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romantic tips for the romantically challenged |
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Commitment
vs
Cohabitation
Owner or Renter &
Cohabitation:
by Michael Webb
Since I own several pieces of real estate and was a
licensed real estate broker at one time, I am often
asked for advice on purchasing a home.
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Should you
move in together? |
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Let me share with you some pros
and cons of owning versus renting as an introduction to this
issue (yes, it is relevant). If you own your own home:
You probably have
made some sacrifices to
have it. Sacrifices make you appreciate something
more. You are far less
likely to move out or away on a whim. You enjoy the pride
of ownership and will put far more work into keeping
up the home than if you were only renting.
Paying the mortgage
is perhaps your highest bill priority - a
foreclosure on your credit report is a
terrible mark that lasts many years. Buying a home is a
long process. It requires a lot of thought, planning
and soul searching. The wisest home investments are
not ones that you quickly jump into. If your home
becomes damaged, you will want to act quickly to fix
the problem so other problems don't occur.
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If you rent
Renting is much
easier than owning. You usually don't have to make
many sacrifices at all. If you decide you
don't like where you are renting you can move out
easily. If you trash your
place and devalue it, it doesn't matter too much.
You might lose a little bit of a deposit, but that
is nothing compared with equity you might have in a
home. If you can't pay
your rent, you might get kicked out in a couple of
months, but at least your credit report isn't too
messed up. You can jump into a
rental situation without much thought or planning.
If your place
becomes damaged or a major appliance quits working,
you have little responsibility. You can call up the
landlord and have them take care of the problem.
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This week's
issue is about Commitment vs Cohabitation. There are quite a
few similarities in home ownership and marriage as there is
with cohabitation and renting. Go back and reread the lists,
replacing "own" with "marriage" and "rent" with cohabitate.
I've seen a lot of studies on the effects of cohabitation on
marriage and nearly all of them come to a similar conclusion.
About 75-85% of
marriages that began with cohabitation (two people living
together who are not married) end in divorce (some of these
studies are referenced here). Have
you ever wondered why that is?
The major reason two people begin to live together instead of
getting married is that they want to test out their
compatibility with each other. However, if cohabitation was a
successful prelude, those couples who moved in together before
getting married should actually have stronger marriages than
those who did not live together prior to marriage. Instead,
they have far weaker marriages by comparison.
I believe much of the problem with cohabitation is that it is
like renting. The relationship, like a rental contract, is
lived out month to month. Any conflicts or major problems that
come up can be grounds for eviction. Often, the philosophy
among those who simply live together is "you do what works for
you and I'll do what works for me and if things don't work
out, we can simply break up." On the other hand, when you are
in a marriage contract, you make vows to try to please each
other first and foremost and when things don't work out, you
try everything possible to make things better.
When couples who live together decide to get married, usually
little changes in their relationship except for their legal
status and maybe a change of last name. The same "mine and
yours" philosophy upon which cohabitation is built upon,
usually continues. And that is why they divorce so much easier
when troubles come upon the relationship.
While it is very important to determine a certain amount of
compatibility before you marry, you don't have to live
together to know how someone thinks, believes and reacts to
important situations. A proper courtship over a good length of
time will uncover those issues (my book 50 Secrets of Blissful
Relationships has a chapter on how long a courtship should
be). Under the rental contract, you are
merely testing your compatibility, in marriage you are
building compatibility. It is a completely different mindset.
Something to think
about...
Also Read: Should We Move In Together? |
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