Dear Tongue Tied:

I encourage you to talk with your partner. Whether or not partners are having sex, they may rarely talk about it. Often people assume that as long as sexual problems aren't discussed, they don't exist. Wrong -- although talking about sex can be an emotional charge.
Unless you communicate, nothing can change.

Why should you talk about sex with your partner?

• More intimacy
• A deeper connection
• Increased pleasure

If you are going to have sex, enjoy it to the fullest. During sex, what many of us do to our partners is based on what we like and vice versa. We are both trying to give each other pleasure, but what often ends up happening is that they get what we want and we get what they want. This may not be a satisfying experience. What could your partner do for you that would turn you on more and give you more pleasure? TOP

Step Two:
Share How Each Item Makes You Feel

Explain how each item makes you feel -- more turned on, sexier, more in control, more loved, more intimately connected. This is a fun topic for conversation, especially when it becomes foreplay. Begin by asking your partner to include one or two of the items from your list in your lovemaking and do the same for your partner. The result is more pleasure for you both, a win/win situation.

If you're really shy about talking, try writing the items on index cards and make a game out of it: Go Fish Anyone? TOP

Step Three:
Share How Often You Would Like Sexual Contact

Share with your partner how often you like having sexual intercourse. Each of us has different sexual needs and desires. If you want sex more frequently than he does, what else can he do to fulfill your desires? Can he kiss you or massage you?
Perhaps you may need to self-love more often. If he wants sex more often than you, how can you contribute to the pleasure he desires? Perhaps verbalize his favorite fantasies as he masturbates. Maybe have phone sex.

Extra shy?  Post-it notes with this question and answer affixed within your partner's wallet are a sexy and intriguing way to communicate the answer and he/she will be thinking about it all day long!  TOP

Some items which might be on your list include:

1. Have your partner serve sensuous food in a romantic environment, perhaps with candlelight and soft music.

2. Picnic in a secluded place where you can "make-out" in nature.

3. Have your partner kiss you on the neck -- an erogenous zone for many women.

4. Share a night where you just kiss and fondle without intercourse. Remember how hot this was when you were younger?

5. Enjoy a relaxing full-body massage.

6. Spend an evening just pleasuring yourself without a focus on reciprocity.

7. Use a vibrator or other adult "toys" to bring yourself to climax.

8. Take a few minutes now to remember what turns you on or what most pleases you. What has your partner done in the past that you liked? What parts of your body do you like massaged and pleasured? What would you consider a perfect romantic time together?

Now that you know what you want, you can do something about it.

 Good Luck, Dr. Joan
 

TOP

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