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Dear Guilty Mom: I appreciate
how sad you are that your marriage hasn’t worked out. You want
the best for your children and divorce isn’t what you had in
mind. However, you need to rethink what is happening. Instead of
a broken family, how about a reorganized family? Words have a
power. Parents don't divorce their children; parents divorce each
other. Divorce is the dissolution of the
legal contract between a married couple. It means the
transforming of a family, not the ending of the family.
When parents separate, their family isn’t broken.
Children still have parents. Parents still have
children. Everyone still needs each other. Instead of
thinking of the family as being broken, it is better to
think of the family as reorganizing.
How parents handle the changes that occur in
reorganizing will have a direct effect on how well the children
and parents faire after the separation. While change is often
difficult, it doesn’t have to be destructive.
Numerous
studies have shown that when parents continue to fight over
their children, the result is that the children have multiple
adjustment problems. However, when parents are civil towards and
work together in raising their children, the children can turn
out as well as those from intact families. Divorce shouldn't be
taken lightly as an easy solution to marital conflict. But in
some cases divorce is far less destructive to children than if
the parents stay together.
TOP
A necessary
part of family reorganization is to plan for how you are going
to take care of your children. A detailed parenting plan becomes
an absolute necessity. You need a plan that reflects the best
interest of your children. Who is going to do what and when? Who
is going to pay for everything the child needs?
When parents
live together, this type of planning takes place routinely.
Without a plan there will be cracks the children fall into.
Obviously, anticipating child custody issues ahead of time is
critical. By carefully planning how they will share their
responsibility, parents can avoid future misunderstandings and
conflict. A well thought-out and solid parenting plan developed
early in the separation process will go a long way towards
reducing conflict down the road.
TOP
A good plan
becomes a living blueprint that both parents can follow, update
when needed and use as a point of reference when they have
differences of opinion. A well-developed plan also serves as a
tiebreaker when parents disagree, and thus reduces conflict and
improves the chances of increasing happiness for everyone
involved. The parenting plan is a document that can be revised
and brought up to date as the children grow and as other family
changes need to be addressed.
There are
many important questions when planning how to care for your
child after the reorganization of your family. Who will make
what decisions? How will you share time with your child? How can
you balance your timeshare and still allow your child to
participate in life-enhancing activities? How will your child’s
emotional, spiritual, physical, educational, medical and social
needs be met? How will your child’s expenses be paid and by
whom? A well thought-out parenting plan will help you figure out
who is going to do what and when in caring for your child. Start
with an outline and expand it as you think of the specific needs
of your child. TOP
One result
of careful planning is fewer mistakes. The parenting plan
enhances understanding between a child’s parents and encourages
discussion. It is a baseline that you can use to document your
understandings. It keeps you – not a stranger – in the position
of making decisions about your child’s life.
Sometimes it
is tempting to turn over difficult decisions to someone else, to
somebody who is an "authority," such as an attorney or judge.
However, the overwhelming consensus of people who have
experienced having someone else decide how to care for their
child is that it is very troubled at best. No one else loves or
understands your children like you do. A person who is a perfect
stranger to you and your family will never be able to figure out
things better than you can.
Feelings of
anger and hurt can be overwhelming. These feelings are normal;
however, when acted upon negatively they can be devastating to
everyone, especially to a child. No one wants this. It is too
painful.
Jayne A.
Major, Ph.D. TOP
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