The Eight Stages of Intimacy™

Stage Five: Spiritual Intimacy

Covering: Morality, Ethics, Shared Existence & Shared Goals

This is where the relationship really begins. One of the toughest stages to accomplish, many married couples never achieve spiritual intimacy. A lack of it is a key reason many fail to survive.

When a couple progresses to this stage, there is a sense and meaning to the relationship. You share similar morals, values and ethics. Your futures are now inclusive in both the short term and the long term.

Before a couple can reach spiritual intimacy, each participant in the relationship must have already resolved the struggle with their own identity and defined who they are individually before the two can come together as a common entity. Spiritual Intimacy is where you and I become we. Siblings many times will be your first introduction to reaching this level.

You & your partner have achieved spiritual intimacy if you can answer Yes to all of these situations:

When speaking to friends you no longer refer to you and your partner as individuals, you and he/she are we.
You introduce each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife.
You both know who you are and have resolved any mental/psychological, addiction and relationship issues from the past. Codependency does not exist in your relationship.
You have short-term and long-term goals and objectives based upon your relationship.
Your morals and ethics have been articulated to each other and you are in agreement with each other regarding the basic principles that define each of you. These do not have to match perfectly, however those not in agreement must be tolerable to each partner.

Most people assume spiritual intimacy is about religious compatibility. Religion may play a small part because most religious teachings form our basic foundations of what is right and what is wrong. If you've found your relationships tend to break up before six months, it is likely you may never have experienced spiritual intimacy. It is a trust that takes time to both build and respect.

The following questions will allow your to explore Spiritual intimacy with your partner.

Questions to explore Spiritual Intimacy

What is the toughest lesson you have learned in life the hard way?

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Clues you into whether he/she reflects upon his/her mistakes and learns from them.

Is your faith important to you? Why or why not?

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Tells you if religion and spirituality are going to be an issue and if you both are compatible in morals and beliefs.

Describe your ideal relationship.

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Helps you understand his or her aspirations and expectations in a relationship.

Have you ever had a partner try to change you? What did you do?

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Tells you if he/she is confident and likes him/herself and Tells you if he/she is able to recognize manipulation and effectively diffuse it.

What does Marriage mean to you?

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Helps you understand his or her aspirations and expectations in a relationship and if his her ideas are based on realistic achievements or fantasy.

What is the longest period of time you've gone between romantic relationships? How did you cope with the ending?

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Most adults have three serious romantic relationships, (six months or longer. Anything less than six months is dating and not considered serious) before marrying in Western cultures. Consider this the apprentice stage, or marriage on training wheels. You are learning what it means to love, be loved and work as a team. You're defining your preferences, dislikes, what you are willing to put up with and what is non-negotiable. Concurrently each person in the relationship is growing, learning and maturing. Red flags occur if the person you are dating never has more than a couple of months between serious relationships and major red flags if he/she always has his/her next relationship lined up before leaving the existing one. Unless you are looking for long-term misery, you do not what a serial relationship expert. Con artists fall in this category and also target others in this category. Generally this indicates a person who needs a relationship in order to feel validated; it is also a sign of co-dependency.

Emotionally and spiritually healthy people will take time to grieve the end of a relationship, learn from it and take steps to better themselves whether through self-help, classes or expanding their interests. They can articulate what was good about the relationship and why it didn't work out. Most importantly they take steps to not repeat the mistakes. They learn from them.

On the opposite end, people with three, five or ten years between relationships also put up red flags, though sometimes there are good reasons like the death of a spouse, the need to care for their children, starting a business or health concerns. Find out why. Once is normal for life to circumvent relations. More than once can mean you are dealing with someone jaded, who has given up, refuses to trust, has set his/her expectations too high and is overly critical or has difficulty with intimacy. Most adults will go one to two years between serious relationships. You owe it to yourself to explore your partners' past relationships. It is part of building trust.

_____________________________________

The 8 Stages of Intimacy: