child can get a tattoo with the consent of an adult.

Q lasers aren't yet perfected for tattoo removal

Certainly the marketing of tattoo removal lasers has spawned a new and lucrative industry within this specialty. Companies like Focus Medical's Naturalase QS and Sandstone Medical's Q Switched Yag laser would have you believe that any tattoo could be removed with limited pain and absolute success. The truth of the matter is that fading occurs and the picture to the right suggests what level of success we should consider acceptable, particularly when removal of the tattoo will cost hundreds and thousands of dollars depending on the color and intricacy of the tattoo. While teens and young adults also brush this off as "the technology will get better" or "fading is fine", the entire painful (lasers are more painful than the original tattoo needle) experience can be avoided if an impulsive decision isn't made to get that "cute" tattoo.

When dealing with relationships, romance, passion and intimacy, the push-back by prospective clients is even more heated. The days of a heart with an arrow through it or a “MOM” indelibly marked within a rose or some other love related theme are long gone. Now, to express a persons love for, intimacy with or passion toward another individual, full body canvases are being drawn-up as if to feel every needle prick as part of the intensity of the relationship they are in. It seems bigger is better in this generation as well, but reality usually sets in too late to remove the tattoo as so many celebrities are now being forced to do.

There are enough public stories about celebrities getting mutual fidelity tattoos and then years or even days later, having them removed because the relationship didn't work out, just as Miley Cyrus did to her nine (9) tattoos after boyfriend Liam Hemsworth gave her an ultimatum to remove them, or he'd walk. The long and painful (not to mention expensive) laser removal shouldn't be considered an option, unless it is an absolute necessity. The technology isn't there yet, so when your daughter asks for a mother daughter tattoo, or friends tattoo, or daughter dad tattoo, just say no. Until the under 25 set understand the consequences of having body art that they most likely will become bored, or irritated with, particularly if they are no longer with their partner, spouse or even friend, they should focus on other positive ways to express themselves. Leaving the professional tattoo artists to do their exceptional work on those who are ready to express their complex emotions and feelings and understand that the picture will be with them for the rest of their life, as they grow and change, not as they stay the same.