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that down deep that we really don’t have what it takes to
achieve all our objectives and the fear that eventually we are
going to be exposed in this regard!
Some people can hide it better than others,
but take away their facades and soon it is apparent enough
that even the rich, famous, and beautiful are as subject to it
as the least of society.
A poetic expression of this universal feeling
is found in the inspired writing of Charles C. Finn called,
"Please, Hear What I’m Not Saying". It’s lengthy, so I’ve
abridged it here:
"Please Hear What I'm Not Saying"
"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be
fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them is
me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but
don't be fooled… Please don't be fooled. I give you the
impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled
with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name
and coolness my game; that the water's calm and I'm in
command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. My
surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no
complacence. Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and
fear of being exposed. That's why I frantically create a
mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade to help
me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows...
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone
you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am
every woman you meet."
My point in citing this poem is that we all
have self-doubts about our own worth. Whether it regards our
looks, our background, or whatever, everyone is insecure at
some place deep within them. But this perceived inferiority is
really just an illusion. And once we are able to see through
that, we can gain the confidence necessary to inspire others
to believe in us as well!
The Perception that You Have to be
Good
Looking to Win at Love
In spite of our better senses there is a
nagging suspicion down inside each of us that tells us our
hopes to ever win somebody really special in love is limited
by what we look like or how much money we have. In fact, if we
hadn’t had this conviction reaffirmed so often in our
experience, we would still try to rise above it. But sometimes
it all just seems so hopeless.
In 1975, Janis Ian sang,
"I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned
smiles
Who married young and then retired…"
It is only natural that the first thing that
comes to our minds when we are rejected in the pursuit of love
is that we aren’t "good looking" enough. What else could it
be? Usually the object of our pursuit hasn’t really had much
of a chance to get to know us yet – so obviously the rejection
must be based on some initial impression that we usually think
is visual.
And quite often, it is!!
Women, of course, are quite aware that men are
highly attracted to physical good looks. And the natural
conclusion of a woman being rejected is that somehow she
doesn’t meet up to his expectations.
The funny twist is that men often think the
same thing. Even though most women are really much less
superficial than a man and much more able to see past the
physical imperfections, the man doesn’t realize this. Since he
judges so much based on physical appearance he quite often
projects his values onto the woman and erroneously believes
that she sees him in the same way. This is truly a case where
"as a man judges, he is likewise judged", because whether or
not he is truly being rejected on physical grounds, he often
thinks that he is.
Still, women do judge on superficialities as
well as men. It’s just that they judge more on a man’s
possessions, and the power he seems to wield in society, more
than on physical appearance.
The Falsehood of that Belief: The Truth
Ah, but if people only knew the truth!
Although it is indeed the case that men initially size up a
woman based on their physical expectations, and women judge
men by the power they wield, the plain fact is that these are
NOT the ultimate deciding factors upon which true romantic
love is based! Even if you have not been blessed with these
extra endowments of life, you can still make decisions that
will empower you to win the One You Want!
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