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Forward Comments by CC CEO,
Laura Dawn Lewis
Forward: When iVillage originally ran
this letter to Dr. Mark five years ago, they received and posted
over 500 pages of comments from women; most were very angry.
This surprised me because I never realized so many women are
threatened by the thought of their husband looking at the picture
of a naked woman. And the responding women were extremely
threatened and vehement in their opposition.
Personally, I've bought boyfriends
subscriptions to Playboy because there really is a lot of good sex
advice in the magazine and I benefited. The more tolerant of my
guy's need to see, the less the man in my life seems to want it.
Actually, I'd be more worried if he showed no interest at all.
Men are biologically programmed to respond to visual sexual
stimulation. Women on the other hand are not, which is one
reason many women find a man's interest in pornography or
self-gratification to be disgusting. I've always seen it as
normal and a great drug-free from of stress relief for men.
One thing that the iVillage comments didn't
touch on was the double standard women have defining
eroticism. Women have their own type of pornography. It's
just not as visible or as easily attacked. Women use romance
novels, which even though they do not have pictures, the written
descriptions are of overt sexual acts. And if she tries to
hide behind piety, the Bible contains some of the sexiest passages
on record. Women also use songs like Tonight's the Night by
Rod Stewart or Miracles by Jefferson Starship. Sammy
Hagar nailed it in his song Heavy Metal when he talked about
mental masturbation. That's how women consume porn,
mentally and carefully hidden in the pages of romance. Men
look at a picture to fantasize; women do so within their minds
guided by the written word.
The Situation:
Dear Dr. Mark,
I have been trying to talk to my partner about his pornography
addiction for two years now. He defends its use as being only for
personal pleasure. He also says he can't masturbate without it and
that the intimacy he has with me is the "real" thing. The fact
that he does this is ironic because he follows a spiritual path
whose sacred law is that nothing shall be done to harm the women
and children. We have an 8-month-old daughter now and I don't want
to hide anything from her as she grows up, yet this seems like a
sordid secret. Would he be able to live with himself if his
daughter came to him one day and said, "Hey Dad, I want to be a
pornography star"? In the meantime, it's hurting me. When I make
love with him, I'm flooded by all these images and I get sick to
my stomach. Even though he's tried to tell me that I'm his
"Number-One Goddess," I don't believe him. When we're out, I can't
help thinking that he's undressing every woman he meets. HELP!
PORN WIDOW in Portland
The Solution:
Dr. Mark's Answer
Dear PORN WIDOW:
You might not like what I am going to say, but please hear me out.
For women, verbally venting their frustrations is a great stress
reliever. No one knows why; it just is. Well, for men, an
orgasm—loveless and sexless, if need be—is a
great stress reliever. No one knows why; it just is.
There are two kinds of sex -- sex with love and sex just for sex's
sake. Many husbands feel guilty about having sex just for sex's
sake with their wives, because they feel like they are using her
as a thing (as opposed to making love to someone they are supposed
to care about as a person). So instead of using their wives as
things, many men use pornography and masturbation. I'm not
advocating it or saying it's a wonderful practice, I'm just saying
it's very common and not always unhealthy. Pornography and
masturbation (in moderation) have probably saved more marriages
than they have hurt. I think it's pretty sad, but it's just a fact
of modern life.
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To give you an idea of the stress men feel, one man asked me a few
months ago if I knew what the definition of a shower was. I told
him I didn't. He told me: "A shower is the place where grown men
go to cry when they're afraid they can't keep the promise they
made to their wives and children to always take care of them and
don't want their family to see how afraid they are."
Just as men hide their
tears—and fear—in the shower where no one else can see, many
similarly hide their masturbation—and shame for having to resort
to it—in the den after everyone is asleep. As one man told me so
poignantly in a poem:
If you can show your husband that
you understand the pressure and responsibilities on him, he may
feel less alone and less stressed out. And if he feels less
stressed out, he may not need to resort to pornography as much.
Take him aside and say to him: "Nobody, including me, knows how
awful the pressure from all your responsibilities makes you feel.
And nobody, including me, knows that sometimes -- even though you
love me and our children -- you wish you could be single and have
nobody to worry about but you. Isn't that true, honey? I'm sorry
it's so tough."
From there, you may be able to start a dialog about what is
worrying him and help him find positive ways of
dealing with the pressures in his life.
Good Luck!
Dr. Mark
The Action Plan:
1) Show
your husband that you understand the pressure and responsibilities on
him
2) Take him aside and say to him and
empathize with the situation
3) Ask him to help you solve the problem so you both
have a stake in the solution and the out come.
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