Friends with Benefits
Profit or Loss?
By Tina B. Tessina, PhD
Steady lay, bed buddies, the back-up plan, guy/gal on the side or friends with benefits (FWB), it's the catchword of the new millennium. There is even a Hollywood movie about it. The idea is appealing. You're already friends. You enjoy each others company. Your both single and it seems safe and in some ways smart. After all, it's a lot less risky than one night stands, quick affairs and hooking up with someone you meet at a party. Of course there is also taking the edge off. If you know you've got someone on the side for sex, you can take it slow when you meet someone who is relationship material. Why should you forego a satisfying sex life just because your single? You deserve it, right?
If you’re thinking about having sex with a friend, be very careful. It is not easy to preserve a friendship once you have sex. We think we can control our feelings, but it's not so simple. Often our feelings end up controlling us.
If one of you becomes romantically attached as a result of the sex, the friendship will probably not survive.
If you've done it before, and you know you can keep your feelings in check, you might be successful. But what about your friend? Are you sure he or she is aware of his or her own feelings and motives? There are two people in this relationship, remember?
Think about it in advance and talk about it a lot:
a) Are you going to keep dating others while you're doing this FWB thing?
b) What if one of you falls in love with someone else?
c) What if you just want out of the deal after a while?
d) What if only one of you falls in love, instead of remaining friends?
Keep talking throughout the FWB arrangement It sounds a lot more fun and easier than it really is.
Some BENEFITS of Friends with Benefits are:
- Being able to have sex with someone you know, rather than a stranger.
- It's comfortable, you don't risk rejection by someone new.
- It's easier than finding someone new
The DISADVANTAGES are:
- It could be the end of the friendship.
- One person (usually the woman) could fall in love, while the other (usually the man) doesn't want to pursue more of a relationship.
- It may keep you from finding a real relationship, because you're too comfortable to look.
THE MAN in Friends with Benefits
For men, FWB is what they want: sex without responsibility. They also tend to take it for granted, and still be attracted to other women.
Most males have fantasies about having all the women they want. Friends with benefits give him the opportunity to get regularly serviced and still play the field.
THE WOMAN in Friends with Benefits
Women's fantasies are about a monogamous relationship. Women, on the other hand, tend to become emotionally attached when they have sex. It's the primary means of bonding. Men also become emotionally attached, but they don't want to know they are. That's why they often don't realize they feel something for someone until that person is gone.
WHEN IT BECOMES MORE THAN FOR ONE OF YOU
If you start to develop feelings for your 'friend with benefits', pay attention! Don't ignore them. Let your partner know, and watch his or her reaction. If you don't get a positive response, cut off the sex. That's the way to see if the other person is also emotionally attached or not. Don't languish in a friends-with-benefits relationship when you want more. If he or she suddenly meets someone else and marries, you'll be devastated.
Maintaining this type of relationship is not easy for anyone. It only seems easy at the beginning. My office is full of people who had their hearts broken this way. Older people tend to be a little wiser and more cautious about it than younger people, but all ages get hurt.
Don't let things develop on their own. Definitely talk about it beforehand, or as soon as possible. You need to establish that the friendship is important to both of you, and you don't want to ruin it. You also need to talk about feelings, to open that subject for future discussion.
If you want to turn a friendship into a full-on relationship, and you’re serious about it, then you need to talk about that too. Your friendship will be altered forever when you have sex for the first time. You have things to lose here, and things to gain.
Make some agreements, discuss the above questions, and keep talking about it.
But what if you're in a FWB relationship and you realize you want out.
ENDING A FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS RELATIONSHIP
If you want to cut off the sex, you need to explain why you're doing it.
"I'm developing deeper feelings for you, and since you don't seem to return them, I have to stop having sex with you. I'd like to still be friends." Or, "I can't even be your friend for a while, because I'm grieving."
It is possible that if he especially does have feelings for you, and just hasn't admitted it, the time off will leave him with a sense of loss and he may figure out, you really were more than friends with benefits. Most men don't know how they feel about someone until they experience the loss. If that's the case, usually within 2-3 months, he'll contact you again and seek to change the definition of FWB to girlfriend/boyfriend. If it's not the case, you'll both go on with your lives. The key point is, if one of you is falling in love and their is a lack of reciprocity, you need to end it. If it is meant to be, time will tell.
Once time has passed and you've completed the grieving process, you may want to rekindle the friends part without the benefits. Perhaps your FWB is your former spouse, old flame or someone who has been a part of most of your life. Can you successfully recreate the friendship? That's the subject of next weeks article: Going from Friends with Benefits back to Friends.
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Dr. Tina B Tessina (PhD, LMFT) covers relationship questions for Couples Company and is the author of over 20 books ranging from her multimillion selling 'The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again' and her latest 'Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage ' and 'The Commuter Marriage'.
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