RELATIONSHIP Q&A

Two Families

ONE COUPLE

& Both Want YOU!

As the holidays arrive again the age old, 'Do we spend the holidays with your parents or mine?' inevitably comes up.  How to you placate mom and pop on both sides of the family and put the Happy back in Christmas?  See what Dr. Tina has to say in this week's Relationship Q&A.

QUESTION

Dear Tina

My mum is not keen on my boyfriend and she's taking exception with the holidays. Happy Christmas is turning into Hell Christmas.  It's silly.  His parents asked us for Christmas and now my mum chatters incessantly about how we're abandoning her for the holidays.  She's in London, four hours away and his parents have an estate in Devonshire.  We're thinking about marriage and I wish to spend time with his family.  Mum is slathering on the guilt, talking about being alone. I've thought about asking his parents if she can join us, but I don't know if that's proper. They've met me but once.  And in truth, I could do without the drama.  What should I do?
Brenda,
Tavistock, England

ANSWER

Dear Brenda,

I  know it's not easy to hear your mom complain, but you'll deal with her better if you can see her point of view, too.  If she is used to you spending the holidays with her, and looks forward to it, this is a big, difficult change for her.  It's understandable that you want to spend time getting to know your fiancé's family, and spending Christmas on an estate must be tempting.  However, if your Mom is going to be all alone, the kind thing to do is to ask your fiancé if she can join you.  Let him ask his parents, not you.  If they say yes, then have a talk with your mother about appropriate behavior -- ask her to forego the drama.  Make that a condition of her coming along.  

If she's truly not invited, then make a peace offering of some part of the holidays with her.  Maybe you could spend boxing day together, or see her just before Christmas.  If you don't treat her as the enemy, she probably won't act like one.  When you marry, she's going to need to get used to you spending less time with her, and to find other people to fill the gap. That's not going to happen in time for this Christmas, but you could help her connect with other family members, neighbors, friends or a local group so she won't be so alone.  Then, this problem will be solved.

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Dr. Tina B Tessina (PhD, LMFT) covers relationship questions for Couples Company and is the author of over 20 books ranging from her multimillion selling 'The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again' and her latest 'Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage ' and 'The Commuter Marriage'.

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