The Four Stages of Grief - Denial

AKA: How Much Longer Until I Feel Good Again?
by Laura Dawn Lewis

Stage 1: Denial

Denial can happen in two ways, either it's that nagging little voice in the back of your mind that keeps telling you that it’s time to get out of the relationship and you keep it gagged, making excuses and rationalizing why you need to stay. Or, the object of your affection has left, stopped calling, stood you up repeatedly, not invited you to important events…basically, you are abandoned emotionally or physically.

Signs You May Be in Denial

He/She never goes out with you on weekends
He never calls except for booty or she rarely returns your calls
He/She would rather be with his/her friends on important holidays than with you
He/She always has to work (too busy) and this has been going on for several months
He/She forgets your birthday and doesn't attempt to make it up to you
You feel alone with your partner even when you are together
Over two months have past since you officially broke up and you still think he/she is coming back
Stalking has become your favorite past time
You continually make excuses for him/her to your friends to explain his/her neglect
When alone, you speak to his/her memory as if nothing has changed TOP

Getting Through the Denial. When the Relationship Ends

Getting through denial can be the most difficult part of dealing with grief. It is a phase wrought with fear, (How will I make the bills without her income?!) dread, (GOD, I can't deal with dating again!) and panic, (Maybe if I lose weight he'll love me again). The truth is, there is nothing wrong with either of you. You both took a chance, grew together and changed each other. The good news is your true Mr. or Mrs. Right is still out there waiting for you to graduate from this learning experience. That is what grieving the end of a relationship is all about: experiencing the loss and learning to appreciate the good, while moving on with your life.

Until you can overcome the denial, you will never be able to experience a true loving relationship again because your mind and your heart will still be with the former. Therefore, it is in your best interest to be as honest and forthright with yourself as possible. Your friends are your allies here, listen to what they say, but most importantly, listen to your own gut instincts.

Everyone has stayed in a relationship long after they knew it was over. The reasons are endless and you probably have several of your own. But consider this. Are you not worthy of a happy loving relationship? Do you not deserve to experience the full spectrum of life and love? Is it not time you took back the power in your own love life?

The following are some of the tools used by many to shorten this difficult period.

Action Plan. Tools for Conquering Denial

The 60-Day Rule: If you are the one being neglected or left, your partner will contact you within 60-days if they really do love and want you.

According to Dr. Pat Allen, men generally need this much time to realize how they really feel about you. During this time, if children or your job are not an issue, DO NOT contact your former partner in any way. Do not write, call, e-mail, ask about, drive by their home, workplace, and hangouts or arrange to bump into them. Each time you do, you will prolong the denial phase several weeks or even months. Prolong the phase and you’ll prolong the agony.

Make a note of each time you make an excuse for your partner’s negative behavior toward you
Ask your friends to remind you each time you ‘romanticize’ the ended relationship
Make a list in writing of all of the times your partner’s behavior hurt you. Pull it out and read it three times a day.
Take yourself out of the picture. What type of advice would you give your brother, sister, close friend or child if they were experiencing the relationship instead of you?

Now that you know how to cut through the denial, you're ready for stage two: Depression

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