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Continued...
The Light Dawns
“I don’t try hard
enough?”, I exclaimed incredulously when he told me the
news! How could I have tried any harder, I wondered. And
then I understood. It wasn’t that I didn’t try hard
enough, but that I didn’t try long enough. My whole
life I had been giving up prematurely.
My whole philosophy on love had
been based on the erroneous belief that people were either in
love with you or they weren’t. I thought it was just a matter
of finding out what their feelings for you were. It hadn’t
occurred to me that we have the capacity to win somebody’s
love over time. I had spent the majority of my time sending
up trial balloons, instead of just developing my
relationships!
So, it turned out, the problem
wasn’t being nice, after all. It was just being wimpy. It
was giving up at the first sign of adversity and discovery
that the One I Wanted wasn’t in love with me yet. It just so
happens that a lot of nice guys suffer from this same
syndrome: We tend to give up easy!
TOP
As I continued to observe
around me in the light of my new understanding, other things
became clear. Such as: Jerks have their own problems, as
well. In spite of the short term benefits, being a Jerk
doesn’t pay in the long run!
One very close friend from my
youth had grown increasingly selfish and self-centered as we
grew into our adult years. While I had struggled just to find
a date at times, he seemed to live a charmed life. He had a
stunningly beautiful girlfriend for many years that he
eventually had married. When I went to visit him at his home
on one occasion I was astounded at the hold he seemed to have
over her.
As we sat and visited he
literally, without looking up or breaking the stride of our
conversation, raised his hand and snapped his fingers. Within
seconds his wife had a cold drink in his hands. At the time I
witnessed this I could not imagine how he had ever been able
to cultivate such devotion in any person, much less a woman
such as he had who would be in great demand on the open
market.
TOP
But that was then. Time has a
way of exposing the errors of our ways, and I later witnessed
that same devoted wife turn and dump her husband in one
unexpected moment, an act from which she never turned back.
My friend was totally destroyed by her leaving him and, though
it was now many years ago, I am sure he has still not
recovered from the blow to this very day.
My lessons of experience and
observation began to accumulate over time, though, and I
eventually came to see that we truly do “reap as we sow”. All
chickens come home to rest, eventually.
I was single and dating well
into my thirties, and I have been married for over a decade
now, and I can say with conviction: Niceness does win out
in the end. Nice guys may finish last, but those who
finish last also finish best!
TOP
The Missing Key
Still, there are a few
remaining elements that need to be explained. Pure niceness
in itself is not enough to cultivate and win true love. It is
only part of the package.
What I ultimately came to know
is that true love is founded on the principles of a win/win
relationship. Love works best when both parties understand
that it is a process of both give and take.
Those who were selfish jerks
always operated on the premise that a relationship should be
win/lose, or just take.
On the other hand, many nice
guys make the mistake of thinking that a relationship can
succeed on the basis of being lose/win, or just give.
Nothing turns a person off quicker than someone who has a big
sign on his forehead that says “Go ahead. Use me!”
Neither of these situations
will produce the kind of lasting love we all yearn for. As a
close friend of mine was flying somewhere on one occasion, he
overheard a conversation between a stewardess and an obviously
single young woman on the same flight.
“Yeah,” the stewardess was
agreeing with her fellow single, “after awhile you get tired
of the jerks…but the nice guys are just so boring!”
TOP
Putting It All Together
So, having said all this,
what’s a nice guy to do? How can he have the benefits of
adoration that come to the jerks and yet remain a caring and
considerate person? Remember these points:
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Jerks aren’t loved for their
meanness. They are desired because of the challenge they
present, their elusiveness and their apparent independence.
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At the same time, nice guys
aren’t detested for their consideration and compassion.
They are “boring” because they so often are emotionally weak
and needy.
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If you can somehow combine
the independent boldness of the jerks with the caring
attitude of the nice guys, you’ll find that you’ve stumbled
upon a winning combination.
The way to do this is to go on
being nice, but show that you can survive very well without
having someone. Show the emotional strength that says, “I may
be interested, but I can be very happy in my life with or
without you!”
TOP
This combination of qualities
will win any heart you want, over time. Yes, it does take a
little while and that is where endurance comes into play. But
like the fable of the race between the tortoise and the hare,
it is the slow, sure method that bring you victory in the end.
You can win the One You
Want! And you don’t have to be a jerk in doing so. You just
have to make up your mind to be strong enough to go on being
nice and showing that you’re really unfazed by someone’s
rejection of you in the interim. In the long run, it is the
independent and strong nice guy who not only wins the
one he wants, but keeps her as well!!
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