|
Women, to whom we tend to look to for love, comfort and
intimacy, often wonder why we men are so self-absorbed, why we
seem to enjoy violence, why we’re not emotionally available.
They wonder how to connect with us— and why it’s so hard for
us to connect with them.
Could it be our Perceptions and beliefs? (Acquiring and
mentally interpreting information from the senses.) We
see, touch, smell, and hear a person, animal, or object, which
causes us to feel something (fear, love, aversion, heat, cold,
etc.) and react to it. In an instant, we’ve downloaded into
memory information we will rely on to make future
decisions—danger or reward, a mom who “loves me after all,” or
a classmate who’d betray us if the price is right. Such
perceptions—such memory—lead to behavior, beliefs, and
attitudes about relationships, people, ourselves and life in
general.
For example, if I pitched a losing game at age nine and Dad
still loved me, I perceived that losing a game wasn’t so bad,
and I believed I was still worthy of love. If I lost the game
and Dad got really angry and wouldn’t talk to me, I might’ve
perceived losing a fourth-grade softball game might cost me my
father’s love. This perception would easily color my future as
I acted out my belief that I had to WIN in order to deserve
and have love.
And, if I was a teenage boy who rushed to hug his dad coming
home from a long business trip only to have his dad push him
away with “You’re too old to be doing that.” In a stunning
realization I might’ve seen that I was now too sexual or too
mature to hug any male out of fear of implied sexuality.
The beliefs we form from early perceptions aren’t necessarily
true or even logical. They’re formed to try to make sense of
the mystery of what’s happening to us and around us. In the
happy-to-see-Dad example above, I’ll feel less awful if I
conclude that I’m too grown-up to be showing feelings than if
I conclude that Dad wasn’t glad to see me. My belief becomes
fact—“how things are”—in my mind, and unknowingly, I’ve
sentenced myself to a future where it’s not okay to be an
openhearted, feeling person.
Where Do We Go From Here?
Wonderful things are happening to men. The time has come for
“heart,” for feelings. When speaking of “heart,” we’re not
referring to our physical heart but to the love experienced in
our chest. This is the “spiritual heart” often referred to as
the “seat of the soul.”
In our society it’s become increasingly safe to “connect” with
others. Men often are able to open their hearts, loving beyond
traditional loved ones, extending loving kindness and
consideration into business activities and the world. Many
men—no longer out of touch with their feelings—are most
assuredly, expanding their love, caring, and kindness far
beyond their ancient warrior nature.
We long to trust and be intimate with someone, to fill an
emptiness we first felt in boyhood. Most men look to women for
that heart connection. Drawing close for sex, we initially
aspire to build a “feel good,” safe
relationship. But if we men haven’t learned at least
fundamental relationship skills, women remain mysterious to
us. We end up feeling hurt, disappointed, and misunderstood,
and slink back to our corner, while our women, feeling
unnurtured and confused, return to theirs, each partner
swearing that the other “doesn’t have a clue.” Yet if we men
are willing to learn the necessary inner changes, we become
more confident and less threatened, opening our hearts so our
expanding love reveals itself automatically. Life and love get
better and better.
The measure of a man is on the inside!
|
