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True Stories
of Inspiration
End
ALL
The
Pain!
Overcoming Mental
Disorders & Abuse |
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My name is Vicki, born in Pennsylvania in September, 1968.
In my short life I had endured quite a bit of abuse; I had
been raped by a male acquaintance of my mother's at age 5,
then verbally, physically and sexually abused by my older
brother from ages 7 to 17, and raped twice by an uncle at
age 19.
As a result of the sexual abuse and violence that occurred, it
led me into a path of destructive behavior and a life of utter
confusion and feelings of inadequacy. |
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Sexual abuse beginning at age 5 created
a snowball effect of depression, mental disorders and
continued abuse. Hear Vicki's own words on how she
climbed out of hell and ended the pain for good! |
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I firmly believe that due to the abuse and sexual violence
endured, it resulted in me dealing with many problems and
psychiatric issues.
From an early age I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, low
self-esteem, anger and hatred toward men. As a child I was in
therapy, a bed-wetter, was attracted to girls, had strong
desires to be a boy and often dressed as a boy. As I entered
my teen years, which were very difficult, I endured a sexual
identity crisis, dealt with self-destructive behavior,
developed anorexia and bulimia, was an alcoholic, dabbled in
drugs, was in and out of therapy and entered the Marines.
By early adulthood I continued therapy, was causing
self-inflicted injuries on my body as a way of coping, in and
out of Eating Disorder Units and psychiatric hospitals, dealt
with suicidal tendencies, had 3 suicide attempts (1 near
fatal), was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, clinical
depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP).
By age 25 I was experiencing anxiety attacks daily, had
self-injured my body by cutting and burning (1, 5" scar & 1,
4" scar from 3rd degree burns & over 250 scars from cutting).
I had been involved in various relationships (dysfunctional,
abusive, one night stands), led a homosexual lifestyle, was
briefly involved with a gang, had an abortion, claimed
bankruptcy due to high medical bills, was on psychotherapeutic
medication (17 pills daily), had battled with mental illness
and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.
As I approached 27, I was dependent on psychotherapeutic
medications, totally exasperated and felt as though I was just
existing and taking up space. I was at a point in my life that
although I doubted anything could be better, I was looking for
my life to change.
Although I thought I had tried everything possible to get
better, somehow I was still open for help. It seemed that
whatever I tried that it was only good for a few hours, a day,
sometimes if I got "lucky" it lasted a couple days.
I was not brought up around church or anything godly. Although
I doubted a lot of things about God, one Sunday in March of
1995 I was invited to church and reluctantly went. It was my
first time going to a church in over 15 years, and this was no
church like I had ever been to. From the moment I stepped
through the doors, I sensed something different.
When I walked into that church in New Jersey I remember
sensing such love and peace. (I honestly thought it would be
over once I left). I wasn’t quite sure what my beliefs were,
mainly Agnostic, as I spent most of my life blaming God or
questioning Him why all this happened to me. I was at a point
of my life where I was not ready to be let down again.
All I knew was that when I walked into that church, I felt
great and didn’t remember feeling so much peace like that
before. No medication made me feel this alert and alive, I
knew it just had to be real.
I wanted so much to be normal but had no clue how to do it, as
everything else I tried proved a failure. After going to that
church I asked God to make himself real to me. Within days I
noticed that I was more peaceful, able to think clearly and
the negative desires I had were not so strong. Even though to
an outsider that would seem so small of a change, however, for
me it was a big thing just to see a change, at that moment I
knew that God was real!
A few weeks later, I bought a Bible and it opened right up to
the book of Mark, and I began reading in chapter 5. As I read,
I saw that a guy who had cut himself day and night and
appeared to have mental illness; he was healed by Jesus. I
became very agitated with God and threw the Bible to the
floor. I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t well; if he had
healed this guy so long ago.
I began to yell at God: “!@#* you God, if you are real, then
why the hell can’t you help me? Why can’t you do for me what
you did years ago for that guy? I’m tired so tired of this
!@#*, and tired of living this way. Don’t you understand that
I’m tired of crying all night long, cutting and drinking
because I cannot cope? Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I
don’t want mental illness. Please help me.”
I do realize now that swearing to God may not have been the
best thing, but at that time I wasn’t accustomed to talking
with Him and tried my best to be nice. After saying this, I
pleaded with God, I truly petitioned him for his help.
I figured my last resort was this God who I wasn’t even so
sure about. I put all my doubts aside and immediately I began
to pray to God, actually I challenged him that I wanted
answers and that I would give him 3 weeks to “prove himself”
to me. Even though I wasn’t sure if I believed in God, I
thought it would be a good idea if I at least put my efforts
into it. I wanted my life to change and was looking for a
difference.
I figured that I had done everything possible that I guess I
could at least give God a chance. It seemed as if nothing else
had worked, but I have never thought of including God because
I mainly blamed God, part of me thought that what happened to
me was His fault. Additionally, part of me wasn’t convinced
that he even existed. I wasn’t sure what I believed in, not
even certain about God.
Ever since I "challenged" God, He answered, and my life turned
around completely and has never been the same! What happened
over the next 1 1/2 years was absolutely breathtaking!
With the love and mercy of God I learned to cope with the past
and look forward to the future; there is hope and there is a
better way of life. I learned that I don’t have to live my
future based on my past. I am not sure why all that happened
to me, but I do know that what was meant for bad is now being
turned around for good.
I have forgiven all the people that have hurt and abused me.
And, I have completely healed, recovered and overcome in every
area! I was married to a wonderful Christian man in April,
1999. My life has taken a 360 degree turn and amazed at what
God does!
It is my hopes that every person will come to the realization
that they can overcome anything in their life, as nothing is
hopeless!
Whatever a person has gone through or may be facing right now,
they can get through it just like I did and lead a normal
healthy life as God intended for them!
I know God will heal and totally change anyone, anytime of
anything. He is just a prayer away.
Vicki (F) 34
Parsippany, NJ
Read more of Vicki's inspiring
Story at End All the
Pain.com
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