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Dr. Joan's book on sexual technique, flirtation and fun. |
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The Sensuality
Series is specifically written to deal with difficulties
speaking about Sex and attaining Orgasm for women.
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This Month's
Q&A |
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Dear Dr. Joan
"I have a difficult time talking
about sex with my partner. Do you have any suggestions?"
Tongue Tied
F (29)
Trinidad, West Indies |
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When it is difficult to say what you need to say. |
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Dear Tongue Tied:
I encourage you to talk
with your partner. Whether or not partners are having sex, they may rarely talk about it.
Often people assume that as long as sexual problems aren't discussed, they don't exist.
Wrong -- although talking about sex can be an emotional charge.
Unless you communicate, nothing can change.
Why should you talk about sex with your
partner?
- More intimacy
- A deeper connection
- Increased pleasure
If you are going to have sex, enjoy it to the fullest.
During sex, what many of us do to our partners is based on what we like and vice versa. We
are both trying to give each other pleasure, but what often ends up happening is that they
get what we want and we get what they want. This may not be a satisfying experience. What
could your partner do for you that would turn you on more and give you more pleasure?
TOP |
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Action
Plan: Open Up Sexual Communication Step One:
List 10-15 Favorite Sensual/Sexual Activities
Both you and your partner should individually write a list of 10-15 sensual/sexual
activities that make you feel good and turn you on during lovemaking. Then discuss your
list with each other, one item at a time.
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Step Two:
Share How Each Item Makes You Feel
Explain how each
item makes you feel -- more turned on, sexier, more in control, more loved, more
intimately connected. This is a fun topic for conversation, especially when it becomes
foreplay. Begin by asking your partner to include one or two of the items from your list
in your lovemaking and do the same for your partner. The result is more pleasure for you
both, a win/win situation.
If you're really shy about talking, try writing
the items on index cards and make a game out of it: Go Fish Anyone?
TOP
Step
Three:
Share How Often You Would Like Sexual Contact
Share with your
partner how often you like having sexual intercourse. Each of us has different sexual needs and desires. If you
want sex more frequently than he does, what else can he do to fulfill your desires? Can he
kiss you or massage you?
Perhaps you may need to self-love more often. If he wants sex more often than you,
how can you contribute to the pleasure he desires? Perhaps verbalize his favorite
fantasies as he masturbates. Maybe have phone sex.
Extra shy? Post-it notes with this question
and answer affixed within your partner's wallet are a sexy and intriguing way to
communicate the answer and he/she will be thinking about it all day long!
TOP
Some items which might be on your list
include:
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Have your partner serve sensuous food
in a romantic environment, perhaps with candlelight and soft music.
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Picnic in a secluded place where you
can "make-out" in nature.
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Have your partner kiss you on the neck
-- an erogenous zone for many women.
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Share a night where you just kiss and
fondle without intercourse. Remember how hot this was when you were younger?
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Enjoy a relaxing full-body massage.
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Spend an evening just pleasuring
yourself without a focus on reciprocity.
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Use a vibrator or other adult
"toys" to bring yourself to climax.
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Take a few minutes now to remember what
turns you on or what most pleases you. What has your partner done in the past that you
liked? What parts of your body do you like massaged and pleasured? What would you consider
a perfect romantic time together?
Now that you know what you want, you
can do something about it.
Good Luck, Dr. Joan
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Comments?
Tell Us What You Think!
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Sexuality Expert
Larry James'
latest book
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How to Really Love the One
You're With!:
Affirmative Guidelines for a
Healthy Love Relationship |
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& Larry's Book
Covering Sexual Communication and Technique:
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Sexy
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EMAIL
this ARTICLE to a friend
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Having a problem talking
about sex with your partner?
So did I.
In fact I was so
shy I never said anything. Proper young ladies don't talk
about sex I thought. The problem was, I would do the
act and not enjoy it because my needs were not being met.
Once I became fed up with this, I found a way out. As
a former spokesperson and expert public speaker, I knew how
to read a script. I couldn't say the words to him but
I could read them. This was when I began writing the
Sensuality
Series.
By writing down
in story format what I wanted and liked, I was able to
communicate with my partner what I wanted by reading stories
to him. I read my stories and many of the short
stories by DH Lawrence I found sexy. Suddenly my sex
life became an adventure and he instinctively tried out the
little tricks and moves I wrote about. One story
particularly called
The Last
Resort
deals with pain
and frustration of having difficulty attaining orgasm.
Once we read that story together and acted it out, this was
no longer a difficulty.
Laura Dawn
Lewis
CEO, Couples Company
and Author of the Sensuality Series.
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