MARRIAGE: Take 2

My ex started a new relationship before we were even finished.  They are moving into a new home he purchased for them, though he refused to do that with me.  I’m resentful that he’s willing to do so much to make his new relationship work.  I couldn’t take his abuse, I gave it all I had, almost my life.  But oh! those good times were SO good.  Help!  Is another relationship the cure? 

Haunted (F) 36
Victoria, British Columbia

Dear Haunted:

The brain is a funny organ.  Psychologists have found that most of us tend to remember the good times more readily than the bad ones.  Depressed people, though, ruminate endlessly and pointlessly over what went wrong in the past as well as what’s wrong in their lives now.  That’s one of the reasons they stay depressed.  Sounds like you’re dealing with a challenging one-two combo: you keep recalling the good moments from a bad marriage, while you focus uselessly on what’s imperfect about anyone you date.  Plus you still aren’t over the fact that your husband left you.  Sounds like you’re very much still living in the past – a past that had become mainly rotten, by all accounts. TOP

You’ve only actually been divorced for a year, and it sometimes takes longer than that to fully process something as traumatic as what you’ve been through.  Soon, though, it will really be time to move on, for your son’s sake at the very least, and I’d try hard to get over those festering resentments.  So what if your ex bought a house for his new lover?  That doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive to her like he was to you.  But if he’s learned his lesson and is finally being a good partner, then look at the bright side – he’s going to be a much better model for your son now.  You can’t go back and relive the past differently.  The unique dynamic between the two of you was very very bad, no matter how hard YOU tried.  You said so yourself.  I believe you, so why can’t you believe yourself?!  You’re still carrying a lot of baggage.  What you’re describing is obsessive: thinking about those few good times no matter what else you’re trying to think about.  You’re wasting your life imagining a fantasy that was very intermittent, and what came in-between shouldn’t happen to a dog.  Not even a very bad dog.  A skilled therapist might be able to help you move on and get more ready for a new relationship.

TOP

Articles
By Dr. Susan
 

Loving in Flow:

How the Happiest Couples Get that Way
and Stay that Way!
 

Playing
Smart:

 The Family Guide to Enriching, Offbeat Learning Activities for Ages 4 to 14

Check out
CC's exclusive gift stores:

Wife
Store

Hubby
Store

Romance
Store

Seduction
Store