|
Caught in The
Act, Continued...
Dear Caught-In-The-Act,
I believe part of being an adult is being
able to make a mistake, own up to it and move on without letting
the problem become any bigger than it should. So if you reframe
the situation from being a hypocrite to being someone who makes
a mistake you may be able find your way through this.
Children can be very forgiving if you don’t
make the problem bigger than it need be and you talk to them
about what we all do, and that’s make mistakes. After all,
people who consider themselves good drivers still at times may
get a ticket or end up in an accident.
To start with, it seems this is more of Dad’s problem than yours. You might chose to talk with his son together, but I think one adult to deal with at a time is plenty for the boy. Dad could start with asking "What was it like for you to find mewith my girlfriend Easter evening?" "What are you okay with and what is still difficult for you when you think about it?"
These questions are important in two ways.
First, you want to know what his experience was and that it’s
okay to talk about uncomfortable experiences, and second, you
don’t want to start addressing issues that aren’t already in
his mind.
Part of the conversation is an apology. Not
an apology that "I got caught," but rather "I’m sorry I didn’t
think about how this might affect you. I wish I hadn’t behaved
that way" Another part is addressing whatever the boy has to
say about right and wrong. Own up to whatever was wrong in
terms of saying "Adults don’t always behave the way they think
is best. Sometimes we make mistakes." And then speak to
whatever is wrong.
TOP
It’s also important to normalize wanting to
be affectionate with someone you care about. Otherwise in your
efforts to avoid affectionate responses to one another in his
presence, he will grow up confused as to what is normal to
feel and do between adults. Dad may want to say "I like my
girlfriend, and sometimes I want to hold her and be close.
That evening I had missed her a lot, and we got more involved
than usual." You may want to at least touch in the son’s
presence.
Depending on what the son brings up, Dad
may need to tell his son he’s not going to bring any more
children into the world unless he’s already married. He may
want to speak about knowing you for two years - that this is
not a new relationship - and how much he does care. The point
being that this is not one-night-stand behavior, but a caring
relationship with a history, and hopefully a future.
TOP
If the boy wants more information about
what the two of you are or aren’t doing at other times, I
think it’s important not to go down that road. Your
relationship needs to be yours, and what needs to be addressed
is just this incident. If things get expanded, Dad is put in
the position of denying the rest of your relationship or
owning up to more than he may want. So if it comes up, he may
want to just say "When you’re older, I may be able to talk
more about things. But right now, I only want to talk about
what happened that evening, and how it affected you."
For your part, you may simply want to say
"I’m sorry about my part Easter evening and how uncomfortable
you must have been." That’s probably all you need to do.
Acknowledge the event so there’s nothing awkward being hidden.
In closing, my thought is that two years is
a long time to be together without knowing whether you’re
going to be together the rest of your lives. If that gets
resolved one way or another soon, it will take the pressure
off all of you!
Andy Whaling |
