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Chapter
22
Acting too Needy
Everyone needs other people. But need
becomes self-defeating when it is relentless, insatiable and
presented in such a way as to make others feel put upon.
If you come across as needy, others see
you as grabbing. They feel either that you are trying to get
more than you are entitled to or more than you can give in
return. The problem isn’t asking for too much by way of
tangible favors or material assistance, although that may be
part of it. What upsets people is emotional neediness.
If neediness is your basic modus
operandi, you look to others to validate you, reassure you
and reinforce your worth. This is more than most people are
capable of giving. Unless they are saints for whom virtue is
its own reward, they will sooner or later turn away, when
something they once gave freely comes to feel like an
obligation. Feelings of resentment arise, and they start to
dread being in contact with you.
TOP
Some of the neediest people act
precisely the opposite way. They try to keep their
neediness under control and out of awareness by coming
across as unneedy. The prideful ones act as if they need
nothing. We tend to see them as arrogant or condescending.
We also find them exasperating because they make us feel
unnecessary and perhaps ashamed for needing anything
ourselves. It is difficult to have a relationship with such
unneedy people because they deny us the opportunity to give
and most of us measure our worth at least in part by our
ability to give something of value to others.
Another way to come across as unneedy is to
act like a martyr. False martyrs are infuriating, because if
you give to them they make you feel wrong for doing so. TOP
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