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By
Dr. Mark
Goulston
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Whether of not Massachusetts
Governor Jane Swift’s decision to leave her office for her
family was due to her weak voter base or poor standings in
the polls, the fact remains that many working mothers are
being torn apart between home and work.
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Playing a “zero sum” game they can’t
win and feeling they are short-changing people at both ends is
causing many women unrelenting guilt and stress. (Men don’t feel
the conflict as acutely given their belief that being a good
provider covers many of the sins of being a frequently absent
husband and father.)
When you have young children, there
is an alternative to sacrificing your family to your career or
vice versa. Here are ways to make it happen: TOP
1)
Life is NOT a Cabaret, it’s a juggling act – Realize that everyone
and everything in your life do not compete for importance,
they compete for time. Your children
are the most important children you have; your job is the most
important job you have; your husband is the most important husband
you have; etc. The key to treating them all as important is by
being totally present and giving your undivided attention to
whomever you are with, when you are with them. Do this by
practicing the 3 C’s of Caring:
a)
Concern – you hear people all the way out, instead of interrupting
them, prematurely reassuring them, and thinking you’ve listened to
them when you haven’t.
b)
Curiosity – you ask them about specific events they have gone
through since you last spoke to them. Remembering what they’re
going through without their having to continually remind you,
makes them feel special.
c)
Confidence – if they’re going through a problem, you think through
options with them, but let them make the final decision and give
them a vote of confidence (this will help nurture self-reliance in
them, so they will not need to depend on you as much). TOP
2) The
REAL Bedtime Story - Parenting is more about listening than
talking. If you or your husband still read your children bedtime
stories, add this to your routine. When they are
laying in bed ask them: “What was the
best thing that happened to you today and what was the worst
thing?” Show genuine enthusiasm for their positive experiences
and heartfelt compassion for their upsetting experiences. Don’t
rush in to reassure them or give them advice unless they ask for
it. Then ask: “What are you most looking forward to and most
nervous about tomorrow?” Respond similarly to the first
question. This conversation will nurture the seeds to
perspective—that every day has both good and bad things that
happen—one of the best coping mechanisms we can have as an adult.
Then seal these little life’s lessons with a story. TOP
3) Do
regular life balance audits – Once a month, print out your
appointments calendar and highlight in different colors what parts
of your schedule are spent on child related, career related,
marriage related, friend and family related, and self related
(your personal interests). Step back and look at your highlighted
schedule. If one color is very much overshadowing other parts of
your life, re-balance.
4)
Being a good parent, doesn’t mean YOU have to do all the parenting
– A parent’s most important role is to love, prepare and protect
children until they can fend for themselves and have their best
chance for happiness and success. When you find other caring
parent figures including teachers, coaches, grandparents, nannies
and other children’s parents to supplement your love, support and
guidance you’re being nearly as good a parent as when you are
providing these yourself. |
