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The truth is, self-confident people aren't necessarily
brimming with talent, skill, or physical beauty; they just
feel they are. They think differently than their less-assured
peers, especially when faced with loss, defeat, or
uncertainty.
Rejection doesn't hurt some people as much as it does
others because of the way they explain it to themselves. "I
didn't get the job, therefore he doesn't love me anymore,"
says the unconfident person. "My husband forgot our
anniversary, therefore I'm unlovable." The confident person
says, "I didn't get the job; it was a bad match" or "He forgot
because of that crazy project at work." When one's dealt a set
back, says Dr. Goulston, a confident person recognizes what is
being rejected or overlooked, not who - a crucial difference.
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Similarly, self-assured people know how to deflect
criticism. Sure, a biting remark hurts, put the pain soon goes
away. Moving beyond the sting of criticism is essential, says
Dr. Goulston. "Ask yourself if there's anything to learn from
the remark," he says, "and then put it behind you."
Imagining yourself as someone strong and gutsy not only
helps you appear unflappable, it also changes how you feel,
though you probably should save your Madonna impression for
parties. "If you act confident, people will respond to you as
a confident person," says Dr. Heim. "Which in turn helps you
feel the power they assume you have."If you sound confident,
no one will doubt that you are. TOP
A recent University of Chicago study showed that we turn to
others not so much for guidance but for "rationale
construction," or confirmation of our own way of seeing
things. Researchers had people struggling with difficult
decisions - quitting a job, making a risky investment - talk
out their dilemmas to a panel of three people. When the panel
agreed with the strugglers course of action, their confidence
level soared by at least five times. Amazingly, even when the
listeners disagreed with the decision, their confidence level
stayed the same or increased slightly.
Women and men who exercise regularly - three or four times
a week for 30 minutes - are likely to be more confident than
their less-fit counterparts. True, they look better in Lycra.
But the body- image boost goes beyond that, says Lewis G.
Maharam, M.D., a sports medicine specialist in New York. "If
you feel good about yourself and your appearance, studies show
that you're more likely to wear brighter colors, stand up
tall, be more talkative and energetic," all hallmarks of
confidence. TOP
Scientists speculate that chemical changes that take place
in the brain during aerobic workouts may also boost
confidence: Endorphins, for instance, work on the pleasure
centers of the brain and help you feel more optimistic.
Neurotrophins, released with an increased hear rate, have been
shown to make you more alert and focused. At the very least,
exercise combats stress and anxiety, which gives you a head
start for a confident behavior.
Not everyone is comfortable taking risks. "But believing
that failure isn't the worst thing in the world" can give you
the confidence to not always ply it safe, says Dr. Goulston.
To begin building confidence, says Dr. Goulston, find
something you know you do skillfully - a hobby or other
outside activity - and do it more. "The fact is, many people
have trouble allowing themselves to feel successful," he
explains. And so if you know you're a talented cook, a strong
tennis player, or sympathetic listener, "by tapping into that
confidence, you feed your general well-being."
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