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One of the younger women present was a
fairly new bride of a year or two. She was married to a man
who, all the women agreed, was a “stud”.
I had seen him myself, on occasion,
when he had come to visit his wife at the office. Handsome as
a movie star, bright, educated, and well-mannered, he appeared
to me to be everything any young woman could ever hope for
when looking for a companion with whom to share her life.
Once we got on our trip, I got an
earful. The women who were with us were anxious to hear more
about how she had caught such a prize, and I was privileged to
“listen in”. Sure enough, she told us, her husband had had
plenty of women after him in his premarital life. And true to
the typical male pattern, he had “been around” – and plenty!!
She could hardly understand herself why
he had chosen her. But one fact stood out. She made it clear
that she had held one value above even getting him. Somewhere
along the way she had had it instilled in her to marry as a
virgin, and she was determined to do so even if it meant
losing him.
TOP
I tell you from my perspective as a man
that the young woman was pretty, but that wasn’t her most
attractive quality. Her greatest quality was her stubborn
determination to be accepted on her own terms, and one of
those terms was she wasn’t going to bed with a man until
they were married.
I don’t know where she had gotten such
determination – I didn’t detect from that or any subsequent
conversation I ever took part in with her that she had any
particular religious motivations. It was simply a matter of,
in her heart, she didn’t feel right giving herself to a man
sexually until he committed his life to her in full – and
there was only one way that would ever be fulfilled: at the
marriage altar!
The ironic moment of her revelation to
us of this, though, was that when she told us this, she
stopped, blushed a moment, and then begged us, “Please, you
guys, don’t ever tell anyone this… Don’t ever tell anyone
that I was a virgin when my husband and I got
married!!”
TOP
I was stunned for a moment when I heard
her say this. Not because I was surprised that her husband
would prefer her above all the many girls whose bodies he
could have for the asking, but because she was embarrassed
by her virginity!!
She didn’t seem to understand that her
determination to hold onto her values against his persuasion
to give in, only made her more irresistible to him! She
thought she had won him in spite of her values, when
indeed it was those values that were responsible for her
victory! Had she given into his proddings before they got
married, she would have merely wound up one of his many
discarded conquests along the way.
It is this kind of distorted thinking
that is keeping women in subjection to man, rather than in
partnership with him! The lie is so pervasive in our society
that my little social worker friend actually thought she
was in the wrong for wanting marriage before sex! And she
was actually ashamed of it, when she should have been proud!
Her experience illustrates, in spite of
this though, how a woman can keep a man on her line even
without engaging in sexual relations with him. Usually, when
the woman is servicing the man it’s the other way around. The
man is the one keeping the woman on a string for many years in
the vain hope that someday he’s going to commit and marry her.
TOP
The main trick to keep in mind as a
woman, though, is simply not to kowtow or act apologetic in
the process of holding out for what you want and deserve – a
marriage vow. A woman has more power than she knows, but in
most cases the man has intimidated her into thinking she does
not.
When a man thinks you mean what you
say, he respects you for it. Yes, the addict within him will
become desperate and perhaps turn to another source for his
fix for awhile. But the more noble soul within him will
admire you all the more and he will feel himself drawn back to
you, in the process. He certainly will be no closer to
marrying his substitute fix, but he will be closer to
marrying you, just like the runaround stud who wound up
marrying our little virgin social worker!
Turning the Tables on Him
One couple with whom I was intimately
acquainted (having known each of them before they even knew
each other) found themselves in just such a situation as I am
describing. She was frustrated because he wouldn’t marry
her. But neither would he leave her alone. And so they went
on for years caught in limbo, he in his physical addiction for
sex and she in her hopeless dream that someday he would marry
her.
TOP
I told her she needed to cut him off
(for the good of them both – it would make him respect her and
bring him to his senses), but she didn’t have the strength to
do it at first.
But then one day she actually got angry
enough that she did it! She broke off their relationship and
would have nothing to do with him.
At the end of the first week I saw him
and asked how he was doing. He told me that he (of course)
missed her a little bit but that overall he was just
“relieved” to not have the pressure on him anymore.
By the end of the second week, though,
he had become deeply depressed. His life didn’t look so good
anymore and he had a new-found respect for her that he had
never ever felt before.
When the end of the third week rolled
around, though, he had become desperate. He wanted her back,
only this time it wasn’t just for the sex. He wanted her,
and I sincerely believe it was because he saw for the first
time that she was strong enough to live happily without him
and that he would never have her again without paying the
uttermost farthing.
Principle two: True PASSION is the
result of wanting what you can’t have. It motivates the One
You Want to overcome the commitment obstacle so common to all.
He begged her for months to
marry him before she finally agreed. But marry they did, and
it was on win/win terms at last. Two happier people I have
never seen than when they finally scaled this final obstacle. TOP
Samson’s Hair
For those of you who may already be
caught in this trap and wondering if there is a way out, know
that there is a way. The question naturally arises, “How can
one retrieve lost virtue once it is gone?” Is there any hope
to still win a man once having fallen prey to his lies and
having lost his respect?
The answer is yes, you can still get
your virtue back, your integrity back, and your power to still
win the man you want. Virtue is not restricted to virginity
alone. The minute you stop compromising your values
and begin being true to the voice within, emotional
empowerment begins to grow within you until you once again
have reached a state of strength and equality with the man.
It takes time, but the fact is you can be strong again. As
Forrest Gump would say, “virtue is as virtue does”.
TOP
The story of Samson is instructive in
this case. Do you remember how Samson the Israelite was
promised that he would have supernatural strength, so long as
he maintained the Nazarite vow to never cut his hair? This
was all well and good, until he fell for Delilah’s betrayal
and foolishly revealed to her the source of his strength.
That very night his hair was shorn and enemies fell upon the
weakened man, placing him in chains.
That would have been the end of the
story, except for one thing. Over a period of time,
Samson’s hair grew back. Since it happened so gradually,
nobody really noticed until one night Samson was chained to
two pillars and he had the strength to bring down the house
wherein he was held captive and extract his revenge on all
present therein.
In a similar way you, too, can regain
your true feminine power, even if you’ve had your virtue shorn
through treachery and betrayal. Samson’s secret was to just
not let his hair get cut again. Your secret is to stop
allowing yourself to be physically used. The return of your
virtue will not be instantaneous, but will gradually become
stronger one day at a time.
As I said in the beginning, this
article may not be for everybody. But if you have ever found
yourself questioning the propriety of premarital sexual
relations for you, rest assured: You can get a man to
the altar without going to bed with him first! In fact, it
might be your only hope of doing so. END |
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