Who is Responsible for Bullying?

by Anne Hansen & Laura Dawn Lewis

About two years ago a  web site designed for junior high and high school students was shut down.  The purpose of the site was to allow students to chat and share gossip about their friends and classmates.

The gossip quickly turned nasty. Students saw their names linked with acts clouding their reputations.  There was frustration, tears and overall despair for the students who were unfortunate enough to be targeted on the web site. It was a new use of cyberspace: Internet bullying.

Teasing, bullying, rudeness or whatever you choose to call it has reached frightening levels.  Children and adolescents are becoming increasingly disrespectful to each other.  The joking they engage in is often mean-spirited and cruel.  Parents and teachers are either unaware, choose to ignore it or worse yet, join in. 

“Ha, ha, she’s so fat.”   “Ha, ha, he is such a dork”  “Ha, ha, his dad’s a jerk.”  “Ha, ha, their car is a pile of junk.”  “Ha, ha, he’s so dumb he’s in all the easy classes.”  “Ha, ha, did you see what she had on today?”  The most common and hurtful “ha, ha’s”, however, are those that refer to sex:  “Ha, ha he’s so gay,” or “ha, ha she’s such a hooker.”     

At the time of the incident newspaper accounts about the boys who committed the murders at Columbine High School in the Denver said they were ridiculed relentlessly by fellow classmates.  The same thing is concluded about the fifteen-year-old freshman that gunned down fellow students in the San Diego area in 2001. A pattern here must be examined. 

While nothing justifies picking up a gun and killing people at random, if we would objectively try to understand what teenagers face at school and with their peers we might be able to offer solutions to stop these senseless killings.

Adolescence has never been a placid stage of life.  It is characterized by raging hormones, a drive for independence and pressure to succeed.  Today, the raging hormone fires are fanned and kept burning by music and videos so sexually explicit that many adults cringe when they actually hear the words.  Independence is hardly questioned and the pressure to succeed includes being able to excel athletically, academically and socially.  In fact, the expectations to succeed in these areas have become more important than the expectation to develop as a responsible human being. 

If we, the adults, would allow ourselves an honest trip down memory lane, we would certainly remember some very rough moments in junior high and high school. Few of us were spared the sting of rejection from a peer group, a sport or a club. 

Read the headlines and you will believe that today's the high school atmosphere is so much more charged with competition that it is sometimes overwhelming. Competitively the contrary is true.  Parents in several states are suing school districts if their children are held back or failed. By doing this they are teaching children that if you don't like something, bully your way through it to get your way.  In other states like Florida, school districts are giving children A's for receiving less than 40% correct on a standard academics test. Instead of teaching our children to work towards goals, we teach them that if they don't like the review or grade, sue and you'll get your way. Unfortunately when these children enter the workforce, they will find that competition is very really and they haven't been prepared.

Is today harder for teens? In some ways it is since they now deal with on campus security, more impediments to their freedom and the threat of terrorism and gangs. In some ways it is the same. Read the headlines and concerns in parenting magazines and news media from 1978-1984.  On the core issues, little has changed.  The exact same issues: bullying, drugs, gangs, teen pregnancy, alcohol, sex, peer pressure, graphic music (at that time AC/DC, Van Halen and the Sex Pistols) all existed and influenced the teens of that period.  In 1980 you had to wear San Francisco Riding Gear Jeans and Famolares to be cool. The next year it was Calvin Klein and Nike. Go back to 1958 and Elvis was responsible for teen rebellion and every kid needed a red windbreaker like James Dean.  The parents of the 80's and 50's are saying the same thing as the parents today.  The pressures for today's children are the same ones we dealt with as teens...with two exceptions. 

What is different today? Two things. The first difference is the family unit and morality.  In 1980, though divorce was common most children still lived with their original parents.  Both parents worked, similar to today.  It is these children born during the sixties and seventies that are now raising today's generation.

In 2000 the bi-nuclear family, (multiple parents, multiple children) became the primary family unit in the United States. With divorce, remarriage and a life focused upon the parent's comfort and needs comes a devaluation of foundation, principles, safety and the negation of the value of forgiveness.  Children today are primarily raised without the one constant they could count on, family.  This teaches them that nothing is permanent, and nothing can be counted on. 

