Seek, Find, Marry Again
Two Books To Check Out
Some love matches are a surprise – even to those involved. It can happen -- that is, be created -- between two people you wouldn't have expected to click. One of our divorced and despairing friends, when he was 50, fell in love with a 30-year-old co-worker.
In addition to the large age difference, she was a born-again, and he hadn't been religious at all. Luckily, she was the cool kind who lives her religion instead of talking about it. They had become good friends first and eventually got married. By every account, they're extremely happy.
That couple is a fine example of what Sol Gordon, Ph.D., and Elaine Fantle Shimberg discuss in their new book, Another Chance for Love: Finding a Partner Later in Life (Adams Media, 2004). I've been reading and enjoying Sol Gordon's books for many years now, and this is another one that combines inspiration with practical, sane guidance. Finding and sustaining love is always a challenge, and the older you get, you more you can become dispirited over your chances of ever finding a suitable partner. Another Chance for Love takes the unusual stance that it's actually friendship that is the answer. Seeking out, valuing, and deepening friendships with reasonably suitable individuals may lead you to a long-term, deep, and abiding love that will make your earlier quest for fireworks seem shallow.
Gordon, a psychologist and sex educator, and Shimberg, an accomplished author, discuss values, trust, communication, humor, and passion (not just for sex, but for life) – among the aspects of a good friend. Relaxing into the safety and flow of an authentic friendship, they explain, is more likely to lead to something richer than if you begin every official "date" with unreal expectations. The authors would probably consider the couple I mentioned above as love between two "otherwise perfect persons." An OPP is someone who is your ideal except for perhaps one thing, say she smokes and you hate the smell of smoke. You can always ask her not to smoke in your presence to give the relationship a chance to develop, suggest the authors.
Their section called "Predictors of Love Disaster" warns against basing your relationship on myths (myths the book spends much time debunking). Other red lights: thinking you'll go crazy without the person, frequent and uncontrollable outbursts of anger, your partner has a major addiction and won't get help, your partner is mean, overloads credit cards, hasn't grown up, or can't express emotion or show sensitivity. Chapters on living together or apart, and on alternative lifestyles round out this fine book.
2nd Marriage Weddings
So you've found the almost-perfect partner and you're beginning to plan the wedding. Unless you're running off to City Hall, you'll find lots of help in Julie Weingarden Dubin's How to Plan an Elegant Second Wedding: Achieving the Wedding You Want with Grace and Style (Prima, 2003). Dubin's tome offers sane and sensible advice for those planning to celebrate their second (or later) nuptials. She covers the usual stuff, like choosing time and place, creating guest lists, the ceremony, clothes, music, and so on.
If someone else planned your shindig the first time around and you're on your own now, this basic material could save a lot of last-minute hair-pulling (your own and who knows who else's). Dubin talks about getting over your guilt, such as over whether you "deserve" another big wedding and whether you'll be competing with your younger self in your friends' eyes. (The guilt-prone can come up with numerous scenarios to inspire guilt.) She also helps you figure out who pays for what this time, and how to include your kids in the big day.
Grace and style – it's all about having a healthy attitude that takes you from making friends to falling in love to cementing the commitment. These books can help.
