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Next week I'll be thirty-eight and next year he'll be
fifty. Our mothers do have a point, even though he's already
given his Mom two grandchildren, boys today seventeen and
twenty-one from a previous marriage. My only prayer is I'll be a
mother before a grandmother!
TOP
My first long
distance relationship, neither strong nor fulfilling though at
the time I convinced myself I was twiterpated beyond belief,
lasted eleven months beginning over a separation of
three-thousand miles and ended within ten weeks of us both
moving to Los Angeles in 1996, for different reasons. He was in
the entertainment industry and I was in the media. It turned out
the idealism and fantasy we enjoyed in separate states and on
the occasional weekends he flew me out to South Carolina failed
the Litmus Test of close proximity with its day-to-day contact.
In retrospect
everything was wrong with this first relationship. We had
physical,
aesthetic and
recreational intimacy and based the
entire relationship on that and
sexual intimacy. The meat, the
substance of the relationship found in
intellectual,
spiritual
and emotional intimacy, never materialized. By the time we
split, he'd been cheating on me for six weeks with a girl he'd
met in a Hollywood nightclub, and she had already moved in with
him. As humiliating as the experience felt, the lessons of it
taught me well. These lessons serve as guidance today.
To understand
what makes a long-distance relationship work, you must also
understand what causes them to fail. Like any living entity,
and I do consider a relationship a living entity, it requires
care, consistent attention, openness, honesty and a will to
stick it out even when it gets tough. The physical affection
must be replaced with mental affection coupled with an openness
to reveal fears, hopes, joys and sadness unencumbered and raw.
These are the caresses, without substitute that sustain over
distance. TOP
THE HARDEST PART: NO TOUCH OR SEX
The hardest part
of distance revolves around sex and the absence of all touch,
which is sexual intimacy. When Paul asked me what I wanted to do
first upon arriving in Southern California last month, the
answer was easy: I wanted to lay on his lap on that big brown
couch, having him hold me, play with my hair and lightly caress
me while we watched movies. This is what I miss more than
anything else. Not sex, not going out, I missed lying on his lap
to watch movies. Surprised?
Finding
substitutes for sexual and intimate touch, the simplicity of
stroking your lover's hair, holding hands or snuggling on the
couch, even just flirting and being told you are beautiful or
desired, these impact and cannot be ignored. Seeking solutions
often manifests into a full-time job. Some people use exercise,
work and public activities for distraction, others like myself
seek other avenues of distraction and fulfillment. People,
regardless of age, ethnicity or sex need to be touched and those
with children in long-distance relationships enjoy an advantage
over those without. Though not sexual, hugs, kisses and
touching provide the contact with others and an outlet for
expressing love toward another a childless person must go
completely without. Children also provide a distraction and
positive outlet with reciprocal affirmations of affection.
When touch
evaporates, given time we gravitate toward those who give it.
Add a few mind-altering refreshments, and often we'll find
ourselves facing an activity for temporary relief that if acted
upon may destroy a
potential lifetime of happiness. For me, this has been the most
grueling and challenging part of being separated. Shortly after
arriving in Portland, I frequented clubs simply to be around
other people my age and talk. The absence of my LA based urban
tribe weighs heavily and I often feel quite lonely. I refer
jokingly to Portland as my own personal purgatory. My memories
of my teen years in this town fall short of ideal and even
shorter of happiness.
TOP
After a time, my
very flirtatious nature kicked in. Shortly thereafter I
realized, as long as my boyfriend resided so far away, if I were
to stay faithful, going out by myself eventually leads to
disaster. This must end. The men I flirted with held no
consequence. I saw only my lover in them and in reality it was
only he I wanted to be with. Still, I needed to be told I was
still attractive, still desirable, still sexy and let's face it,
still wanted. Distance often manifests in a pilferage of mind
games, strengthened by experience for those unfortunate victims
of prior infidelity. This craving of attention and affirmation
is a shortcoming of my own personality and insecurities, but a
need all the same. Finding a solution to this proved daunting.
Circumstances
kept us apart for thirteen months straight and then another nine
and now another five before we'll be together permanently. Old
boyfriends started looking really good, familiar and suddenly
very available. Any man in general started looking good. I
missed being held, being touched, going out, being treated like
a lady, enjoying male companionship and conversation, even the
irritating differences men bring to the table we women often
find annoying. I missed men, but mostly I missed him.
SOLVING THE ISSUES OF A TOUCH-STARVED
RELATIONSHIP
To solve the
touch factor, I treat myself to a full-body massage whenever I
can afford to. If finances are low, I pay the three extra
dollars at the nail salon for the ten-minute foot massage and
massaging chair or shoulder rub. I've also become addicted to
our
French Almond massage oil, which I used on him during our
last three-week visit. Massaging it into my legs and arms, it
creates a friction of heat and it is almost like he's touching
me. Then before going to bed and falling asleep, I cuddle up in
one of his shirts surrounded by the scent of our last encounter
and lots of pillows where his body should be. Silly yes, but I
find it comforting.
TOP
As for
sexuality, abstaining fully is not an option, at least for me.
I relish all aspects. Fortunately achieving such liberation
today does not require cheating. An electrical outlet, hand or
batteries and quickly the sexual tension paired with lascivious
intentions melt away. Though far better and more gratifying with
him, as a temporary fix these suffice and cure my wanderlust
intentions, while preventing me from seeking fulfillment
elsewhere.
Sex is big part
of a romantic relationship, though going all the way illustrates
a minute portion of sexuality. The trick to long distance
relationships revolves around keeping the sexuality, flirting
and innuendo alive…and not expecting too much when you finally
do see each other physically again!
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