Supermarket Sex

by Laura Dawn Lewis
Bypassing the anatomically correct fruits and vegetables and the old standby of whipped cream, with a little imagination, your supermarket can be a sexy shopping experience.  Sure, Hollywood has had some fun with supermarkets from the scene in Animal House with Tim Matheson seducing the Dean's wife with a phallic cucumber to the highly erotic, sexually charged scene with Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin in Sea of Love strolling through the aisles, she wearing nothing but a rain coat.  But we're not going to take the sex to the supermarket, we're just going to buy the toys there.  You can take them home and try them out on your own!  Below are the products we found (and instructions on how to use them)  in one 1/2 hour trip to our local Albertsons. 

I first discovered this getting a full body massage at Glen Ivy Spa in California.  The Masseur rubbed the scrub into my skin from head to toe.  Once showered off, my entire body felt like silk.  When your skin feels this good you want to be touched and he/she will love touching you! 

Recommended use Apricot Scrub: Lay plastic sheets on the bed and give each other a full body massage with the scrub and then rinse it off each other in the shower (a hand held shower massager makes this really fun!)  Towel off and massage each other with a high quality lotion like Curél or Lubriderm. 


Few sensations feel more wonderful than a light scratching on the skin.  These two gloves allow you to deliver different sensations with your hands.

Recommended Use, Mittens: Dab some lotion onto the dry mittens and give your partner a back & butt rub.  Keep the pressure light yet firm, (see massage techniques).

Recommended Use, gloves: Use these dry and cup your partners leg or arm between both hands and softly run your gloved hands from top to bottom over his/her skin, lightly altering the pressure, (extremely effective brushing the inner thigh or under the arms).  The raised rubber nubs will create a titillating sensation that is both erotic and pleasurable. 

If she has trouble achieving orgasm, these two innocuous items might just push her over the edge!
Recommended Use:  With KY or another lubricant dab the rotating head of the brush and lightly apply pressure to her clitoris (not too hard.  It should just touch enough to tickle).  As you are stimulating the clitoris, gently insert the non-brush end of the make-up brush into her vagina and slowly twist it clock- wise and counter clockwise back and forth.  This brush is 2-inches long and will rest on the G-spot inside.  Longer brushes are even better because they can reach far enough inside to gently scratch the cervix.  The key here is small movements and light touch.  Push too hard or too fast and you can injure her.  Pressure will also numb the area and cause a loss of sensation. 

The powder brush can also be used as a bullet, inserted into the anus (lubricate first) while performing fellatio or using the rotating head.  With stimulation to the clitoris, this insertion will generally push most women to orgasm very quickly.  Pull it out the second she starts to climax to avoid injury and discomfort. 

Recommended Use, Basting Brush: These bristles are firm and soft and can greatly enhance sensations for men.  Lightly brush around the scrotum and up and down the penis.  On women, use the brush on the palms of her hands, inner thighs, nipples and near the anus and vagina as a tease.

Recommended Use, hot tea: This is  my favorite trick and I like mint tea because it also leaves a refreshing taste in your mouth.  Take a sip of the tea as hot as you can stand and hold it in your mouth for 30 seconds, then swallow.  Anything your mouth goes on while heated will deliver intense ecstasy to your partner...either fellatio, nipples, kissing and even sucking on ears or the neck.  It's intense and extremely pleasurable. Another version is to hold the liquid in your mouth and envelop his scrotum within your mouth, sloshing the liquid around.  If you are using tea for fellatio, do not put sugar, cream or lemon in it.  Always keep it black. Sugar can cause yeast infections in women and urinary track infections in men.  The acid in lemon can burn.

Recommended Use, plunger: Use KY or baby oil with the plunger.  Have your partner lie on his/her stomach naked and lubricate the foot of the plunger and press and release it up and down his or her entire naked body.  It feels like a giant kiss on each section of your skin and the lubrication causes a slight suction before release.

Recommended Use, liquid essence:  This is simply your favorite scent in a concentrated form. Put a drop on a light bulb to scent an entire room or add it to massage oil, lotion or bath water to bath yourself in your favorite scent. TOP

Sexuality and romance are the playful part of a relationship.  These sponge toys are sold to children to replace water balloons;  adults can use them in the same way. 

