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Parenting Ages 0 through 24 |
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Divorce Fallout
Parental Alienation Syndrome
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What is the child's part
in PAS?
with Parenting
&
Legal Contributor
Dr. Jayne Major
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Gardner notes that the PAS is more than brainwashing or
programming, because the child has to actually participate in
the denigrating of the alienated parent. A combination of
several or all eight behaviors listed below will be apparent
in children experiencing PAS:
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PAS is more than brainwashing or programming, because
the child has to actually participate in the
denigrating of the alienated parent.
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The Eight Behaviors of a Child Being Manipulated
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Expletives
and Bad-mouthing:
The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul
language and severe oppositional behavior.
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Excuses without Foundation:
The child offers weak, absurd or frivolous reasons for his
or her anger.
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Consistently Negative:
The child is sure of him or herself, never swaying from a
negative connotation. He/she doesn't demonstrate confused
emotions (i.e. love and hate) for the alienated parent,
only the negative hate.
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Self-righteous:
The child exhorts that he or she alone came up with ideas
of denigration. The "independent-thinker" phenomenon is
where the child asserts that no one told him to do this.
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Protective:
supports and feels a need to protect the alienating
parent.
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Lack of Empathy:
the child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards
the alienated parent.
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Lying & Embellishing:
the child uses borrowed scenarios or vividly describes
situations that he or she could not have experienced.
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Anger:
Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family
of the alienated parent.
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In
severe cases of parent alienation, the child is utterly
brainwashed against the alienated parent. The alienator can
truthfully say that the child doesn't want to spend any time
with this parent, regardless of court orders or the parent’s
desire. The alienator typically responds, "There isn't
anything that I can do about it. I'm not telling him that he
can't see you. He doesn’t want to."
TOP
PAS is an escalation
of Parental Alienation (PA)
Dr.
Douglas Darnall in his book Divorce Casualties: Protecting
Your Children from Parental Alienation, describes three
categories of PA:
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MILD: Naïve alienators
Naïve alienators are ignorant of what they are doing
and are willing to be educated and change.
MODERATE: Active alienators
When triggered, active alienators lose control of
appropriate boundaries. They go ballistic. When they
calm down, they don't want to admit that they were out
of control.
SEVERE: Obsessed alienators
Obsessed alienators operate from a delusional system
where every cell of their body is committed to
destroying the other parent's relationship with the
child.
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In
the case of the Obsessed alienator, no treatment exists other
than removing the child from their influence.
Which gender is most likely to initiate PAS?
Gender doesn’t play a role in instigation. The time with the
child is the critical factor. In the 20th Century, mothers are more often
responsible for creating and nurturing PAS because as the
primary caregiver, they have more time with the child. In male
dominated societies and prior to the 20th Century, the
opposite is true.
For
Example: In one case the father had no control over his
obsession to trash the mother. Numerous professionals told
him, including the mother that he could have shared custody if
he would be willing to follow the rules. He didn't have the
self-control to do this. TOP
When
he lost custody because of his aberrant behavior, he became a
celebrity in the father's rights movement and took his
campaign into national circles. No one would know from hearing
him speak about his situation that there was serious pathology
going on (PAS) or how hard the professionals worked to
stabilize it.
In cultures where women traditionally have no tangible rights,
alienation by the father can be severe. I've met divorcing
women whom have been prevented from learning how to make a
living to support themselves. At the time of separation all
access to financial resources ceased and the children were
removed from her care. These women report severe alienation of
affection.
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Characteristics of
Obsessed Alienators
Alienators will display many of the below
characteristics. Anger, frustration and hurt feelings
can cause even the most upstanding and stable parent
to act like a psychopath during a custody battle.
Occasionally in such situations he/she may temporarily
resemble the warning signs. The difference is
when faced with court orders, friends and pressure
from their peer group or the pain of their own
children, non-obsessive alienators will change their
behavior and always put their children's welfare ahead
of their own. Depending upon the degree, he or
she may need counseling to work through the anger.
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With the absence
of past abuse by the Alienated Spouse, statements like
these by the Alienating spouse can signal the
beginning of PAS:
"Call me as soon as you get there to
let me know you are okay."
"If you get scared, you call me right away. Okay?"
"I'll come get you if you want to come home."
Most
adults will recognize this and change behavior when
they see the effect on their children
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Obsessed
alienators however are
incapable
of changing. You want to look for sustained examples of
these behaviors over a period of time, not isolated instances
to decide if you are dealing with an Obsessive alienator (in
which case the children need to be removed from this persons
custody as soon as possible for their own protection) or a
rational adult with hurt feelings and unexpressed anger.
TOP
Obsessed Alienators Are:
Narcissistic:
The alienator presumes special entitlement to whatever he/she
wants. Rules in life are for other people, not for them.
Individuate
Behaviorists: the alienator is unable to see the
child as a separate human being. He/she is often described as
being "overly involved with the child" or "enmeshed".
Sociopaths:
The alienator has no moral conscience and is unable to have
empathy or compassion for others. They are unable to see a
situation from another person's point of view, especially
their child's point of view. They don't distinguish between
telling the truth and lying in the way that others do.
Dependency
Fosterers: Instead of promoting independence, the
alienating parent encourages continued dependence. The parent
may insist on sleeping with the child, feeding the child
("It's easier if I do it"), and taking care of these rites of
passage longer than normal child development calls for. This
"spoiling" may not feel right to the child, but they do not
have enough ego strength to do anything about it.
If this is all
sounding a little too familiar, the next page tells you how to
deal with the situation, save your children.
TOP
Click to
end the nightmare.
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If you find yourself in this situation
and live in Southern California, Dr. Jayne's company
Breakthrough Parenting teaches courses specifically geared at
men and women caught within a PAS situation. If you live
outside of Southern California, she may be able to provide you
with resources in your part of the country. Visit her
web site for more information at
http://www.breakthroughparenting.com.
Dr. Major is
the author of six books on family issues including Creating a
Successful Parent Plan: A Step by Step Guide For The Care of
Children of Divided Families, also available
as an e-book. She has worked with more than 15,000 parents going through
difficult times with their children, and did her Ph.D. research
at UCLA in the field of parent education. She is the author of
Breakthrough Parenting: A Revolutionary New Way to Raise
Children. |
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