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STARTING A COLLECTION
We use e-mail
constantly to share stories, usually on politics or comic
relief. I also draw and paint so Paul now collects lighthouses
simply because I love lighthouses and as I'm a sailor, he
represents my safe harbor. He is my lighthouse, that pillar of
safety and guide through life. I've given him lighthouse poems
I've written, lighthouse watercolors I've painted, lighthouse
sculptures, lighthouse lamps, lighthouse collectables and
lighthouse Christmas ornaments I've made. See this is what
happens when a woman enters your life. We give men hobbies they
never knew they had. We found lighthouse dishes at Big Lots and
he was ready to buy them for me. At the last minute I decided
no. Where would I put them right now since everything I own is
in storage?
Lighthouses are
my representation for Paul and my way to honor him. Find
something that reminds you of your love and start a collection.
My Dad now has an impressive collection of snowmen courtesy of
my Mom, though I'm having trouble seeing the correlation between
snowmen and Dad.
Collecting
softens the blow of being separated a little because now you
have a quest and a secret representation of your relationship.
Paul is also collecting twirlies as I call them…wind chimes
without the noise, optical illusions that spin in the sun.
I just keep
finding those I like and buying them for him. Since I do not
have a porch and he does, he gets them. Currently eight grace
his porch; each time he sees them blowing in breezes off the
Pacific, he says he thinks of me.
I've been
talking about all that I do, because what I do doesn't cost much
if anything at all. He's got the money. I don't. He does
spend it on me whether it is jewelry, experiences, trips, (he
sent me to Hawaii for ten days a few birthday's back) or help
with Couples Company. Most people cannot afford this, so my
contributions are definitely more doable for the average person
anywhere in the world. His are important to me, but not helpful
to anyone else. TOP
'I LOVE YOU'
But money
doesn't buy the most important thing. He continually asks me what I
want. His idea being that to care for me meant solving
financial issues, and as an entrepreneur, they are dynamic. I
finally put my foot down last fall telling him the only thing I
wanted from him was the words "I love you". No more money. No
more jewelry. No more help until I hear those words. "Ditto"
syndrome as Patrick Swayze used to say 'I Love You' to
Demi Moore in the movie Ghost, doesn't cut it.
Neither does, "You should know. I shouldn't have to tell
you" or "Can't you tell?" It took
refusing several thousands of dollars in gifts for Paul to get
the message. Amazingly, he felt guilty. He could not
comprehend that without those words, all the jewelry,
electronics, gifts and trips are meaningless; I might as well be
Holly Golightly heading toward the powder room.
Any man can buy
gifts and they are an essential part of a healthy relationship.
However to buy a gift, this does not take intelligence, caring, intimacy or
effort. What is the point if he doesn't love you? What is the
point if he is not willing to say this? Without articulating
this, things are just things. And ladies and gentleman, if you
are in a long distance relationship, this is the most critical
action you must take. Tell each other that you love each other,
and mean it. Tell each other you miss each other, that you are
thinking of each other and that you cannot wait to see each
other again. Remind her of what you find attractive and beautiful
about her.
Remind him you respect and admire him. As long as a man or woman
knows he or she is loved, appreciated and wanted temptation has
little chance. People do not wander when they feel
fulfilled within their relationship. They only cheat to
find that which is missing. You can never give too much love, only too
little. Those three words are better insurance than Lloyds of
London and ultimately the dividends surpass any policy or gift
you can give. TOP
THE NUMBER ONE ACTION SUSTAINING THE
RELATIONSHIP
To Paul's
credit, the number one element sustaining our relationship
consists of his nightly phone calls. His voice is the last
thing I hear each night and eleven to one now falls on my
schedule as his time and only his time. Truly I look forward to
these calls every night. When we first met in 2000, he got a
toll free number for me so I could call him anytime, anywhere
without incurring any cost on my side. Quite gentlemanly in my
opinion. A notorious girly-girl to all that know me, I like that
kind of thing.
SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT
Our
conversations allow us to talk, catch up on the little
day-to-day issues and feel a part of each other's life, even
though physically we remain apart. Generally our calls last a
little over an hour, which is more time then the average married
couple speaks to each other in the same house! In nearly four
years, we never run out of things to talk about. We talk about
important couple topics like what we thought or felt given the
days' circumstances, our analysis, the benefits or repercussions
given our respective companies, (we're both entrepreneurs,
authors and inventors), parenting issues, the future, our fears
and our dreams. We grumble about our Mothers' constant
pressure for grandchildren and dread the day they are in the
same room together, (We can handle one at a time but both
together, Mary, Mother and Joseph!). We speak about what we are
grateful for and we lament the time together we've lost due to
circumstance. TOP
Of late, Bill
O'Reilly constitutes our source of amusement. Prior to September
11th and shortly after, we were FOX fans and Bush supporters.
