Being A Male in A Female World – Brace Yourself!
Being the only man in a women's world isn't just about learning to relate, unclogging the random toilet or killing the spider on the wall.
We instinctively feel we are the protectors for our children and having daughters means we have to watch out for their choices in boys and young men; more succinctly, their womanhood (virginity at first then, sigh… simply their respect as they will all likely engage in, horror of all horrors! sexual activity). Again, I was told to zip it up. The mother would educate their daughters. Fathers will be there to drive, write checks and give a hug from time to time when their daughters are hurting from mean girls, or inappropriate boys. Fathers are often perceived as lecturers, not educators because of their own “dad” experiences.
Those hugs and the few words that your girls will share with you in between listening to their iPods, texting or hanging out (I haven’t even touched on sports, trips or any number of other activities) are that much more important than fixing their problems. They will learn and you will subtly impart the tools to them in order for them to solve their own problems. Your selective involvement will be very appreciated and remembered forever.
You may also find yourself incensed about the lyrics of a lot of the music your tween and teens are listening to these days. When Rihanna sings about enjoying S&M, or Britney Spears moves her hips suggestively to her “threesome” hit and you find yourself in the unenviable position of explaining what BDSM or multiple partner sex is (tactfully and sensitively with as much of the political correctness that a modern father might be expected of), just step up to the challenge. Remember that their attention span is limited since you’ll most likely be labeled as lecturing, so just get to the point and leave it up to their peers and your wife while keeping your ear to the ground (so to say) to keep your own concern at bay. Essentially, trust that your daughters will make the right choices and respect themselves enough into young womanhood when they’ll be old enough to make their own decisions about their sexuality and sexual preferences.
Of course, your wife and daughters are not the only estrogen and progesterone in the house. A parade of different variations of girls and young women will be introduced into your life. This is your opportunity to understand what they are going through. Listen to their conversations (as maddening as they are since they are often injected by multitudes of the words “like”, “ya ’ know”, “wait”, etc…), understand how mean girls can be and the difference between boys and girls. Again, “mums the word” and consult your wife and hope that her own experience as a young girl and young adult will be imparted to your daughters and you in support of their upbringing. This also applies to Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Formspring and other social networking sites. Dads, you can “stalk” your daughter’s Facebook, but DO NOT COMMENT ever. Leave that up to the oldest child and your wife. See how much you get to stay out of? Enjoy it, its easier to unclog the toilet!
Tell Them You Love Them and Then Shut-up!
Many more aspects of differences between daughters and fathers include standard tween, teen and young adult cleaning, responsibility and consideration issues which I won’t touch on here. Those confrontations are covered by the media ad nauseum and aren’t especially gender and father specific. However, our frustrations with our daughters desire to be liked by boys or others is another area best left to their friends and the wife. All we can do is help support our relationship with our daughters. Tell them you love them, often. Show them that you do and don’t simply buy them stuff. Try to speak to them about what they are interested in. Don’t fall asleep when listening to them or become outraged when they share something your brain cannot fathom. Try soothing words such as “uhmmm” or “really?” Certainly don’t try to assuage them to like what YOU like. If they like photography, support their interest. If they want a tattoo, well, leave that up to mom if you are against it. Telling them no and standing firm on that, well, that usually backfires. The best advice I ever received on raising daughters (it works for sons just as well) was say no only when it is a matter of safety and security. Disallowing them to see people, that also backfires. Certainly tell them how you feel, (I know, it’s out of man’s comfort zone). They will respect you for that and if they make a mistake, they will learn from it. If it is an issue about security and safety, THEN you can interject and put your foot down, but everything isn’t about safety and security as with the government taking away our freedoms little by little because of the same claim. See? Doesn’t feel very good does it?
Another tip, never, never try to become their friend either. For instance, if they are lamenting the small size of their burgeoning breasts, don’t ask them the next day, how their breasts are. Bad move! If they ask you to feel the bump in their breast because they respect your medical background, let your wife do it, there are some lines that you will be tested on and that you should not cross. A former girlfriend of mine had a well respected OB/GYN physician as a father and he also acted as her OB/GYN. Um… that is indeed one line I would not cross unless an absolute emergency, but opinions will certainly vary. If your girls are gorgeous, have buxom bodies and are hooted at on the street, despite you being right beside them, take their lead. If they aren’t disturbed by it, leave it alone. If they are, call the guys morons and slobs under your breath and leave it at that. It isn’t a safety and security issue is it? No. Move on. More importantly, hugs and fatherly kisses on the head and cheek are fine and supportive, for their friends too. Any more, think of it as going to jail and I can’t even understand fathers who ask why. You are their father, not a friend, remember? Let the comedians deal with this issue.
