If You are the Alienated Parent:

What you can Do

with Parenting and Legal Contributor Dr. Jayne Major

First, it takes a sophisticated mental health professional to be able to identify that PAS is occurring. Most forensic evaluators such as psychiatrists and clinical psychologists at the Ph.D. level (not the MA or MS level) have studied the disorder and are able to recognize it.

Forensic evaluators diagnose PAS by having the parents take a battery of psychological tests, doing a detailed case history and by observation. They make recommendations as to what to do. After the evaluator has written a report on the family and made recommendations, nothing will happen to resolve the crisis without court intervention.

The alienated parent has to take the report to a judge who must then be convinced that the child is being alienated and that it is not in their best interest to stay in such an environment.

It is rare however that judges have any degree of mental health training. They most often learn about PAS from the bench. It usually takes several trips to court to point out how badly a child is being treated before a judge is willing to act. TOP

How are PAS cases resolved legally?

Judges are inevitably conservative in their orders. Even when the evidence is overwhelming that the alienation is occurring, the court order may still end up saying, "the parents are to make joint decisions about the child's welfare," when this is impossible to do.

This is further evidence that the judge doesn't understand the magnitude of the problem. The judge in one of the most severe PAS cases I worked on was from the old school. He was tired of having the litigants continue to appear before him. One day he said, "Why don't the two of you go out in the hallway and kiss and make up." This is an example of how frustrating these cases are for judges. Indeed, these are the hardest cases to decide.

Judges have been slow to place serious sanctions on the alienating parent. If there is no threat of severe fines, jail time or sole custody to the targeted parent, the chances are remote that the out-of-control parent can be stopped. It usually takes a dramatic situation where court orders are broken to force the court to change primary custody. Often it is only a matter of time before alienating parents become desperate and their unstable mental health gets the better of them. People in an official position start to recognize the alienating parent as being out of line, and become supportive of the targeted parent. TOP

What is the best way to deal with PAS?

The parents I know who were successful in getting primary custody of their children in a PAS situation shared the following characteristics:

They completed a comprehensive parenting course and stuck with it until they rated excellent in the knowledge, skills and methods taught. Their parenting skills became superior.
They were even-tempered, logical and kept their emotions under control. They never retaliated. A person who reacts in anger is proving the alienator's point that he or she is unstable.
The children were the primary concern. No matter how awful the harassment got, the fear of keeping their daughter or son in that environment kept them going. They were driven to continue trying to get the court to understand the seriousness of the issues and to change primary custody to them.
They were willing and able to go to the financial expense of seeing it through.
They got help from a skilled family lawyer who had experience with parent alienation syndrome.
They became good at understanding how the courts work and the law as it applied to their case. In many cases, because of excessive expenses, parents even ended up as pro per (called pro se in some states) where they were representing themselves without a lawyer.
They had a case where a forensic evaluator made a strong statement about the alienation and recommend changing legal and primary custody to the alienated parent. Some parents had to go back to the evaluator to demonstrate that his or her earlier recommendations were not working.
They persevered in demonstrating that they were rational, reasonable, and had the best interest of the child at heart.
They provided the court with an appropriate parenting plan that showed how the child would be well taken care of in their care. TOP
They understood the nature of the problem and focused on what to do about it, even though they and their children were being victimized. (Alienated parents who got caught up in "how terrible it all is" and spent time judging the situation, went under emotionally.)
They didn't live a victim's life.
They were proactive in seeking constructive action.
They avoided adding to the problem. One father expressed it like this: "I don't know how to make it better with the mother, but I do know how to make it worse."
They kept a diary or journal of key events, describing what happened and when.
They documented the alienation with evidence that was admissible in court.
They always called or showed up to pick up their children, even if they knew that the children would not be there. This was often very painful, but necessary. You must be able to document that you tried. The alienator alleges that you have no interest in the child.
They focused on enjoying their children's company and never talked to their children about their case. They always took the high road and never talked badly about the other parent to their children. They absolutely never showed a child any court orders or other sensitive documents. They didn't let the children overhear inappropriate conversations on the telephone.
They didn't violate court orders. They paid their child support on time and proved that they could live within the letter of the law.
They were truly decent, principled people. It was obvious that they loved their children.

Can the alienation of children be reversed?

As children get older, the alienation can be reversed with proper psychological care. However, it won't work if the alienating parent is not contained. PAS is among the most severe types of emotional child abuse. There will be scars and lost opportunities for normal development. The child is at risk of growing up and being an alienator with an alienating parent as the primary role model.

__________________________________
Additional Articles

What is the child's part in PAS ?

Parental Alienation Syndrome