Recommended Use, Water Bombs: Fill a basin with warm water, your favorite scent and baby oil.  Use the water bombs to drizzle your partner with the warm water and sponge bath him or her.  You can also use them to playfully attack each other like children with water balloons on a hot August night. TOP

Enjoy being an artist? Frosting (or Cheese Whiz if you prefer something salty) can bring out your sexual Picasso!
Recommended Use, Frosting: Favorite game with this is "Try to figure out what I'm saying".  Write a word or draw a picture on your partner's back, inner thigh or anywhere else he/she cannot see and ask him/her to guess. If he/she can't guess, you eat your words or picture (he or she will have to follow your tongue to guess the outline)  until he or she gets it right. 

I'm not big on S&M.  If it hurts, personally I don't find it sexy or stimulating.  But a little pressure in the right places or a slight limiting of movement can make sex more intriguing by focusing your attention on the senses left unchecked.  These are two harmless, slightly S&M toys.

Recommended Use, Bag Clips: The best place to use these is on erect nipples.  By clipping them on nipples, you'll focus your partner's attention on this sensation and intensify anything else you are doing to his or her body. (Never use clips with teeth, only smooth edges.  The teeth will tear the very fragile skin and cause intense pain and possibly lead to infection).

Recommended Use, Pantyhose: Sure you can use these to tie someone up, but I've found another use that is far more enticing and it has to do with that nasty little problem called runs.  Ladies, runs in your hose are the sexiest thing you can have and here's why.  It's an overt invitation to sexual play.  Here's my rule:  If I get a run in my hose during the evening, he gets to take them off anyway he wants.  He can rip them off; he can cut them off or he can chew them off with his teeth; they are already ruined so why not make them fun?  There's something primal about ripping them off that men love.  Use this rule the next time you exclaim, "Damn, I have a run in my hose!"

Look at him with a Cheshire smile and don't be surprised if he spends the rest of the evening thinking about getting you home and the opportunity to take them off his way. Also don't be surprised if he starts looking for runs...the payoff is quite pleasurable!

One more sexy thing you can do with nylons?  Take them off and hand them to him under the table at dinner.  He'll know most women don't wear underwear with nylons, which means under that skirt, you're bare.  This will play with his mind all night! 

Recommended Use, Straws: Straws are used to channel air, your breath to be precise.  Use straws to focus air in the genital regions, ears or the nerves of the neck.  Or combine with Icy/Hot on nipples and inner thighs to create erotic sensations he/she will never forget! 

Do Not use this trick if you or your partner  have a heart condition!
Yes, writing erotica I do a lot of research into technique and this is an old hooker's trick that enhances orgasm in either men or women.  

Recommended Use, Black Pepper: Take whole pepper and crush it, wrap it in a white handkerchief and secure it with a rubber band.  When you feel your partner reaching orgasm, hold the pepper hanky under his or her nose.  If your partner is female, the sneeze she'll have at orgasm will cause her vaginal muscles to clamp down on you inside and intensify the orgasmic waves.  If he's male, the force of ejaculation will be intensified as the force of the sneeze exasperates his intentions. 

Recommended Use, Aerators: Nipples are often the most neglected area of a man's body.  These aerators are the perfect size to fit over his nipples and they are less messy than ice cubes.  Pop them in the freezer for cold sensation or dip them in water (no hotter than 120°F/42°C) for heat sensations. 

Recommended Use, Washers: As above, rubber or metal washers make great nipple rings and isolate the erogenous zone for sucking.  Pop them in the freezer for cold sensation or dip them in water (no hotter than 120°F/42°C) for heat sensations. 



Recommended Use, scarves: The most common complaint I hear from men is that women don't spend enough time on their scrotum.  Scarves, hand towels or my favorite feather boa's make wonderful scrotum slings. Simply wrap the fabric around the scrotum and gently lift the sacks up. Complete the picture with fellatio on either the sacks or his quite enlarged membrane.  Titillate him further by gently rocking the fabric back and forth. TOP

Pictured: Faux feather boa from Target for $14.99
Sexual pleasure derives from a combination of the unexpected and an appreciation for the gifts of the one you love.  Opportunities to enchant your partner are all around you.  With a little imagination, curiosity and discarded inhibition, you can make the most mundane objects intriguing and salacious.  

Divertir se...
That's Portuguese for "Have Fun!"

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