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| Fooling Yourself-
When Rationalization of
the
Non-existent Is Your
Definition of Love
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Dear Dr. Mark: I have been married to my husband for 2
years. He is 26 and I am 30. We have no children. He
finished his MBA the same month we married, yet he has not
even bothered to look for a job since the wedding. |
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Are You Rationalizing Reality In an Effort to Keep Your
Relationship Together? |
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He gets angry if I try to talk to him about this.
He tells me that if I don't like it, I can just leave. When I try to
leave, he asks me to stay. I have a Master's degree also and work
full time. He pays his half of the bills, but I fear he will run out
of money soon.
He tells me all the time that he wants to be
married to me and that our marriage is important. However, when he
becomes angry with me, he immediately starts to threaten to get a
divorce. {I really don't know why I care under the circumstances}.
He is currently being treated for depression; yet this has not
helped the job search. He constantly criticizes me and I don't think
he has any right. He tells me he would work if he were married to
someone better. He says that I make him too miserable and that he
has no will to try. He has said that I am ugly and will only get
uglier so why should he work.
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Over the last few months, our relationship has
improved. We have gone to counseling and most of the verbal abuse
has stopped, except when he is angry. At one point, he was hitting
me (with injury) at least one night per week, but the violence has
stopped. I love him and most often we have a good time together.
Please help me. I don't understand why he's doing
this. I know that the
statements he makes are abusive, but is his refusal to work a
strange form of emotional abuse as well? Please help me to
understand what I am dealing with so I can make an informed decision
about what to do next.
Confused and Hopeless
(F) 30 Houston, Texas
Married 2 years 5 Months
No children
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Dear Confused & Hopeless:
Unless you're leaving out a lot of positives
about your marriage: you have no children, a masters degree, a
job and you have a "younger" husband, who's not working, who abuses
you, calls you ugly and gives you ultimatums, I can't understand why
you're staying in the marriage.
Do you have rescue fantasies of turning him into a great, ambitious,
loving guy? Do you make excuses for his behavior? Do you have a
habit of being with abusive types? Have you invested so much time
in this relationship or have such a fear of being single that you
want to stick it out?
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I'll give you an explanation for his behavior ONLY if you promise
not to use it as an excuse to stay in this relationship longer. It
sounds like your husband has a big case of impotent rage. This is
rage of powerlessness and he probably feels less than other guys his
age and he may not be less than intelligence wise, but his behavior
towards you indicates to me that he is far from having his act
together.
I think you need to add up what you are getting from this
relationship and what you are giving up to stay in it (such as
safety, self-respect,
self-esteem, love, etc.). Next you need to make sure
you are not confusing reasonable with realistic
expectations.
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It may be
"reasonable" to think that once he gets a job (which might take some
time since he's not looking), he'll start to feel good about himself
and treat you better; but is it realistic? i.e. likely to happen
that he'll get a job and start treating you better?
I think you also need to find some girlfriends or family members who
really want what's best for you and get their input. And then you
need to consider very seriously what they say.
And if after all of this you still can't move, sit down and write
down a
step-by-step plan on how you would leave him. How would you
tell him? What's his likely reaction going to be? Where will he go
to stay, where will you go stay? How and who should you tell about
it and what are you going to say?
I know it's taken a while to get a response from us. For that I am
sorry, but please don't drop the ball now that you've reached out
for help.
Please take care of yourself.
Dr. Mark
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