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Dear
Newlywed,
Did you
and your new hubby ever talk before tying the knot?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but what I read is that you
wanted the pictures, you wanted the photographer, and
you agreed to pay for the album. When he said ok, you
switched gears and asked him to cough up half. Yet you think
he has a control issue?
A better
idea would have been for the two of you to sit down and
rationally discuss what you both wanted and what was affordable
– before setting the date – just like you should have resolved a
whole lot of other potential concerns prior to entering into a
lifetime of matrimony.
In order to focus, I‘m going to try and itemize the scenario:
1. Wedding album.
Pay for
the album and put it behind you.
2. Wedding Costs.
Thank your
parents (both sides), and enjoy the fact it’s paid for
3. Philosophy on debt.
Be glad
you’ve got a man who is responsible where money is concerned.
Debt is the number one cause of stress in a marriage.
4. Income.
California
is a community property state. Half of what he earns is yours.
Consider earning your half by supporting him, since he’s willing
to support you. Those benefits are real, by the way! You’ll be
happy you have them if you get the flu or decide to have kids.
5. His cleaning.
Holy cow!
What most women wouldn’t give to have hubby clean up after
himself! You are one lucky woman! What on earth are you
thinking? Appreciate the fact that he’s willing, even eager, to
help around the house.
6. Your cooking.
Actually,
I didn’t really get this part. Maybe you’re a lousy cook. Why
didn’t you set the table with candles, fix a plate full for each
of you, serve it (maybe with wine to go with the candlelight),
sit down to dinner and dine as if you were newlyweds? Have you
asked him what he likes to eat and how he likes it prepared?
Maybe you could take a cooking class next time he’s deployed.
7. The family finances.
He bought
the SUV before he was married to you. Forget it. Ask him to
include your input on major purchases next time.
Make a
shopping list. Put bar soap and shower gel on it, and all the
other household items the two of you expect to be using. Do it
together, and then discuss whether you really need similar
items. If so, agree to it. If you simply can’t agree, then ask
for a reasonable monthly “allowance” that you can spend on
anything you want – including saving up for a special surprise
for your groom. Set some goals and decide on a budget
together. As a family, you should be working together to
develop a home atmosphere in which you’re both happy and proud.
8. The move.
You’re
married now. Hubby is number one in your life from now on! Get
a handle on that, or you’re going to end up a divorce
statistic. How would you feel if he told mama every time you
bought soap without asking first? Of course you’ll want to keep
in touch with family and friends, and that’s as it should be.
But marriage is a union. Your priorities are different now.
It’s scary being in a new state, with a new husband and a new
life. Take a deep breath and let yourself get used to your new
surroundings.
9. General recommendations:
Why don’t
the two of you write down the things that are bothering you?
You’ve already done it, but encourage him to do so as well.
Plan a little retreat -- a whole weekend perhaps or even a day.
Mark out blocks of one or two hours, and think of fun things to
do in between. Set a schedule (he’s used to that) when you’ll
talk, and specify whose turn it is. Give each other a chance to
respond and some time to discuss each issue. When the time is
up, stop. Do something else (already planned) for awhile, and
do NOT bring up any problems. Go to the movies. Have lunch in
an outdoor café. Visit the zoo. Then return to your discussion
at the appointed hour and continue until the schedule says it’s
time to quit again. If you need more time, get out the calendar
and find it. Don’t let petty bickering ruin your day!
Tackle the
issues that are most important to you first and maybe some of
the lesser things will disappear. The wedding album is not on
the list. You’re done with that. Let each other know what
makes you happy, and what you want and “need” out of the
marriage. This is something you should have done long before
you said your vows, but now that it’s a done deal, make it work.
Tip:
My husband
and I are about to celebrate 32 years together. Before out
wedding, we promised to take the week before each anniversary
and decide whether or not we wanted to stay married. We agreed
to table any serious rifts until that fateful week. I can’t
begin to tell you how many times, especially in the early years,
I was ready to walk out in tears, but was reminded of our
agreement. By the time our anniversary neared, the incidents
had all but disappeared. You might consider a similar
arrangement.
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