The network, administration and O'Reilly's exodus to the neocon
agenda provides us both with ample material to disseminate and
disprove nightly, a phenomenal release of frustration. Politics
is a passion for both of us, as we are advocates of small
government, complete personal accountability and an end of
propaganda, basically everything our government is supposed to
be but is not today.
We also spend a
lot of time talking about our faith and its similarity and
differences with other faiths. We are both Lutheran and our
doctrine strongly denounces dispensationalism, the driving
rationalism behind the current Middle East nightmare. Our faith is
central to our lives, one of the reasons copulation consists of
a footnote in our relationship, though his willpower acts
immensely more astute than mine. The part of Eve, I play
well. For us, understanding our faith and discussing its
impact on current events serves as a bellwether and BS monitor.
Much of what is happening today revolves
around faith misrepresentation of the three monotheistic faiths leading us to many discussions on
what the Bible, Torah, Talmud and Qu'ran really say versus how
each is being used to
justify immorality and more importantly, what we each can do to
stay true to our faith and not be misled. Current events have
actually forced us to become more faithful and rediscover our
core values while gaining an appreciation for the similarities
and differences of our cousin faiths, Judaism and Islam.
WHEN PHONES ARE A LUXURY
Phones are
critical, but what if your lover is serving in the military or
someplace where phones are a luxury? A friend of mine whose
husband is serving in Iraq uses satellite pagers. Since he
often cannot access a phone or e-mail, they text message back
and forth throughout the day. Though short and sweet, these
messages keep them acting as a team, a couple for the benefit of
their marriage and their children. She also writes a diary like
I described above and sends the books to him, with
pictures and drawings from the children as each is completed.
TOP
The reason I
bring up these subjects find origin from the multitude of
couples writing in saying they run out of subjects to talk about
and in a long distance relationship, talk whether written or
verbal, this is the relationship lifeline. Learning, a daily
process and God's blessing to humanity, always provides venues
of discussion, (what did you learn today about yourself, a
subject or a policy?) and each of these subjects finds their
origin in intellectual,
spiritual and
emotional intimacy. I'm
consistently amazed by how few couples discuss faith, politics,
sexuality, hopes and dreams. "Never discuss politics, religion
or sex" only applies to dating and casual encounters, not
intimate or close relationships and certainly not marriage. If
you cannot test your ideas on your significant other, how will
you ever be open to other points of view?
We all have
flaws in our logic from time to time as our logic formulates
through that which we experience and the knowledge we seek or
are exposed to. Paul and I discovered in this crazy world
buoyed by cognitive dissonance and exceedingly sowed and
nurtured hate, debating these issues fortifies each as the
other's Gibraltar of sanity, a safe place to speak, explore and
disseminate issues and clarify our principles and positions
without fear of ridicule or censorship. It also means the
freedom to tell each other "You're logic is flawed and this is
why…" without being offended or defensive. This too is a
blessing, to be criticized without feeling dismissed or
degraded. Such feelings can only occur between those of mutual
respect once trust ensues. The opportunity to develop this
trust-based intimacy, this becomes the true gift of a long
distance relationship.
CONCLUSION
In summary, to
make a long-distance relationship work requires one thing:
Communication. To keep it together requires attending to your
own physical and mental needs within the boundaries of your
relationship. I've given examples of how I deal with the
absence of sexuality and touch through distance. Perhaps our
readers will provide more we can share. It also requires
using the separation as an opportunity to deeply explore each
other's emotions, hopes, dreams, fears, beliefs and positions.
This time apart will either strengthen or weaken your
relationship. Which occurs depends upon you. <END>
TOP
Epilogue HAPPY ENDINGS
On December 27, 2004, the 4th Anniversary of Paul & Laura's meeting, he proposed with a ring he purchased 3 1/2 years ago for her. He'd known for over 3 years he'd marry her. She was sure about a year into the relationship. Why did he wait so long? He jokes she never pushed him to propose! The wedding is scheduled for early 2006. The couple were separated for 816 days, seeing each other just 3 times during that period with
the longest separation being 13 months. Today they live together in anticipation of their marriage. However, both are discovering the greatest challenge is not commitment to each other. It is compromise. Both are learning to live with each other, (He's Adrian Monk like the hit show "Monk" and she's more like Darma from "Darma & Greg") something a long distance relationships postpones...but that is another article! Whether it will be a tragedy or a comedy is yet to be determined:) Stay tuned! |
