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Why Men Use Porn


with Dr. Mark

Comments by Couples Company Chief Editorial Officer, Laura Dawn Lewis

A Woman's Point of View

When iVillage ran a similar article on this subject five years ago, they received and posted over 500 pages of comments from women; most were very angry.  This surprised me because I never realized so many women are threatened by the thought of their husband looking at the picture of a naked woman.

I've bought boyfriends subscriptions to Playboy because there are several good articles in each issue and it often provides insight into the way men think and what is important to them. The pictures also provide inexpensive models. As an artist, I've grown up studying the naked bodies of both men and women. True, there is tasteful and not tasteful, and like many I do take exception to overt sexual acts displayed in print or close-ups on private parts.  I do appreciate beauty and I thing the human body is quite beautiful.  Most of the men's girly magazines I can't stomach. Playboy is about as hardcore as I'll go.

How I deal with this:

I've discovered the more tolerant of my guy's need to see, the less the man in my life seems to want it.  I'd be more worried if he showed no interest at all.  Men are biologically programmed to respond to visual sexual stimulation. The way I deal with it is I make a game out of it.  If I catch him, I get to tease him and sometimes I'll ask what he finds attractive about her.  Usually, it has nothing to do with what I think.  This accomplishes a few things.  First I learn a little more about him, what he likes and what he doesn't.  Secondly, it lets him know I'm not threatened and that I find his male behavior ingratiating.  Third, I file it away.  Some day I might use that action or trait in a story. Thousands of years of instinct are inherent in his "need" to see.  Ninety-eight percent of men admit to masturbating at least once a week, most do it daily.  I don't see a point in fighting it.  It's a losing battle and I've got more important things to worry about.

Women generally don't buy magazines portraying naked men because sexual stimulus to women is derived more from touch and thought.   Seduction with women is mental, which is one reason many women find a man's interest in pornography for self-gratification to be disgusting.  Women fantasize and create an entire scenario within their heads.  Men look at a picture and concentrate solely on the action.

True, the Bible does say that even to look at a woman, (or man if your female) sexually that is not your spouse is committing adultery.  Unfortunately it is also instinct. The book of Matthew also suggests that you remove your eyes should they cause you to look lasciviously at any woman other than your wife.  We'd be extinct as a species if we all followed this guidance.

Male Ammunition:

As a woman, the outrage voiced by many women over stag magazines or movies I find hypocritical. There is a double standard here gentlemen and a woman's holier than thou attitude can be quickly smashed.  Women have their own form of Playboy and we use it right in front of you. It's not as visible or as easily attacked.  Women use romance novels. The written descriptions buried in these are of overt sexual acts and quite explicit.  If she tries to hide behind piety, the Bible contains some of the sexiest passages on record. Women also use songs like Tonight's the Night by Rod Stewart or Miracles by Jefferson Starship.  Sammy Hagar nailed it in his song Heavy Metal when he talked about mental masturbation.  That's how women consume porn, mentally and carefully hidden in the pages of romance.  Women have virtual affairs.  Men have virtual quickies.  Men look at a picture to fantasize; women do so within their minds guided by the written word.   

Where is the harm in this?  You tell us, pro or con.  Read  Porn Widow's plight and Dr. Mark's answer on the following , then tell us what you think.  We'll begin posting a selection  of your responses in the right side bar as we receive them. 

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Now for, "Porn Widows Plight":
 
Dear Dr. Mark,

I have been trying to talk to my partner about his pornography addiction for two years now. He defends its use as being only for personal pleasure. He also says he can't masturbate without it and that the intimacy he has with me is the "real" thing. The fact that he does this is ironic because he follows a spiritual path whose sacred law is that nothing shall be done to harm the women and children. We have an 8-month-old daughter now and I don't want to hide anything from her as she grows up, yet this seems like a sordid secret. Would he be able to live with himself if his daughter came to him one day and said, "Hey Dad, I want to be a pornography star"? In the meantime, it's hurting me. When I make love with him, I'm flooded by all these images and I get sick to my stomach. Even though he's tried to tell me that I'm his "Number-One Goddess," I don't believe him. When we're out, I can't help thinking that he's undressing every woman he meets. HELP!

PORN WIDOW in Portland




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