The second is societal promotion of the devaluation of human life. In the most extreme example we have the Middle East.  Bullying is a symptom of low self-esteem and lack of empathy for others. It can only exists if one child believes he/she is better than others.  Bullying negates the value of an individual by insisting that individual has less right to be and that the person bullying is somehow more entitled to life.

Society blurs or negate the basic teachings of parents.  Society now tells parents and children of all faiths that their morality and foundations are wrong because special interests want their lives, causes or actions to be accepted and endorsed.  In Texas the week of August 19th, 2002 two teens have been forbidden to attend their church because the church teaches homosexuality is a sin.  The girls tried to divorce their mother and become emancipated minors. Several years ago the mother decided to begin a lesbian relationship.  The girls found this abhorrent and did not want to be subjected to it. The court's solution: The mother has to stop engaging in a lesbian relationship in front of her children and the children must agree to stop going to church. 

Children are told by society that adhering to any faith and its guidelines whether it be Muslim, Christian, Jewish or any other formal foundation, they are wrong.  Following the faith based guidelines to right and wrong in Bible, the Qur'an or Talmud offends special interests and these special interests now ridicule children in public for their beliefs.  When a child stands up for his or her beliefs, he or she is chastised. Shows like Jerry Springer, Big Brother poke fun at everything and everyone.  Children's morality is now created by radio and television talk show hosts.  Jokes about the President and the Pope are fair game on late night talk shows.  No one is spared the biting criticism masked as a joke.  Radio spews forth so much hate and distaste for anyone in the line of fire of the host of the show that it makes your head spin.  When and how did all of this become acceptable?  When did we become so mean?

We all share a responsibility in what is happening on our school campuses.  Parents, teachers, administrators, those in government, the media, even our churches and of course students themselves.  A complicated problem requires more than glib comments. As parents we can only guide our own children and help them to understand the mire being forced upon them. 

We need to teach our children from the time they are very young that caring for each other is far more important than competing with each other.  This is part of a healthy self-esteem. We need to teach them that to be different is not to be weird or stupid, it is to be exceptional.  Maybe we need to teach less history and math and more tolerance.  History and math are the responsibility of our schools.  Tolerance, morality and humanity are the responsibility of parents.  As parents we need to worry more about our children's humanity, values and morality.  If these are strong and reinforced, if our children's experiences are built upon a solid foundation of facts, questions, positive reinforcement, our children will not become victims of each other or society's ills.

What can parents do? Anti-bully Action Plan

1) Teach your children both the foundations of your morality and values but also discuss behaviors you see that do not conform to it with them.  Ask how they feel about it.  Help them learn to stand up for themselves and separate manipulation from truth. 

2) Know what they are watching and listening to.  If you do not like it, explain why and ask for your child's opinion. 

3) If your child is bullied, work with them effectively diffuse further attacks.  Children that bully have low self-esteem.  Show your child how to use this to his or her advantage.  Teach them smart come-backs and practice these.  Most bullies will bend if the child shows their attacks have no effect. Teach your children they can turn and leave without giving the bully the attention he or she craves. 

4) Encourage self-defense classes like karate and tai kwon do.  A child who is confident in his/her ability to protect himself will be less likely to be intimidated. 

5) In school, athletics take precedence and popularity is often bestowed based upon looks and athletic ability.  In the real world brains, talent and innovation are the qualities adults respect.  If your child is not athletic, begin exposing your young artist or scientist to successful men and women with the same talents.  Show him or her the exciting opportunities that exist with his/her talents.  Give him/her a role model with the same qualities to aspire to. 

6) Be a parent, not a friend.  Children have friends and you will have an entire adult lifetime to be your child's friend.  Right now he/she needs a parent, which means you won't be "cool".  Fifteen years from now, your child will appreciate your hard line, even if now they hate it. 

7) Don't forget to tell your child every day that you love them and are proud of who he or she is becoming.  A strong sense of self and knowing he/she is loved is the best protection against bullying you can provide. 

Tip for parents not living with their children:  Borrow a trick military couples use to keep in touch.  Give your child an alpha numeric pager and send him/her a message every night before he/she goes to bed or during the day if you are thinking of him or her.  This allows you to virtually tuck in your child each night and send little reminders that you do love him/her even if you can't be there.