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How to Get Your Heart Back into Your Work |
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Dear Dr. Mark,
I’m having trouble concentrating, creating and even coping
with anxiety since September 11. I usually work better under
the stress of deadlines and budgets, but this is entirely
different. I can’t seem to turn a corner on it and get back
to normal. If I wait as long as it takes to eliminate the
threat of terrorism, I’ll be broke and broken. What can I
do?
FROZEN IN HOLLYWOOD
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Has the number
of terrorist warnings, suicide bombers and other threats got
you scattered? |
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Dear FROZEN:
If a picture is worth a thousand words, how many words will it
take to calm us in the aftermath of September 11? The answer
isn’t a number, and the words themselves may matter less than
who says them.
When our minds are overtaken by terrifying visions — real or
theoretical — there are only three things we want to hear. They
are the same three that any five-year-old having nightmares
wants to hear: 1) It’s completely safe now; 2) It’ll never
happen again; and/or 3) It never happened in the first place
(“Thank God, it was just a bad dream”). Since no one is able to
say those things to us, what options do we have to help us
through this frightening time? How can imaginative, empathetic
people, usually sensitive by definition, get back on their
creative bicycles after a psyche-shattering crash?
Some things I’ve discovered in psychotherapy with individuals,
couples and families for twenty-five years may provide the key.
I’ve noticed that when people vividly and in great detail
describe an event from their past that saddened them, they begin
to reexperience the feelings (frequently with tears) that they
had when it originally happened. Alternatively, if they relate
an experience that was joyous and uplifting, they often start to
feel buoyed even before they finish recounting all the details.
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This demonstrates that when people are very distressed, what I
tell them is much less important than what I help them tell me.
It’s even more helpful if what they share is infused with their
thoughts, feelings and actions. When they feel that I have
completely absorbed those three aspects of their words, they
immediately feel less alone and begin to calm down. More
importantly, they move from can’t-do to can-do, from stuck to
unstuck.
So let’s talk about …
• Overcoming agitation:
turning restless and distracted into patient
and persevering
Remember something that you never thought you would get through
but did, by hanging in there. Example: the death of a loved one,
an illness or a significant career reversal.
• Becoming unstuck: turning
can’t-do into can-do
Recall something you thought was impossible but managed to do
anyway. Example: against odds, you developed a new
career-related skill, landed a job or developed an ability to
communicate with someone you couldn’t reach before.
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• Stop being a victim:
turning deprived into grateful
Think about someone you’re grateful to — who they were, what
they did and what it meant to you. It’s impossible to feel
grateful and deprived at the same moment. Remembering a person
who was there for you or focusing on what you have instead of
what you don’t will lift you out of feeling like a victim.
• Breaking isolation:
self-absorbed becomes caring for others
Remember when a child, spouse, parent, friend or colleague
accomplished or overcame something that made you so proud you
wanted to help them accomplish more. When you’re in your own
head, you’re in enemy territory. And the more self-absorbed you
feel, the less you care about the world and the less worthwhile
you feel.
• Ending procrastination:
now, not tomorrow
Talk about something you waited too long to do, and wished you
had done earlier. Hindsight is 20/20, and few things motivate
you to take action more than lying facedown in the negative
consequence of something you could have prevented if only you
hadn’t procrastinated.
Now continue the process by having similar conversations with
people who may also be stuck in some way because of fear or
anxiety. Not only can it help you both get back on your creative
bikes — it could help you stay balanced on the way to your
goals.
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