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Or do I stop the fighting over her not
doing her chores, (which he agreed to). Please help. I've
checked out step parenting and anything thing else I can find
on this matter. He totally takes her side even if she is
wrong. We have never fought like we do now, and it's all over
his child. What she does is normal but his reactions are not.
West Virginia Step Mom, (F) 43
Married 6 1/2 Years
Stepdaughter, 16
Ridgeley, West Virginia
Dear West Virginia Step Mom,
You are involved in a difficult and
not uncommon step-parenting situation. Your marriage is being
negatively affected and you are feeling badly. Take a deep
breath and try not to let this destroy your marriage.
There are a number of things taking
place. First of all, the 16-year-old girl lost her mother.
Death is always difficult. The death of a mother when you are
14 and your parents are divorced is even harder, especially if
this young lady lived with her mom.
Has your stepdaughter
been given the
chance to grieve properly?
The first thing that you and your husband
might do is look at the pain and grief this child has suffered
since the death of her mother. It would be helpful to employ
the services of a professional counselor to explore how the
death affected this young lady.
She needs an opportunity to talk about
what happened and how she feels about it and how it has
affected her life.
After helping her deal with the grief
issues then it would be wise if you and your husband talked
with a counselor about how the death of the ex-wife and the
care of the daughter have been for both of you and how it has
changed relationship.
Step-daughter Action Summary:
1) Have a professional grief counselor work with your
stepdaughter
2) When the counselor is satisfied your step-daughter is both
dealing and recovering from the grief in a healthy manner,
schedule time to have the counselor meet with you and your
husband to outline the next steps in bringing the family back
on track.
Then, and only then, it will time for the
three of you to talk about rules and consequences in your
home. Healthy family life requires cooperation between all of
the members and it sounds like your husband has been catering
to the whims of his teenage daughter because he does not know
what to do. This is probably made worse because he does not
know how to handle the death of his ex-wife and wants things
to be happy for his daughter.
About the Boyfriend:
Teenagers require guidance and loving
care. They cannot and will not turn into responsible human
beings and productive citizens if they are allowed to operate
without any rules.
Sixteen-year-old girls should not be
spending the night at their boyfriend’s house and they have to
contribute to the care and maintenance of the family home.
Family life requires everyone working together and it seems
that your husband does not understand this or is possibly
afraid of upsetting his daughter. He may think that she has
had enough upset since the death of her mother.
Butting in as you refer to it is exactly
what a good parent should be doing. Your frustration is
appropriate. Your husband needs to take a stand and become a
parent, not his daughter's friend. She won't admit it now, but
in ten years she will thank him. Her behavior is a
challenge and cry for help and supervision. In the
long-term her behavior is setting her up for a very hard life.
He has the ability to change this direction, but he must first
acknowledge what is going on.
Check with some of the parents at your
stepdaughter's school (ask the guidance counselor for help)
and see if you can find other parents, especially single
father's with custody dealing with this same issue. This
might be one of those times that a "man to man" talk with
someone who has been there, done that. Letting the young
lady do what she wants is the path of least resistance, and it
does appear your husband does not like confrontation.
For his daughter's sake, he needs to get over this. She is on
the path that leads to drug addiction, alcoholism, teen
pregnancy and a lifetime of poverty if he doesn't guide her in
the right direction.
Constant fighting and tension is bad for
all of you. It is not a happy or healthy way to live.
Please, seek professional counseling for all three of you. The
problems you describe are complex and left unattended will
certainly destroy your relationship and possibly your
step-daughter's chances at a fulfilling life.
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