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Dear CONSCIENCE,
It sounds like you’ve discovered that self-confidence is
different from self-esteem. Self-confidence is believing in your
ability to accomplish things. Self-esteem is believing in your
worth as a person. Maybe you feel undeserving of your success
because you’re starting to see your character defects and own up
to them. Cheer up. Most people don’t even get past the seeing
stage.
I’m something of a nonsectarian myself, so please don’t take
this story literally. It’s a tale about St. Peter asking St.
Thomas to give him a short break from Pearly Gate guard duty.
Thomas wants a little guidance. “Some people late in life tend
to start wondering about me and whether I’ll let them in,” Peter
says. “So ask them what they think about me.” After a few hours,
Peter returns and asks how it’s going.
“First came this elderly gent,” Thomas says, “and when I asked
him who you were, he called you strong, just and wise.”
“What did you do with him?” Peter asks. “Well of course I let
him in,” Thomas replies with pride. Peter looks puzzled. “Tell
me about the next person,” he says.
“A sweet old woman told me you were about honesty, fairness and
giving people the benefit of the doubt, so of course I waved her
through,” Thomas says. “Really? Who was next?” Peter asks,
looking again perplexed. Thomas hesitates and says, “I don’t
really want to tell you about the next one. He was very
different.”
That catches the interest of the eternal gatekeeper. “Tell me
about him,” he says. Thomas can’t look Peter in the eye. “He was
a middle-aged man who said you were hasty, petty, judgmental and
arrogant.”
“And?” asks Peter. “Of course I sent him away,” Thomas says.
“But Tom,” Peter says, “that third person saw me exactly the way
I am. What he couldn’t know is how I struggle every day not to
be that way.”
Having a character defect doesn’t mean you lack character. Like
Peter in the pseudo-parable, if you recognize problems and work
to improve, your dedication, effort and sacrifice will go a long
way to earning the peace of mind you need. And maybe a measure
of wisdom, too.
Here are ten tips for raising your self-esteem.
1. Raise the self-esteem of others. Be supportive, give
them the benefit of the doubt; never ridicule or belittle
anyone.
2. Push outside your comfort zone. Help others even when
you feel like quitting. Listen patiently to things that are
important to someone else, whether or not they’re important to
you.
3. Don’t like the decision? Do your best to make it work.
Try others’ ideas when you disagree with them, just as you would
want them to try yours.
4. Ask for help. Don’t be a victim and expect people to
feel sorry for you. And learn to ask instead of demand.
5. Promptly, sincerely thank someone who has helped you.
It’s only common sense. Why seem ungrateful?
6. Promptly offer help without being asked. If you really
mean it, why wait?
7. Been hurt? Forgive, forget, move on. When people make
honest mistakes that hurt you, let go as soon as possible. That
doesn’t mean you should let hurtful people hurt you again. But
try to keep a long memory for the good deeds and a short memory
for the others.
8. Learn to apologize. Don’t just own up to your
mistakes. Say how you plan to keep them from reoccurring. And
keep your commitment.
9. Congratulate! It’s normal to feel envy, even jealousy,
when good things happen to others. But acting out those feelings
is for jerks.
10. Try to give more than you take. You know what makes
you happy, but do you know what would put a smile on another
face? Could it be that hard to find out? Could it be so hard to
do?
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