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I know that our love is deeper than just this
simple release, but I feel so sad about it. It is certainly
affecting how I feel about myself as a lover and person. I am not
very out of shape; not over weight and I eat pretty well. I would
very much appreciate some insight into how others deal with this
issue as I am feeling very alone with it.
Thanks
Cidsay (F) 48
Boston, MA
Together 10 years
Dear Cidsay:
If you were a client, I would ask you many
questions, including your medical history; did you ever have an
orgasm with your husband or by yourself through self-pleasuring?
Since I can’t ask these questions, I’ve
provided some general suggestions.
Many women are affected by low sexual desire or
our desire can decrease as we approach menopause. Try an herbal
sexual formula that enhances sexual desire and pleasure, such as
Sahdara. Or see
your medical doctor for a hormone test. You may need more
testosterone; it feeds the libido in both men and women.
TOP
You, as millions of other women do, may need
more intense clitoral stimulation in order to achieve an orgasm. I
rarely had an orgasm until I added a vibrator to my lovemaking. Now,
I have an orgasm every time. The research done at UCLA’s Female
Sexual Health Medicine Center has confirmed this.
I suggest that you practice - what fun practice
- with the vibrator by yourself. The Hitachi Magic Wand is
the staple and it is also useful for relieving muscle tension in the
neck and other areas, so it is not just a prophylactic.
TOP
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Set up a romantic environment, just for
yourself: music, aromatherapy and turn off the phone.
Remember the hottest sexual experience you ever had or your
fantasy one - sexual stimulation begins in your mind.
Massage lubricant onto your clitoris. Practice with the
vibrator, varying the speed and the amount of pressure. You
may need to try several vibrators until you find the right
one for you.
Once you determine what adds more
pleasure or brings you to orgasm - introduce the vibrator
into your lovemaking. Some men may feel threatened. So
during foreplay, use the vibrator to give him a massage;
then massage yourself: your breasts, inner thighs and then
finally your clitoris. |
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Keep him involved in your pleasure. He needs to
feel safe and that he is still the center of your sexual universe.
TOP
Dealing with the psychological issues is more
difficult. Personally I recommend both of you spend a few sessions
with a sexual therapist to talk about the issues and come up with a
game plan. If you are like most women, you are afraid to tell your
husband because you think it will hurt him. Overwhelmingly in
the Couples Company poll: "Would you want your wife or girlfriend
to tell you if she was faking orgasm?", the
men say yes.
Men are problem solvers and this is one problem
that can be rather fun to solve. He can't help you solve
it if he doesn't know it exists. My suggestion would be to show your
husband the letter you wrote in to us, (It clearly shows you love
him very much) and ask for his help in solving this. You may
want to also print out the article
Why Women
Fake Orgasm to make it easier to talk about the issue.
Realize the solution does not come overnight.
Dealing with the anxiety (Why is it taking me so long?), the fear
(I'll never be able to do this) and the nervousness, (Now that he
knows about it, what if we can't fix this?), learning some
relaxation techniques are also recommended. Couples Company
has the following articles dealing with sexual fitness.
Yoga is a
great way to relax and improve flexibility.
Pilates increase
sexual performance and
Kegel exercises help strengthen the muscle which excites
orgasms.
TOP
Couples Company's CEO Laura Dawn Lewis also had
this problem about twelve years ago when her fiancé at the time
threatened to leave if she didn't figure it out. The way she
solved it involved using a combination of
sensual and erotic massage and slowing him down considerably.
She actually illustrates the entire technique and addresses the fear
and pain women experience with this in her story "The
Last Resort" from
Sensuality
Volume One. Though the characters and scenario in the
story are purely fictitious, the action sequences are based on a
true story and illustrate in narrative how she overcame the orgasm
barrier. The story was specifically written to help other men
and women with this issue.
I also provide a number of stimulating ideas
in. “Recipes for Hot Sex - a
book for a spicy sex life…Just Add Love”.
My wish for you: Health, Happiness and Hot Sex!
Dr. Joan
E-books dealing with Orgasm
(download now) unless otherwise indicated.
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