It's OK To Cry
Inevitably, you will also be faced with the vagaries and irrationality of the female emotional spectrum. You, as a man, are unlikely to understand it before they turn 25 or older. If they are crying uncontrollably, feel for them, don’t belittle their seemingly ridiculous outbreaks. Men are renowned for being rational and women are certainly well known for being emotional. Remember the reality of our human hormonal differences? They are at play here. If your daughter will let you hug her in her moment (or moments of intense sadness, whether over a boy, ugh! Or something more serious, like the passing of a loved one), tell her to let it out. Cry. Against all of our manly upbringing and DNA, it is indeed physiologically and mentally beneficial to cry. Bottling up our emotions only serves to create emotional pressures that if not released in sport or other hobbies, find other ways of release (disease, health, etc…). While men do cry less and it is physiological impossible for us to cry as often or as intensely as women (P. 315 of The Male Body by K. Winston Kaine ), we shouldn’t let that impede our ability to be sensitive to our daughters in their (frequent) emotional upheavals.
They are usually not sad tears, or tears of joy, rather the confused, upset sobs that come often from knowing that they don’t like, want to, or otherwise engage in an argument with you and that they’d much rather hug you than fight. Yes, many times it is simply anger, or frustration too, but the best and most consistent option for you would be to simply try to hug them when they begin to cry and tell them to let it out, or alternatively, let them decide to leave, or simply get themselves composed. That’s not up to you. Your job as husband and father is to hear them and respond when they want you to. Any attempt to interject, will have to come with a keen sense of timing, adept sensitivity and a cue to respond.
Essentially, do not try to pick a fight by suggesting that you know how to resolve the problem better than your female counterparts, or perhaps that you can exclusively understand and resolve the problem. Often times, they, that would be your wife and daughters in particular, will need to resolve whatever issue has set-upon them and by your insisting that you can take care of whatever “it” is, in fact, a fight will ensue because of our arrogance and lack of sensitivity. We just picked a fight for no good reason and we didn’t even see it coming!
Alternatively, when the ladies and girls get into the “tell me just one time…” they did something that you found irritating, or even worse, wrong, don’t fall for it. That will be a no-win situation and it is absolutely a red flag for their standard fight picking set-up. Unless you’ve been keeping notes every time they’ve done whatever it is you were discussing-I tried, bad idea!- (and that alone would be enough of a reason to consider your behavior unacceptable and a reason for valid objection and will become a smack-down fight), keep it a request, or a discussion. It will disarm them, as you won’t be accusing, suggesting or otherwise. It will simply be a recommendation, which alone will be confusing to what they expect from you.
Is She Really Going to Wear That?
You will also undoubtedly face the question or crying fit about your daughters and certainly your wife, being fat. I very much hate this one as I am all too familiar with eating disorders from past relationships. It is a vicious cycle that your daughters can be faced with. I joke with my wife, 5’3” and 115 pounds telling me she’s fat! Really?! Ridiculous. right guys? Well, that is the reality. Our media tell young girls and women daily, numerous times a day about what the ideal look is and that we should emulate the 8 super models out of the 3 billion or so women on this planet (as Mark Gungor humorously reminded his audience). Yes, models are starving themselves. Yes, they are generously airbrushed and no, women don’t remain 12 years old forever. The beauty of a woman as they pass from teenagerdom, is that they are all beautiful in their own way. The unlimited configurations of the human physical and emotional package is what makes this variety so wonderful and that is what is so contemptuous about our media.
During the latter part of the 19th and earlier part of the 20th century, a full figured women was the model of beauty. Now, anorexic, sickly, pale looking waifs are the standard and despite the fashion industries anemic attempt to combat the perception that they are perpetuating this sad reality for their models, it is still all pervasive and a sad truth that all women in North America and beyond have to deal with. I can speak passionately for days on the subject, but suffice it to say, that this is one area that fathers have to again take the lead from their wife (unless she herself suffers from Body Dysmorphic Disorder, low self-esteem, competitiveness with her daughters, etc…). I didn’t say it would be easy, but your job, dads, is to know when to inject yourself, while most often staying silent. Yes, it’s a terribly hard job but also rather gratifying.
Overall, it can be a frustrating and difficult journey, especially if you aren’t blessed with the experience that I’ve had. However, having daughters can be so enjoyable and fulfilling and it should be considered a window into how to improve your own relationship with your wife and other women in your life. Revel in it, keep your mouth shut and take the lead from your wife and daughters. You will be a better man for it and my wife has certainly edited this article for general consumption. Do you think I would detail my life with the ladies in my house without getting a feminine perspective? I think not!
About the Writer
Lorne Caplan started his career in biotech and medical device financing, moving into spas, skincare and all things anti-aging related. This led him into his current focus on romance, passion and intimacy products and services. As a father and stepfather to five girls, his unique understanding of female physiology and mentality combined with his own personal experiences, allow for a unique and all encompassing perspective on these subjects. Lorne is a speaker and presenter. He has appeared on television shows such as Dr. Phil and is frequently published and quoted in multiple media outlets like Shape, and Spa 20/20,
