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  PRINT ACTION PLAN
 
Overcoming Sexual Guilt: Action Plan
By Dr. Joan Irvine
Couples Company Expert on Sexuality
 

Step 1

Example:

Column 1: My husband will think I'm a slut if I ask to be tied up
  Sit in a quite private place.  Draw three columns on a sheet of paper and make a list on the left column of the paper of the internal messages you are saying to yourself regarding sexuality and practices.  Set it aside and don't touch it for a day.  This will give you an opportunity to really think about the issues so your answers on day two will be forthright.

 

Step 2

Column 2: No, (I don't believe this is true) or Yes, (This is true)

 
  Take the list out.  Look at each item in the left column.  In the center column answer yes or no if you really believe this is true.

Step 3

Column 3:

This is true because my husband has never expressed an interest in it so he must think it's bad

or.

This is not true because I now I am not a slut and I think it would be exciting to not be able to move while he pleases me.

 
  In the third column, if you answered no to the observation, state why you think you would like to try this.  Think about the worse case scenario of what would happen if you tried it and didn't like it and the reward you would get if you tried it and did like it.

If you answered yes, you really believed this to be true, examine why you think this is true and write down the best and worse case scenarios.

Step 4

Examining where the message is really coming from

 
  Examine your answers again.  Are they really your answers or is it a little voice in your head playing back messages from your mother, church, friends or society? 

Step 5

Communicating your desires and fears metaphorically or literally to your partner:

Example: Watching a movie, you see a naked woman sitting in a chair with a blind fold and her lover is caressing her with feathers.  As this is happening you could say, "I wonder what that feels like" and see how your partner responds. 

  Share your chart with your partner.   There are two ways to do this, literally or metaphorically.

Literally means you sit down with your partner and discuss what you've written.  This is true intimacy because you are opening yourself up to him/her and allowing your partner to know something new and very personal about you.  There is also a possibility of rejection.

Metaphorically means you choose an erotic story, movie or other third party interpretation and casually comment on activities that interest you to see how our partner reacts to the idea.  This is a lower risk method for dealing with the situation if literally discussing makes you nervous.
 

  • Keep in mind that sex is a very personal activity.  What one person is comfortable with may not be right for another. You can always start something and stop if it doesn't feel right or hurt.

  • Every person has his/her boundaries, define your boundaries first to yourself.   Know where you stand (the steps above will help you do this). Then explore just how far you can go before your partner indicates you've reached his or hers.

  • Realize that Guilt serves only purpose: prevention through restriction and fear. Ask yourself: Is it really guilt you feel or is it fear of rejection for wanting to try something new?

  • Acknowledge that the worst that can happen is your partner says no or decides he/she doesn't like having his/her toes sucked on after all.  On the other hand, a new technique or adventure may usher in one of the most exciting intimate nights of your life. A potential 'No' or 'Didn't like that' is really a small price to pay for that kind of pay-off!

  • Take it slow.  Try little low risk activities first like grabbing your partners behind in an elevator and giving him a kiss at the same time if you've never done that before and gradually escalate to more risky adventures like blind folds, whipping cream and dildos. 

  • Have fun and realize that it's not the end of the world if your partner is less than enthusiastic.  Most likely, you'll be surprised to find out he or she may have had the same thought but was too afraid to bring it up. 

Of course, Guilt has its purposes. Save it for the next time you forget to send a Mother's Day card because she definitely won't let you forget that you forgot.

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