Now my wife is having change of heart
towards new pet and this has me feeling betrayed by
her. I feel like the bad guy in this situation. This
is a second marriage for both of us and in my first marriage
we had too many dogs and I don't want the same problems
again. I am so angry at my wife and her ex-husband about
this. How can I handle this situation without looking like
the villain to the boys?
Additional facts: The boys are
14 and 16 years old; the biological parents have a joint
custody agreement.
AL, M (42)
Corpus Christi, TX
Married 4 years; 2 children 14 & 16
Dear AL.:
You're in a difficult situation because the children will
see the removal of the pet as punishment to them, regardless
of the previous agreement you had with your wife. It is
also not the dog's fault so please resist the temptation to
take out your anger on the pet.
Though the children are old enough to understand, they are
teenagers and teens look and exploit anything that can cause
a rift. Don't give them the ammunition. This may come back
to haunt you so you'll need to be diplomatic but firm.
Dealing with the Ex-husband
The truth is their father acted irresponsibly by giving
the dog without consulting you first. You have every right
to be angry with him. Explain the inappropriateness of his
behavior to the children so they can learn from this
situation. Make them a part of the solution. Ask the boys
how they would handle it (they're old enough to help in the
problem solving and will appreciate being consulted). Then,
address their father both in person and in writing, (let the
boys read the letter you give him so there are no
misunderstandings).
About the dog:
To solve this issue you will have to set the boundaries.
You have two options that will allow the boys to keep the
dog and honor your desires.
.
#1) As the
father and mother have joint custody, insist the dog live
with the parent who gave the dog. This will allow the boys
to keep their pet at their father's house until the oldest
turns 18 and has a place of his own. It also puts the
responsibility back on the parent that initiated this issue.
#2) Keep the
dog, but insist it live outside and the boys take full
responsibility for it (including walks, clean up and
playing). When the oldest boy turns 18 and moves out, the
dog goes with him.
Now the other issue, your wife:
You have every right to feel betrayed and angry with your
wife and you will need to address this with her. The best
way to do this is through an assertive statement. This is
how you do that.
State the
problem:
"When you allowed the boys' father to give them a dog
for Christmas after we explicitly agreed to no pets prior to
marriage..."
Tell her how
it makes you feel,
(and use the word "feel" not "think")
"When you
ignore our agreements, I feel betrayed and marginalized. It
shows a lack of respect from you toward my feelings and the
foundations we've built this marriage on. I resent the fact
that you decided to allow the boys' father to give a dog
without consulting me, especially since you are aware of the
problems I've had with this in the past. This puts me in the
position of being the bad guy with the kids and that's not
fair to me. It really is not fair."
Tell her how
you would prefer she handle this or any other similar
situation next time.
"I don't want
to punish the boys over this, but we need to find a solution
now. I also want to make sure this doesn't happen again.
The next time the boys' father wants to do something for the
boys that will require our home, can we speak to him
together and decide together if what he wants to do is
appropriate?"
Get her agreement on a plan of action and together carry it
out.
The assertiveness statement works in any situation where
an ex, your children or a friend crosses a boundary and
behaves inappropriately. It is non-confrontational and
addresses the behavior and its consequences rather than
maligning or degrading a person.
We hope this helps. Let us know how it turns out!
Sincerely,
Couples Company
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